Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Im so confused, lost, and don't know what to do

KCxo
KCxo

My relationship has ended, again.  This is not a new thing for us; it’s happened a number of times.  Its not always been him, its been the both of us for various reasons, and one of us has always come back and asked for another chance to try again, make it work, and I believe that is because there is love there, the relationship is just been hard work and bumpy for some time.


 


This time it was him.  And I’m really struggling with what to do.  I have my ups and downs as you can imagine, good and bad days.  I tend to try and not think, try and distract myself so I don’t feel and pretend its all ok.  But today is particularly hard.  Hard because I need to decide what to do.


 


Do I try and get him back, ask for a second chance, try and get us back again, or do I just accept it is over, take the pain heartache and loss and try and move on. I don’t know if that is the right decision because I truly feel he is my one.  No it’s not been easy and smooth sailing but I don’t believe that means he isn’t my one.  I am worried if I don’t try and ask for a chance and I just let it fade away fade out and lose him from my life that I will realise later down the track that my feelings are still the same and still strong and I still love him dearly and by then it will be too late, he may have found someone else he may have moved on etc.  But I am also so scared to ask for that chance for fear of rejection, fear of what he might say, fear of what if its not the right decision.


 


I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal.  I don’t know how long it would or will take to get over and past these feelings.  I don’t know what the right thing to do is.


 


I’m driving myself crazy.  I need help. 

Jon
Jon
If you feel he truly is your one. You ought to stick it out with him and figure out a relationship even with the bumps. If you let him go you might let him go longer than you should and if you really love him you ought to show him that, and figure things out regardless of the issues you might face.

You seem like a really good person, if he really means so much to you, don't let him slip away.
Peace
Selene
Selene
I know exactly how you feel, you sound so much like me and from my point of view I hope that's normal! My only advice that I can offer and truly believe is the best thing is to not end it until you know you've given your relationship everything you've got. If you know you've done that and still feel this way, it's best to move on. You're not giving up, you are just giving your life a better chance at happiness and his.

You only have one life to live and you should make the best of it but don't live it with regrets. If you want to talk privately about some of the thsings I did that may help you, give me a shout..
Minidogs2
Minidogs2
Sounds like it could go either way. It definitely would help you to keep thinking about your choice and talking it through on this site and with a good therapist if you need to. I think it would help to be very specific in talking about what is working and not working in this relationship. Also very important to talk specifically about what is most important to you regardless of this relationship. Then that should help you decide about this relationship. It helps me to use my feelings as indicators that there is a problem that I need to address rather than blocking it out. It's a good time to vent the feeling and the thoughts to attached to it. hang in there until you are confident in making what decision works best for you.
KCxo
KCxo
Is a case of my head and my heart pulling me in two different directions. Its a case of me being so scared to make the decision either way. I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, and I don't know that a therapist will help either as they will only know my one sided feelings on this relationship not his side and point of view and that isn't a fair account of things.

I know I love him with all of my heart, I don't know that he does me. Im scared that if i ask him I will find out that he doesn't because he wont give us another try and that will break me to pieces and i don't know if i'm strong enough to know that.... so me not acting and letting him go is a way of protecting myself and making up stories in my own head to get through this.

Honestly this is driving me insane, i cant stop thinking about it and i don't have a decision one way or the other....

I just wish i knew what to do....
Selene
Selene
Lady, I hear ya. That decision is so hard and you will never forget the answer if you ask the question. I think the important thing is you are considering what to do and that you are trying your best to make a well-rounded decision. I truly have been where you are and believe you will figure it out and know what to do when the time is right. A strong sounding board is always good but as you've said will only provide advice based on your perspective of the situation.

One of the things I did towards the end of my marriage was to list out my wants and needs and determine what items I could compromise on. Then I told my husband I had a hard conversation I needed to have with him and I needed him to listen and participate. We went through my list and I kept an open mind to his responses and reflected on it for some time afterwards. Based on that conversation I was able to determine logically what the next steps in my life needed to be even though it broke my heart.

This may be something to consider doing if for nothing else but to have an understanding of where you both stand in your lives and learn where you want to be. If the path is the same, it may be worth fighting for. Good luck to you in trying to figure this out.

While I agree counseling may not be what you need right now, it is good to get impartial perspective or advice on what other facets to consider that maybe were missed since you only have your own thoughts to ponder. I am sorry for the pain you are going through and am here if needed.

You are strong and will get through this. It is tough but you will make it.
IamDonetoday
IamDonetoday
I know this is painful and hard to go thru. I've been there many times and often this is about fear of the unknown. It takes 2 people to make this work, and one person to end it. If you decide to pursue it, what will be different this time? How will you (and him) change things? Do you have a plan? I wonder if you can call him and ask if he'd be willing to see someone about a "relationship evaluation" (not counselling) but a place where you guys can go and talk about the good and not so good aspects of the relationship, whether it is feasible to work on the things that don't work, and if it isn't feasible for you guys to say goodbye this on a productive note. I don't think contacting him and trying to get back without some sort of change will work. I think this is a good place to start and might be more appealing to him than let's get back together. You'll have to make some calls to see what therapists are out there who will do an evaluation. But you do have to be prepared if the answer is no. I wish you strength and courage as you walk this road.
KCxo
KCxo
That is exactly what I'm suggesting or want to suggest. To get back to basics, to work from the ground up and mend us. Not to just straight back in a pretend the problems don't exist. I will see anyone, I am willing to do anything, at whatever time and cost it takes. With no expectations just hope and hard work. Because I do truly love and adore him.

But will he be willing...