Up front, ideal relationships fail to have arguments in them, less than ideal relationships do. It is said that all couples fight, that is a lie, I have been involved in five relationships and, in four of them there were never fights, I hate fighting, I walk on the sniff of one.

Without intimacy in your marriage for two years it is effectively over (your husband has given you grounds for divorce), making it final will make no difference to it. There is no such thing as dry spells, he is attempting to con you to suit his selfish need/s, with that need/s being relative to laziness, he can't be bothered making it work.

Your son will survive a marriage breakup, most children do, and the older he is the better and, if your husband is a good father then nothing will change between him and your son.

In summing up, simply get out, call is bluff.

I went through something very similar. I left and my children survived as well as I. It is the hardest thing I've ever done but I made it. I am still having issues with my ex but I am happier than I have been in a long time. You can do this. Hugs

I waited for 8 years in a very similar situation, also hoping that my sons wouldn't notice. Guess what? They did notice, they just kept it to themselves. I have guilt for having done that, they didn't come to me or even rely on each other. They just saw a dysfunctional marriage, probably realized something was wrong, and lived with it. I'm hoping they don't repeat our failed patterns. I think if you know the marriage is over (after 3 years of unsuccessful therapy I think it is), there is no good to come out of pretending and continuing. No good for you, your son, or your husband for that matter.

The fact that your husband minimizes your problems shows that he can't deal with conflict, and this is a big deal. He has his inner demons that he has to deal with, before he can be in a healthy relationship. Every healthy human relationship has differences, arguments, disagreements, conflicts - and one party can't just "walk" or pretend there isn't an issue when something comes up, or just give in to the other side to avoid a discussion. The thing to do is face the issues head on. Identify them, figure out a solution. That's what 2 people are supposed to do. 1 person can't do it alone - that's what I finally figured out about my own marriage. I exhausted myself trying to fix my marriage when I was the only one admitting it was broken. You two being in therapy for 3 years makes me wonder, what does the counselor say? They can usually spot when one half of the couple is avoiding the realities.....

About the shame you feel, I did too in the beginning, until I realized that SO many people I worked with were divorced themselves. I had no idea. You're not alone in feeling you're a failure in not being able to keep your marriage healthy, but don't take all of that blame - he has a huge part in it. For me, my part was letting it continue and not ending it when it needed to end. Once I let that go, the shame vanished. Hang in there, I made it, so can you.

Thanks for reaching out and sharing.

Do people still have to get married. ?

Divorce is a major decision that will have effects on the entire family, especially your son. It's been seventeen years since my divorce and our kids are now adults and married and have children. They still face issues in their own relationships from their father and my divorce. However, dis-functional and unhealthy relationships in general regardless of staying in the marriage or divorcing, have an effect on all children. Divorce, from my own experience and hearing other's, is difficult and painful for everyone involved. Whatever you decide to do, know that healing is possible whether you stay in your marriage or divorce.

What I've learned is that you can't make your husband want to work on issues. From what you shared, it sounds like he has his own issues that need to be addressed before he can work on the marriage. Your husband has to be willing to take responsibility for his part of the issues in the marriage. A counselor should be able to identify this. On the other hand, from a spiritual perspective, only a higher power can work "in" your husband and "in" you to heal and reconcile a relationship. Do you have a faith or a belief system that you can turn to to help you through this very important decision? I relied on my faith in making the decision to divorce. It was a very difficult decision to make. But, I knew, after I got down on my hands and knees, what the Spirit was guiding me to do. I trusted God to guide me and take care of me...and He did.

Blessings to you and your husband and family. I will pray for you.

I think you can find happiness in your current marriage. I suggest reading stuff on forgiving yourself and others. This is in your control, your choice to work toward happiness.

I agree with a whole lot of things the others have already said. Just adding some stuff I know.

I do have a friend who's marriage has been sexless for over 20 years and they are still married. I guess it depends upon what you want to put up with.

Have you tried going to counseling for yourself? If not, I would do this first thing. Simply announce to him that you have gotten to the point to where you can no longer tolerate what is going on. Say you want to go to counseling and ask if he would consider. If he doesn't go, then you go yourself. You cannot change him, you can only change you. A good counselor will give you some homework to do and guide you through the process. I think even if you ended up divorcing, you will at least know you did all you could to save the marriage. (((hugs)))