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I told him I couldn't move with him....

lostinthecycle
lostinthecycle

So my husband and I have had a really toxic relationship for years. I'm in the process of preparing to leave him but I was trying to get my ducks in a row first.(kids, finances, etc) However today he come home telling me he had a job offer in our home town and the pay was good etc. I said that he should take the job cause the opportunity was good. Now we have discussed in great detail that I really do not want to move away from the city I'm in and don't want to move with him because our relationship is not strong among other things. He is absolutely miserable here and will never be happy no matter what which I know. So he told me that he was going to take the job and he understood if I didn't go with him. Perfect right? Think again. As soon as I said I couldn't move because I wouldn't be happy he decided that he was going to turn down the offer because he wasn't going to move without me. I told him that with how miserable he was and how miserable he makes me that I was not going to keep picking him with him living here. So that turned into a fight and then he went back to work. He wants to talk more about it after work but I don't know what to say. I can't move with him because I'll continue to be miserable. He can't stay here because he is miserable and the other city has better opportunities for him. I just don't know what to say or do. Anyone ever go through this?

serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
Would he not miss the kids?? Are they older? I know my ex would never leave because of kids even if he wanted to but maybe all situations arent same so I don't know. I do think it's great you know why you can't just up and move as that probably wouldn't be good move for you. In our case neither of us can move with court custody well if we did kids won't be going basically.
lostinthecycle
lostinthecycle
Im sure he would absolutely miss the kids. That being said, I left him for 2 months last year and he barely ever called them and any time he saw them was on my dime so i was driving 800km(500 miles) every time just to make sure he saw them. He never made an attempt to see them, he was more concerned about me and what I was or wasnt doing. My kids are 13, 10 and 7. My 13 year old wants it back to how it was when he was not living here. She told me that her and her siblings didnt fight as much, I was happy and more patient with them and she didn't have to listen to him yelling at her all the time. These are all very true things.
mlr0853
mlr0853
what would happen if hub took job, got his own place to live, kids spent weekends with him? That would give visiting, on His Dime, and you a break...single parenting, working full time with teen and under 10 I would think would be Very Hard and Exhausting...I was single parent to son, kept him ditched father when I learned I was pregnant...didn't need or want two babies...he has nothing to do with his son, who is now almost 21 and thinks he's an A hole...very sad...kids really pick up the negativity and often blame themselves...would offer only for you and hub to sit down an tell them together about separation, maybe some counseling if you are willing, and that They Are Not The Problem and They Didn't Cause Problems between you and hub. Best of luck!
lostinthecycle
lostinthecycle
He refuses to do that. He originally come home yesterday with his mind made up that he was taking the job whether I went or not. I did not even completely disagree to going originally, I just said that I could not go immediately. So basically my options are as follows: 1.)we stay where we are at and continue fighting every time something important needs to be discussed, he has made it clear he will never be happy here no matter what but I have built a good career for myself and the kids love it here. 2.)we move back to our hometown that we had to move from 2 and a half years ago because of a big mistake he made. He is happy for a short time until the novelty of the job wears off but I lose out on my career for a while unless I take a huge pay cut, I have to deal with my inlaws who openly dislike me and my kids have to leave their friends behind and none of them want to moce, we have asked them. And the fighting would continue. I plan on leaving him but was not quite prepared. Yesterday he gave me the opportunity to essentially end things which I was taking that option and then hw changed his mind. Ugh im so confused
mlr0853
mlr0853
Sounds like no matter what he says...you can't take it for Fact...emotions are high flying for both of you. Can you take some time at night to Focus On Facts...no emotions...Just Facts...the below link will give you something to chew on and write out for clarity and to help you make decisions about moving forward...Self-care for you, then kids are UpFront Priority...let him play his games...polite, respectful...walk away from arguments...hard yes, but creating some boundaries of verbal respect or No Communication...re: kids mental health....they sometimes blame themselves for parents...divorce...they are kids...you and hub are adults who have more control over your mouths/behaviors~~if you work...today, or first thing Monday, if you've joint accounts...close off your name, and have your check direct deposit into Your New Account, might piss him off, but this is a way you can control/plan your own finances....same with credit cards...get Your Name off and ask for card in Your Name Only...Can you make it on your own? http://www.moneycrashers.com/getting-divorce-process-finances/
mlr0853
mlr0853
Ps....HUGE...don't tell him you are doing Any of these things..These Moves Are To Protect You Financially!.not too sure about the legalities...but I think you'd be on safe grounds if you took half of Joint Account Money and put it into your new account~~if there is credit card debt, under your new card, sometimes you can get a ""0%" interest rate on a new card "transfer at 3-5% rate of amount" for any where from a year to 18months...transfer 1/2 debt, or just debt you think you are responsible for....No More Charges to joint cards will be your responsibility.
lostinthecycle
lostinthecycle
Thanks for your advice. Since last year our finances have been 100% in separate accounts and he has no access to mine. Because of all the debt I will have to claim bankruptcy but it will get me back on my feet. Up until april i was the only one working so i know i can do it on my own just needed a few things figured out. I dont think its emotions so much as manipulation, guilt trips and control issues etc on his part. He wont be happy until i do what he wants no matter what the cost is. I will look into the link you sent as well. :)
mlr0853
mlr0853
Not sure how your laws in state are, but new bankrupt 7/13 law states No More Dumping debt...you'll still have to pay back...
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/chapter-13-bankruptcy-plan-obligations-29601.html

You might be able to save yourself some money doing your own legwork...I did pro se ... no attorney, saved me thousands of dollars! I got sole legal custody of my son...court clerks can be very helpful.,.plus workbooks. Really glad to read for your sake You are responsible and on top of your game with work and finances!

nolo is a good legal website...good luck!
lostinthecycle
lostinthecycle
Im in canada so everything is different here :)
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