Please read what you've just wrote. You're in a distructive relationship in my opinion. People change only change when they desire to not because you want them to. Best of luck with your decision.

I reply and want to say first that I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through, even w/o knowing all of the deatils, as I have recently become all too aware of what these kinds of situations entail in terms of emotional upheaval. That being said, I am one who finds it difficult to understand "loving" anyone who makes it "hard for you to live" and who is "ruining you financially" and who is on his "5th chance" but still goes out and blows money you don't have on coke. You say you know you should leave him -- love is supposed to be a good thing. I had trouble letting my ex go. I held on and begged for the first piece of time after he left me, but it had nothing to do with love, it was something entirely different, habit, routine, familiarity, something other than love. How could I "love" someone who had done so much to hurt me over so many years? So I know this is difficult for you, I simply remind you to take good care of you.

Wow ~ Ditto on my past life.

I had many of the same feelings you are going through. I married the guy. He was/is a drug addict but I was in love with him and it felt right.

Our money problems probably weren't as bad as yours seem to be, but I was the one that paid for everything because he rarely had a job or couldn't hold on to one for any length of time.

I can say, after 5 years of living like that (and 2 of those years he was clean), I started building resentments. Then I found out about the cheating. I knew he'd been lying to me about something but I never could get him to open up and be honest with me.

In Dec, we separated and I found out he had a g/f. He's still with her, kind of, sort of .... but now he's telling me he wants to start working on things with me again and wants to start dating.

So I'm kind of torn because I still love him, but I'm in a better place with it now. I'm starting to see him for who he is and I'm able to decide on my own if I want this man in my life. There are A LOT of things he needs to work on and I've been doing work on myself as well. The only way I was able to detach even a little and start seeing our relationship more objectively was because of the separation. I didn't want it. I fought it. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. But all in all, it's been a good thing. I've been able to see the areas where he hasn't changed and I can decide on my own if that's something i can live with or not.

I, too, wanted someone to love me. I was desperate for it. I still am at times but the desperation isn't as bad.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him because I know how much it hurts to think of that. But I will say, it sounds like you are in a codependent relationship, in a lot of denial, and wanting to believe he's going to be the man you hope him to be. Try to do some work on yourself, get stronger for yourself.

I'm here if you want to talk. Just msg me.

He has no reason to change as long as you accept him the way he is.

He has no reason to change as long as you accept him the way he is.

I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I hope that you find the support that you need here, and that you are able to find the strength to choose happiness and your own self-worth rather than a relationship that makes you feel this way. There are numerous red flags in this post. You are not responsible in ANY WAY for his self-destructive choices. Addicts will always blame others in their life for their own problems. I might suggest that you find a local Alanon group to help you sort out why you choose to stay in a relationship like this. And you might want to post this same thread to the 'Codepedency' group to get feedback from the many many who have been in your shoes. The financial havoc that he is creating in your life will only worsen if you marry him, and you will be liable for his debts etc. I truly hope and pray that your coming here is a step to building yourself up for a better life that you deserve.

blixxa, First of all I know your in pain and just wish he would "change" so you can get the love and support you need. I get that, been there.
BUT being one who has been there and has spent 2 decades suffering as a result of being married to Alcoholics/addicts and learning everything I could about this process and how to make better choices I feel confident in telling you that you can not change or control them. I have been in Al-anon for 20 years have spent years in Therapy, workshops, groups and reading books. I committed my life to growth and recovery.

So with that being said I'll say if you are not married to this guy RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!!

He is an addict! You didn't cause it you can't change it and you can't cure it. Your role in this is Codependency.
http://dailystrength.org/c/Codependency/support-group
http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/B000GG4ZL8/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202898851&sr=1-1
As Codependents we enable addicts. By waking him up and making sure he gets to work, paying the bills and cleaning up his messes you are allowing him to continue what he is doing. I know this is a painful thing to face but the truth is your getting in the way of his own natural consequences. It is not your responsibility to run his life and you cannot fix him. Only he can get in enough pain to want to fix himself. In order for that to happen he has to hit a bottom and as long as your "In the way" bailing him out that won't happen. You can't beg enough, convince enough, threaten enough etc... to get him on the path of recovery. We do not have that power and you are giving your power away trying. It is not about you! It is about him and his disease.

You are not going to get your needs met by this addict. You deserve to and can be with someone who is a "Grown Up" and not an addict and is capable of being a responsible functioning human being...

The only thing you need to say to this guy is "Get into treatment and get help or get out" Like I said his reality is not your responsibility, it is his and if you continue to make it yours he will take you down with him. He already is financially. Ask your self "Do I want to do this for the rest of my life?" because if you marry him you will and addiction is progressive it will only get worse. "Is this the daddy I want for my children?" Addicts make lousy dads!
My suggestion to you is to get into Therapy and start reading books and learning about this process and go to Al-anon or other 12 step meetings. There is a reason why you chose this situation and the sooner you figure it out the better. We tend to repeat patterns.
You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. It is not your responsibility to have his dinner on the table and pay his bills it is his.
There is a group here for family and friends of addicts you might check that out.

I also suggest you post this thread in the Codependency Group, you'll get great feedback there...

Oh and the2ofus you may want to check out that Codependency group to as well as this one.
http://dailystrength.org/groups/sexandloveaddictsanonymous
(I've been watching your story)

Tell him to show you how he is going to change and then take him back. If he really wants to change to save your relationship he will.

I pray there are no children involved. You need to feel better about yourself and decide you deserve better. I don't know why we love the peope we love and allow them to hurt us. You seem to be a very giving person, but there is a time to stop giving for yours and his sake. You have to leave. You are headed for a life of pain. Imagine if you stay and get pregnant. It will add to your anguish. This is not a way to build any stable future. You do not want to feel this way the rest of your life. He needs help. He needs to grow up. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet. He needs to change and you can't do that for him. What he needs to do, you can't do for him. He needs tough love.

I will pray for you that you will have the strength you need to get through this. Bless you!