Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Idealistic

seventhdoor_nmw
seventhdoor_nmw

I think I'm idealistic and naive but it genuinely hurts me to read some of the posts on here discussing the horrible things partners do to each other. I have to wonder - how is this real? How can people treat each other in these ways? Maybe I'm just so hurt from what I've been through in the last few months it retraumatizes me to read others' experiences? Especially from the point of view of the one leaving, cheating, or betraying.


I've never cheated on my husband in 24 years. Not physically, not emotionally. Maybe a little harmless flirting but no matter what needs I've had that weren't being met, I never allowed myself to get into a situation with another man that might lead to problems. He's never thought much of it and pursued online and in person stuff with at least 6 other women. And then when it comes to light he stays friends with them! He's so worried about what they'll think of him and if they'll think he's rejecting them and think badly of him. 


How immature is it that in my anger I WANT to go develop an emotional connection with someone - not necessarily sexual because I don't need that complication - just to feel the slightest bit better? I'm 39, not 15 and I have a hard time accepting these feelings. Is this something other people have dealt with too? 

mirandac
mirandac
You need to choose you and your own recovery
Journey And not worry about him. Once they are
checked Out and if they have addiction issues it
can get toxic.

I never cheated or betrayed him in my marriage i
Thought we were both mature adults. We Were
older when we got married and we both already
Did all the wild crazy stuff when younger.

The last 12 years of my marriage i did not know
This man. He was checked out and Unkind to me
and then came the flirting with women later on.

I say my blessings every day for my divorce even
though it Hurts Me still. God did for me what i could
not seem To do myself, HUGS
onlyamemory
onlyamemory
I don't think it's immature that you want to develop an emotional connection with someone. It's human nature to want to feel appreciated by someone.
vwidow
vwidow
7thdoor, All this is weird. Sounds like some serious things going on with yyour husband. I thought this was the codependency group, but reading about your husb's actions, he seems approval-seeking (a codep. behavior). Yet is he like that with you? Doesn't he care that YOU might reject him? Something doesn't add up here...Anyway, in dealing with an unfaithful leaning spouse, you have to do so at first transgression, but hopefully before. If you let the first offense slide, there will be more (it will get worse). How I would deal is immediately separate from him IN SOME WAY. He won't feel the value apparently of what he has until it's missing. Let me know how it goes. I lost my husb to death. I had an idea of what it would be like without him and I didn't want that. It was only an inkling of what I now have to suffer now that he's really gone.
SuZQ
SuZQ
I am so sorry that you have been through this and respect that you have remained faithful ! And, yes, I have had the same desire you are describing to have a retaliation affair. I wanted to feel "loved." I am very glad that I didn't.

My friends, family, and ultimately my faith kept me from "repaying" an evil with an evil. For which, I am so thankful! By fighting against that desire, I maintained my self-respect and more importantly, the respect and love of my children, family, and friends. Do you have a support group that will help you "fight", give you a safe place to talk out your issues, and give you wise advice? Or a counselor? They can make the difference between making good and bad choices when we are feeling so low and unloved. Leslie Vernick's book "How to Act Right When a Spouse Acts Wrong" and other books give very wise, practical advice. You might want to check these out. Hope this helps and please stay strong. You can do it!