Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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This is a bit of a follow up to something I wrote a couple of weeks ago.
But to recap, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, and he asked if I still wanted to be friends, and I (foolishly) agreed. Well since then, we've texted constantly everyday (and we both initiate texts, not just me), he calls me on the phone, invites me to spend time with his family, have spent every weekend together since the break up, and yes slept together a couple of times.
Last night, for some reason, the topic of us being friends came up (via text), and at first I jokingly asked "aww, I'm not your friend?" His response was "I dunno." When I asked again more seriously, he just didn't respond.
Now over the years, I have had a FWB type of relationship with exes, but everybody knew what the terms were, and there certainly was not constant communication, dinners with family, boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. So this one confuses me. I can understand a guy wanting to continue a sexual relationship, but I don't understand keeping this type of "pretend boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, unless the two people are actually friends and like spending time together.
So I don't understand where he is coming from. To me, in this case, a guy would fall into two categories, and it would be 1) an honest guy, 2) dishonest guy.
So the honest guy would just be up front about what he wants. The whole "While were are not together anymore, I still think you are cute, and think it would be fun to get together once in a while".
The dishonest guy would straight out lie and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get what he wants (sex and/or companionship). He would be like "of course we're friends."
So where does this guy fall? Is he just too cowardly to tell the truth?
But to recap, my ex broke up with me about a month ago, and he asked if I still wanted to be friends, and I (foolishly) agreed. Well since then, we've texted constantly everyday (and we both initiate texts, not just me), he calls me on the phone, invites me to spend time with his family, have spent every weekend together since the break up, and yes slept together a couple of times.
Last night, for some reason, the topic of us being friends came up (via text), and at first I jokingly asked "aww, I'm not your friend?" His response was "I dunno." When I asked again more seriously, he just didn't respond.
Now over the years, I have had a FWB type of relationship with exes, but everybody knew what the terms were, and there certainly was not constant communication, dinners with family, boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. So this one confuses me. I can understand a guy wanting to continue a sexual relationship, but I don't understand keeping this type of "pretend boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, unless the two people are actually friends and like spending time together.
So I don't understand where he is coming from. To me, in this case, a guy would fall into two categories, and it would be 1) an honest guy, 2) dishonest guy.
So the honest guy would just be up front about what he wants. The whole "While were are not together anymore, I still think you are cute, and think it would be fun to get together once in a while".
The dishonest guy would straight out lie and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get what he wants (sex and/or companionship). He would be like "of course we're friends."
So where does this guy fall? Is he just too cowardly to tell the truth?
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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He's being awfully polite about it, so when the calls stop coming because he's found "the one", he doesn't have to feel guilty.
It sounds like you're looking for a different answer that unfortunately we can't give you.
You're allowing him to use you and you're playing this game with him.
You're going to get hurt.
Which sometimes we have to go through to finally learn what we do and don't want in our lives.
That he is unsure what he wants, but does have strong feelings towards you and can't let you go, (See movie with Justin Timberlake in it).
Or he is using you and the silence came because he doesn't want to lose the fun relationship you have but he wants to stick to the "rules" when they apply.
To me, when someone has gone silent on me when I ask a serious question, the experience has been mixed. Either they weren't sure of the answer, or they knew the answer but didn't want to hurt me, or lose me "yet". The latter was the case most of the time. I was around at the right time for the right reasons, but not for the long term plan.
I know he has a tendency to not answer "hard questions" (I practically had to beat the truth out of him when he broke up with me...he couldn't just come out and say "I don't think we should be together anymore"...he really couldn't say the words). But hopefully he'll be able to tell the truth.
If it was me, I would want to know, but I have learned there is always a "right time" to ask or say something. Just blurting out things never seemed to work out for the best.
So, I would table that for a later date, when you the opportunity seems there to ask in a not so confronting way. Cus given his actions of the past, he may just go radio silent making you feel worse, having you create stories as to what is really going on, and so on.
I would go with what is right now as that has seemed to work and be Ok for you. Why muck in the mudd right now when you most likely know what the outcome would be?
His actions suggest that we're friends (inviting me to spend time with family, confronting a guy I told him was flirting inappropriately with me), but why can't he just say we're friends?
I think he would just be felt like I am trapping him in a corner if I ask him something like that point blank.
I know he's been really depressed this week, too.
Ugh now I don't know what to do.
I have never dealt with such a confusing person before.
This guy doesn't want an exclusive relationship that procludes him from dating someone else should the opportunity arise.
In the meantime, he doesn't have to be alone. You're very willing to be there to answer his texts and sleep with him.
So he was relaxing in his room, and he told me he was bored (all week he has been doing a lot of projects to keep busy...building things, maintenance on his car, fixing his sister's car, etc). I asked if there was nothing on Netflix, and he said not really. So I jokingly suggested the show "Friends" (because I like watching that show on Netflix over and over again).
He responded "I don't have any." So that's when I asked "Aww, I'm not your friend?", and he said "I dunno." And then he followed up with I wish you were here.
I told him I couldn't come, and he said "oh well."
When I asked him more seriously "You don't know if I am your friend?" that's when he didn't reply. If all a guy wants is a "fill-in person", then why just not lie and say "yes, we're friends."
He's the one who asked to stay friends in the first place. And when I said I was going to get my tires changed at the garage, he got offended that I didn't ask him to do it for me and said "no we're still friends, I can do that."
I wish my brain (or rather heart) wasn't going in circles.
Its called denial.
He's using you. You don't want to hear it. He's playing with your emotions and the only way to end the cycle is for you to end it.
Then listen to Janis Joplin's " Move Over" as loud as you can stand it.
From this snippet, it sounds like he has no friends outside of you and that is what has him down. His "I dunno" comment was not even something you should analyze as he is feeding his own pity party right now it sounds like.
he may not have responded because he fell asleep from boredom or maybe someone else engaged him in a conversation on his dating profile / website.
Regardless, the comment really had nothing to do with you. its all about him and how he is feeling lonely and needing to fill some space.
Its sad, he wants to go back to work instead of maybe taking off for some land far far away, (or maybe a few miles), to enjoy his time off work with someone (LIKE YOU). instead he would rather wallow.
He needs something outside of you. So I don't think you can fill anything for him but a moment.
Sorry.