Is it possible that you were choosing your husband based on what was expected of you instead of what YOU wanted ?
I m not excusing the cheating - I m sure you feel bad about it anyway, but I can sort of understand it.
You are a grown woman, you have to do what makes you happy.
Family will eventually forgive you, but in the end - you can’t force love, just because it makes sense.
I d say - move out on your own and live alone for a while. Figure out what makes YOU happy, not what your parents think should make you happy.
Because of this pressure, you hurt someone who probably doesn’t deserve it.
I wish you all the best and I hope you will be happy.

Thanks so much Aronia. I really appreciate your support more than I can convey in words.

I spoke to my mother again today and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

She said that going to be in stages and that her embarrassment hasn’t arrived yet. She’s sad for me because of people’s judgement and people will be saying behind my back. That my life is going to be very difficult now and that I have no idea. That she can’t control the car crash of my life or what people will think of me and their judgement of me for being with him. He’s also younger than me which is another negative.

What I’ve done is terrible but I feel that it would be less of an issue if I were a man.

Feeling worse that expected but my moms now been able to get things off of her chest.

I feel like I’m going to suffocate.

Well, mom is right that people will judge and talk behind your back. They do that whatever your color skin or social class. People love to gossip about divorces, nothing you can do about that. I was prepared for that to an extent, and grew a thicker skin. I hope your parents can come to terms with your choices, but if they don't, there's also nothing you can do or say about it. You need only to live your life on your own terms, as you're a grownup.

I'm wondering why so much guilt from you? If you and your husband haven't had sex for 3.5 years, are you accepting all of the blame for that too? It's all your fault? (I seriously doubt that!!) You seem more guilty for upsetting your parents, and less so for the breakup of your marriage. I think you need to focus more on you and the amicable split with your husband, and take a step back from family while they deal with these changes. Best of luck to you.

Jesus - what a way to help your child find the way!
Shame her even more.
Maybe I am too liberal or too hard on myself, but every mistake my daughter makes is a direct reflection on my parenting.
She is worried about her shame ? What about 30 years of your life spent trying to please them ?

Go to your husband and tell him you are sorry, sincerely and move out of this place and away from your parents.
You may not have the lifestyle you are used to, but it is time to figure out who YOU are. This is the time to do it.
I don’t know your family, but just from what you wrote it seems to me that they guilt-tripped you to death and this man you are sleeping with is the only person who let you be you. He is YOUR choice.
I don’t know if he is the right choice, but you finally did something that you wanted. There is more to do, more to discover.
I encourage you to do this and I think that once you figure out who you are, you would be a good partner for someone and you won’t cheat again.

Just like state and church, adult children's parents (should ) have no place in their bedrooms. I certainly would put the brakes on discussing it further with them. If they want to get into it, tell them that you are going to have to draw a boundary around discussing details of your marriage. How interested would you be on details of your parent's relationship. ew!

All the above comments are spot-on.

I hope you will stop labeling yourself a "shitty" person. A few sessions with a therapist might be helpful, to get some perspective on why you did what you did, and try to separate how you feel about the divorce, versus letting your parents down. Maybe you will learn something from this.

I agree it's time to stop talking to your mom about your private life. I hope you're not pregnant or anything.

I've read a lot of posts of cheaters unfortunately nur none that worrief more abput theif patents reaction than their partners. You say your already divorcing so yes I guess it's maybe better left unsaid to your partner but he might still find out.
I don't know ur parents at all. But parents are usually supportive of decisions of whatever their kids do. BUT they don't have to agree with certain behaviour. It's good they call you out on your cheating behaviour cause that's just not an ok thing to do. Beyond a lecture though I wouldn't be to worried about their reaction. It's your life your an adult. Wht would you share all those details anyway? Why dud they need to know that he was darker color poor neighborhood etc? Are you trying to shock them? If not I would just face ur dad short and sweet just tell him you cheated and that your divorcing. And that you feel guilty and that's it. There's no need to know who what when where or how for them. Also if u were cheating with this guy and you want to continue a relationship it doesn't look very hopefull for ur parents to accept him. So the less you tell the better. Good luck and just don't cheat again. Work on being a better person. It's extremely traumatic for the betrayed spouse. There's other ways to end a relationship with dignity.

no you are a real sweetheart

So, perhaps a bit of a different view on this.

Yes, you are right that it was a shitty thing to do to cheat on your husband. I’ve no idea how long the affair was going on for. But if the emotional affair started some time ago, that likely contributes to the growing distance between you and your husband - even if you didn’t mean it to.

So, yes. You have a lot of responsibility to bare here. And it will probably be very uncomfortable for you as people find out. You can either face it and learn from it or make excuses. Race/class etc... they may add to the shock. But the initial shock is that you were unfaithful. That is the thing people will have a hard things getting their head around.

Maybe it is easier on guys when they cheat. But I don’t think that is always the case. When my ex cheated on me (with a “poorer”, “low class” girl), his parents were mortified. They were humiliated that their son could have treated me that way. 10 years with your ex is a long time. Don’t know how close he was with your parents, but if they liked each other, they may feel even more pain that their daughter hurt someone they care about. This was my case. My ex has never rebuilt that relationship with his parents.

Here’s my advice if you truly want to rebuild your relationship with your parents. Don’t turn it around on them - blaming them for racist/classist views of your lover. Accept your responsibility for what you did. A bit of humility goes a long way. Own it, learn from it. And move on.

You did a shitty thing. That doesn’t make you a shitty person. The question for you now is how to move forward with Honour and integrity

Good luck!

people are what they do, do shitty things...

Never tell the truth to your husband unless he finds out. Keep this secret to yourself. Don't break his heart. And, be prepared for the worst. Man of his background won't forgive you. Yes..in this case race and class matter.
Do you know why you have cheated? May be things were bad in your sexual department. If so, listen..that is serious. Relations can not survive without good sex.
One thing I do not understand, why your parents are so critical. What happened is happened, you cant changed it. You are broken already, you need a support and an advice.