Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I can't believe I did this to myself again.
After my divorce in April 2014, my ex and I got back together in a way last year, then she dumped me again at Christmas. I was devastated as I had thought we were making great progress reconciling, and she had even moved stuff in to my apartment to stay overnight sometimes. Then - just like that it was done again. It almost hurt as much as her divorcing me.
You'd think I would have learned from it. I started slowly to pick myself back up. I was doing a little better each week. Then, I reached a point of being "okay." Then, she started walking with me again this spring, coming for dinner and so forth. On the 5th, she allowed me to be intimate with her again - the first time since September of last year. It was really nice and she even stayed and snuggled for a bit after. I was in heaven.
Then the next day...she disappeared. She was unavailable for our almost daily walks right up until yesterday, the 15th when she said she couldn't walk that night. I texted to her to ask if she had regrets, and if we were okay. She texted back no regrets and asked why I would ask her that. Then I asked her to just tell me the truth about whatever was going on,and why she was completely avoiding me. She told me she had been very busy, and that she was going on a date tonight (15th). I was floored and got whiplash from her being intimate and loving with me to her deciding, for the first time since the divorce, to start dating. This above all else made it real to me that we are done, and I'm heartbroken. I didn't sleep at all last night and I couldn't get out of bed until after noon today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
Why did I do this again? Why do I love her so much? I feel a lot like @ESL in his quest to keep his wife and family, in spite of all evidence that she is done. I set myself up. I was reeled back in and kicked hard. I'm so lost now, and of course my head is filled with projecting about her date, and my son meeting him, and on and on. Our routine walks, where we shared our day and she would give me advice about work, and hold my hand... No more. Her being here with my son for me to cook dinner and us to be a family again in a way... No more.
I still have tickets to two concerts that I was going to be taking her to. Do I still go with her? I'm hurting so much. I feel like I need some clear boundaries and as close to no-contact as I can get given our son. I've not set boundaries before. I just always craved her time and the crumbs of affection she would throw me. I can't take this.
Also, my step-daughter and her boyfriend are moving out of state for a job he just got. There is a going away party for them next week at the house and I had accepted the invitation. It is also my weekend with my son that weekend. Do I go to the party? Do I drop my son off instead so he can say goodbye to his sister? If I go, can I stay briefly enough to wish them well and then leave? Will I lose it and cry at the party if I go - seeing her? What to do?
Man did I set myself up for a hard fall - the hardest yet as it is clearly final now and I have no chance. I'm exhausted, drained and have physical pain in my chest that won't stop. My throat is all tight and hurts. I only cried briefly today - the tears won't even come now.
After my divorce in April 2014, my ex and I got back together in a way last year, then she dumped me again at Christmas. I was devastated as I had thought we were making great progress reconciling, and she had even moved stuff in to my apartment to stay overnight sometimes. Then - just like that it was done again. It almost hurt as much as her divorcing me.
You'd think I would have learned from it. I started slowly to pick myself back up. I was doing a little better each week. Then, I reached a point of being "okay." Then, she started walking with me again this spring, coming for dinner and so forth. On the 5th, she allowed me to be intimate with her again - the first time since September of last year. It was really nice and she even stayed and snuggled for a bit after. I was in heaven.
Then the next day...she disappeared. She was unavailable for our almost daily walks right up until yesterday, the 15th when she said she couldn't walk that night. I texted to her to ask if she had regrets, and if we were okay. She texted back no regrets and asked why I would ask her that. Then I asked her to just tell me the truth about whatever was going on,and why she was completely avoiding me. She told me she had been very busy, and that she was going on a date tonight (15th). I was floored and got whiplash from her being intimate and loving with me to her deciding, for the first time since the divorce, to start dating. This above all else made it real to me that we are done, and I'm heartbroken. I didn't sleep at all last night and I couldn't get out of bed until after noon today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
Why did I do this again? Why do I love her so much? I feel a lot like @ESL in his quest to keep his wife and family, in spite of all evidence that she is done. I set myself up. I was reeled back in and kicked hard. I'm so lost now, and of course my head is filled with projecting about her date, and my son meeting him, and on and on. Our routine walks, where we shared our day and she would give me advice about work, and hold my hand... No more. Her being here with my son for me to cook dinner and us to be a family again in a way... No more.
I still have tickets to two concerts that I was going to be taking her to. Do I still go with her? I'm hurting so much. I feel like I need some clear boundaries and as close to no-contact as I can get given our son. I've not set boundaries before. I just always craved her time and the crumbs of affection she would throw me. I can't take this.
Also, my step-daughter and her boyfriend are moving out of state for a job he just got. There is a going away party for them next week at the house and I had accepted the invitation. It is also my weekend with my son that weekend. Do I go to the party? Do I drop my son off instead so he can say goodbye to his sister? If I go, can I stay briefly enough to wish them well and then leave? Will I lose it and cry at the party if I go - seeing her? What to do?
Man did I set myself up for a hard fall - the hardest yet as it is clearly final now and I have no chance. I'm exhausted, drained and have physical pain in my chest that won't stop. My throat is all tight and hurts. I only cried briefly today - the tears won't even come now.
Best of luck to you
She used you. She got to have the old friendship/companionship with you that she missed while having whatever else on the side. Brace yourself for this, but I doubt the 15th was her first date. There have likely been other dates. Perhaps while she was reconnecting with you she wasn't dating anyone, but it's entirely possible that she was. Very, very selfish of her.
Brace yourself for this, too. You should get tested for possible STDs. I will be getting tested soon due to my own cheating, trashy stbx.
The good news is that now you know for sure that it's over. No more false hopes. Do NOT let her get friendly with you again. It is really time to move on. Take her off that pedestal. The woman you love has changed - you love a fictional (or perhaps historical) projection of her. Not who she is today. You'll have to grieve the loss of the old her like all of us.
As far as the party, you don't have to decide right now. Take a few days and then do whatever will be the best thing for YOU. Maybe you and/or your son can say goodbye to your step-daughter at a separate time/place where your ex will not be present.
Be well. Find something to distract you, even if it's just movies/tv/music for a while. Go outside and walk around, even if you end up walking around in circles just staring blankly ahead.
I'm recovering little by little from the shock - again. I spent yesterday in VT with my mother and brother. They kept my mind off things a bit. I was able to sleep with some help from Lunesta, and I did okay in a very important meeting with senior executives this morning.
It may sound cliche, but thinking it through, I love her so much that I want her to be happy - even if that means with someone else. I don't know how her date went, and while part of me is screaming to know details, the rational part of me knows no good will come of it. Better not to know.
I've decided to take my son to the party, and stay for a short while to wish the kids well. I'll make my exit and ask my ex to text me when the party is over and I can pick my son back up. I also just realized Monday is Memorial Day and I don't know if she'll let me keep my son for the extra day. My visitation is Tuesday nights and every other weekend - unclear about extended weekends. Of course it sucks that while we were reconnecting, up until she made this decision, I got to see my son every weekend and many weeknights. Now - silence in my apartment.
I'm going through withdrawal again - missing the woman she was. Missing my son. Missing our walks and talks. I would love to walk with her tonight, as a friend, and get her insights on today's business meeting. She was always so helpful at reading hidden agendas and politics. I'm not very good at that. I'm not sure I can make the transition to "friend" that quickly though. I know moving to NC is likely the better choice.
The one thing I know for sure is that I cannot repeat this cycle again - ever.