Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
After 10 years of maraige and 15 years together I want to leave my husband. For the bast 5 years or so he has been emotionally unavailable to me in a way that meets my needs. When I would talk to him about it or anything wrong in our marraige he would get mad at me and stay mad for long periods of time. I tried talking to him about it and telling him how important certain issues were to me but he dismissed them and/or got mad. In August of 2015 was the last straw. After trying to just make conversation with him about nothing earth shattering, he cut me off and told me that he wasn't going to discuss this trivial matter. I told him that I was just trying to talk to him. He told me that he won't talk about anything he is not interested in. I vowed on that day that I would not try to talk to him again about anything that matters to me. I reserve that activity for my friends. By December of 2015, I was having an affair with a man that I believe I was falling in love with for a while but was desperately trying to strengthen my connection with my husband. When my husband rejected me, this manwas my refuge. And has been ever since. But NOW, my husband suddenly pays attention to me and cares what I think. I wish he had put forth this effort before I fell in love with another man. I can promise you that if my husband had just tried to talk to me like a friend, I would not have fallen for another man. At one point my husband was my turest hero.But he got lazy in our relationship and forgot to love me. We have a 10 year old daughter and I have an 18 year old and 21 year old (college freshmand and college senior) that I worry about. But the truth of the matter is that I want out of my marraige. I am willing to go for a seperation but I want to be free to love and be loved by my lover with all my heart--as we do now. I have found my best friend, confidant, advisor and lover who has the patience of a saint all wrapped up into one and I want to be with him. But the impact ofmy daughter and sons is holding me back, The stress in my household is taking its toll. I have a type of eczema that breaks out on your hands and feet and mine are copletely messed up. It triggered by stress. My hair is falling out and I am so unhappy. I'm afraid to tell my children that I want out but I know in the end all they want for me is to be happy. But I still feel like I need to stay for them. I just don't think I can stay. And the guilt and stress is killing me. Any advice?
Children learn what they live, trust me. Children do better emotionally and thrive in two households where there is autonomy and a committed partnership to co-parent than they do in a household where both parents are tense and at odds with each other.
There is a board on DS, Cheaters Anonymous, where many of us that have cheated on our spouses use to vent, to discuss, to support and guide each other, maybe you should check it out....with that said, do not have the motivation to divorce your husband because of your affair partner. That is a completely separate relationship. You need to divorce because that is what you need to do for yourself, for your sanity, for your happiness. And when you feel all that, your children will also.
My husband also 'checked out on me' about 10 years ago now, very similar to your story, I actually asked him for a separation, he brushed me off...that spiraled to affairs, etc.....long stories......my A's had to be completely over and I needed to make an unbiased decision, WE had to make an unbiased decision (because actually he was very unhappy too) to work on our marriage and make it thrive or to end it. I believe our exact words to each other (where we agreed) was "I can't live the rest of my life like this" and that was our turning point and every day its a choice and its continually worked on.
That being said, you and the kids deserve to be with people who want to be with you. It's pretty soul crushing when your spouse tunes you out. That he's suddenly interested makes me think he knows about your affair. In your gut do you no longer trust him to be able to ever connect with you? If the answer is yes, then I would go ahead with the divorce, without further delay. Living in this limbo is torture, and you can see it in your physical issues. Just be prepared for a rocky road. I waited a whole year once I was certain I wanted to divorce before contacting a lawyer, and that was a totally wasted year. Good luck.