Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife of 12 years sprung a divorce on me last night. We've been having problems for years, tried counseling but it didn't really go far. She says that we're just not compatible, and that she's allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to be with someone that could love her the way she needs to be loved. I'm totally flabbergasted. And so angry that she's been struggling with this decision for months and hasn't let on at all. I know that sounds like I'm oblivious, but she's a recovering abuse victim and is a triple gold medal winner in hiding her emotions, which I believe is one of our issues. I feel like there's been an emotional barrier between us for years. We don't fight, we don't argue, any serious discussion ends with both of us shutting down.
I thought we've been doing pretty well in the past few months; better than in a long time anyway. I got her to agree to wait one more week for us to talk about this together, and she said she'd be open to that conversation.
I know she's tired of us continually trying, and failing, but I want to work this out, and I know we can. She's stubborn, and I know she's already made up her mind. How should I go about talking to her? What should I say?
Ugh I feel so crushed and helpless
I thought we've been doing pretty well in the past few months; better than in a long time anyway. I got her to agree to wait one more week for us to talk about this together, and she said she'd be open to that conversation.
I know she's tired of us continually trying, and failing, but I want to work this out, and I know we can. She's stubborn, and I know she's already made up her mind. How should I go about talking to her? What should I say?
Ugh I feel so crushed and helpless
Lynne
Lynne
Keep trying....IMHO its worth it.
I am hoping that she will try counseling once again, but if she has thought about this for a long time, she may have already moved on. If she is not willing to go, you go, because it will help you deal with all the changes that are going to come your way, and will also help you to understand what went wrong. In knowing that, it gives us a better chance with any future relationships.
This time is so hard but we understand what you are going through. Stay with us here and lean on us during this awful time. We put together a manual for newcomers, and I hope that you find something that will bring some peace and comfort for you.
Big healing hugs, Kimmee
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual
I confess to a certain amount of hard-earned cynicism anytime I hear a spouse say to another spouse they are not "compatible" anymore. Is she seeing someone else? Do you suspect that she is?
I believe her when she says there's no one else, but she has a friend that she talks to more than me. I know she's more emotionally intimate with him than she is with me, and to me that's worse than physical cheating. I've taken responsibility for my part in our lack of communication, but I don't think she has. I travel extensively for work, and that certainly hasn't helped, but if anything that's a reason, not an excuse.
She has made up her mind and now all I can do is try to move on. The f-ed up part to me is that she still wants to be friends, and she says she still loves me. I know I'm hurt and angry, but isn't that rediculous? If I'm such a horrible person that's hurt her so much, and she's this unhappy, why would she still want to be friends? I have no problem being civil with all the details and crap, but I don't really feel like being friends anymore with the person who, I believe very wrongly, is doing this to us.