All my best with the counseling. Keep your mind open

Here's a snappy intro post: I just joined this group after looking online for an online support group and reading enfieldguy's post because that is my situation too. It's been a very bad two weeks after coming to the realization that my marriage, at least any kind of sexual/personal intimacy is over and I don't think my husband wants it back. He's got a text friend too, and will not end it with her. He flat out told me no. 25 years of marriage and I am hollowed out. I started counseling for myself today and it was a really good session. I've also been hanging out at 7 cups of tea online for counseling, and generally, spiraling down, but am battling back. Self care is hard right now, but we have to focus on that. Something small that makes you feel good about yourself. A dear friend told me in a message to remember I am worthy of love. I am trying to hold on to that. I hope we all can. Thanks!

I feel like I am in a similar situation. "Borderline of Divorce status" My husband is so self centered anymore, the kids and I are not a priority for his time. The only attention he pays is trying to get some, I don't want sex with a lack of a real relationship. He tries to negotiate for sex, I try not to but do sometimes to just get things done that I have been waiting on. Honestly I believe he has a problem being Husband-Father-Homeowner all at the same time, so he focuses on himself and what he wants, not what is best for the rest of us. I also feel like he knows I have an anxiety and antagonizes it on purpose. I kept saying we need to start over and rebuild the relationship, but he thinks spend 1 hour alone together and he deserves sex.

I'm sorry to read your story. I wouldn't count on counselling helping in the way you think it will. If she is on the prowl, which it sounds very much like she is, I doubt she's going to open up about it at counselling and admit to it. Couples counselling is only effective once both parties have had substantial individual counselling for a period long enough to get comfortable with your feelings to be able to then open up about them to your spouse. So, I would keep your expectations to a minimum.

The condition that you describe having, I must say, does not sound attractive. When we are in relationships for a long period of time, we get comfortable and let things slide, and forget that our partners/spouse still want to be turned on by us. The things that turned them on when we met, are the things they still look for.

My best recommendation to you would be to find a good therapist for yourself, and deal with your issues, because by the sound of it, it's only going to get worse if you don't get help to understand what is going on.

As for her, it sounds like there's something that's missing in her life, and she is going out with friends as a way of filling that void. It's a precarious position to place herself in when one combines alcohol with good times and old flames. She is probably feeling somewhat guilty over it, but perhaps not enough because she doesn't feel like she can get what she needs from you at the moment, and she's in it for herself right now.

It is never okay to act out the way you did towards her, and it doesn't do anything except for make you look bad, not to mention feel bad for doing it. If you feel like you lose control, it's time to seek help so that you can understand the nuances behind it, because it's not as simple as one may think. When a spouse shows anger and acts it out, it's a huge turn-off, and it affects your sex life, and diminishes respect. If you want to get something out of your counselling session with her, make it about you, not her, and ask her what it is that you may be doing that is causing her to want to party with her friends, instead of being with you.

Wishing you well.

Lenoire -- every post I've ever read from you has been pretty judgemental and very unsupportive. Not sure if you know that so if you don't someone has said it. I am aware of my problems and welcome support and constructive advice. You instead come into every thread with a hammer and hit people over the head with it. My assumption is that you're either single or been divorced many times as I can't imagine you being very kind in real life either.