Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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kdMac 05/03/2009

So you finally get to the point where you can see that your stbx is not a good fit for you- they are either too broken/dysfunctional, you have grown too far apart, or you realize that he/she is just not that into you anymore (maybe they have a new parter)... whatever the combination of reasons are you have finally accepted that the relationship is really over- forever- and you may in fact even realize had you met your stbx today, you probably wouldn't be that attracted to them, if at all.

I have gotten to this point. I don't miss him on a day to day basis- I am starting to see a future without him in it.

So, why the hell does this split still bother me? Why do I continue to have a pit in my stomach when I think about not being married anymore (my divorce will likely be finalized this month- we have been separated for two months)? Why do I feel sick knowing he has moved on more easily than I have (actually when I learned recently that he is a narcissist, he probably never had any real feelings for me anyway- so moving on for him has been quite simple)? Is this just part of the process? I certainly don't want him back- so why am I not moving forward??? I feel like I am in a holding pattern of grief!!! This makes me feel so sad and alone... I really hate this....

deleted_user 05/03/2009

I know for me, once I started to truly understand that what was making me hurt was 'the thinking about what I wanted' not what I really had.

I would cry about not having someone to grow old with... all in love... when in reality, when I looked back on my marriage, one wouldn't have seen that in the cards anyway...

Hugs kd

kdMac 05/03/2009

That's exactly right Sweet- I am truly mourning the loss of my "dream"- and I know with complete certainty that my future with my stbx would not have been joyful or even close to my "dream". I think part of the problem is that I have been with him for 18 years- he is my only reference point (I barely remember life before him, I was so young)- I just want to speed the grief process up.... it's killing me!

Thanks Sweet- hugs to you, too!

deleted_user 05/03/2009

You feel cheated, you had such high expectations when you got married that when this happened, you feel like you have been cheated out of the happiness that you two promised each other...

It took allot of therapy for me to see this! I hated my ex, by the time that I filed for divorce... but for some reason it still hurt.. I was relieved to be away from him and at the same time, I had that pit that you are describing!

deleted_user 05/03/2009

I still have horrible moments. I have learned that they happen less often as time goes on, a regression here and there, but for the most part, it is the progress I make in my life that directly impacts the moments of grieving. I can be quick to wallow i it. That's not good. We have to get up.

lycesq 05/03/2009

I agree with Giddy and Sweet - I think the broken dreams are hard, the fear of the unknown is equally tough (you said you were so young when you hooked up) - it all falls together.

Counseling does help - I left a marriage of over thirty years and started therapy. She helped me so much.

Lynne

Roadrunner99 05/03/2009

I feel the same way in that the relationship was not going to work.

I am divorced but I am grieving something as well.

My take is that there is a long list of losses that come with divorce. It is so much bigger than just the couple and the day-to-day stuff that was not working.

When I first looked at divorce I only saw that pain the was causing me to accept it. What I did not see, because of that pain, was all the additional losses and subsequent pain that came with divorce, the collateral damage. I believe you have moved on to morning the bigger picture of the long list of other losses.

I am told it helps to list them. Say them and grieve them and get over them. I am still working on that.

deleted_user 05/03/2009

wow...I'm noticing when I finally get around to respond on here - everyone else has already said such great things!!! I think it also speaks volumes about your morals and your integrity....when you said forever, you meant it....now that you are able to see things for what they really were/are its difficult to take that step and seperate yourself from what you thought your world was going to look like....(well, that sounded better in my head - hope it makes sense)

deleted_user 05/03/2009

I agree with everyone else. You mourn the loss of your dreams and the life you thought you had. The pain is proof that you are able to love, that you are a giving person, that you are alive. It is also proof that you are capable of giving, and that when you feel good enough, you will be ready to give all that loving to someone else, who deserves it.
It's a matter of time, and choice, I think. One day, you will decide you are ready to move on, and you will stop looking back.

deleted_user 05/03/2009

2 months is nothin in the scheme of things..even those that left rather than being left - still deal with so much..it just takes a long long time.

even when you know its right you are moving forward..its still alot to deal with

totallychaotic247 05/03/2009

I think getting stuck is normal. I felt stuck for awhile after. I took my vows to mean that I would be with this man the rest of my life. I didn't have a chance to mourn the demise of my marraige bc at the time I had a newborn. I refocused my energies into being the best Mommy I can be bc my kids deserve a happy Mom! Find somehting to refocus you and get out all the negativity ((((((hugs))))))

kdMac 05/03/2009

Thank you all for sharing your experience and wisdom with me. My gut was telling me that this was just part of the process- but I think I am fighting it a little because I am so sick of feeling sad. The lonliness is pretty new- but I do hope that someday- when I am no longer sad and lonely- I will get another chance at love. I think having a special other in this world is so comforting. I am so happy for those of you who have found a new love- maybe there is hope for me, too- I guess we'll see! Thanks everyone! K

deleted_user 05/03/2009

I know exactly what you mean about the "holding pattern of grief." I can't seem to get out of it, myself. I see him for the jerk that he is now, and I know I don't want him back because I would NEVER be able to trust him again. But, like you, I started dating my stbx while I was very young -- so I didn't even really have my own identity yet. It's not like I can say, hmm, how was I before we met? Well, I was a teenager! So I think for those of us that have been with someone since we were so young, one of the most frightening things is DISCOVERING rather than REDISCOVERING ourselves. It's a very scary thing.

And this is all still very fresh. We can't just click our heels and be past the pain and sadness. Only time can heal. It may seem like he's moved on, but like my stbx, if he doesn't deal with his issues now, they'll come biting him in the a** later in life.

hugs to you.

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