Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I could write a novel about the history of my marriage the past 4 years but I'll spare you the details. The cliff notes version is that he cheated 4 years ago, I found out in March of 2012. We tried counseling and nothing helped me get over his affair. He couldn't handle my crying all the time so got an apartment in Nov.ember last year but didn't stay there full time until after my birthday in January. He said it was a trial separation but I know that was crap. He told me in June he was done with our marriage. I'll be 40 in January. We started dating in college right after I turned 20. This is the first Christmas I've been without him in 19 years and it's killing me.
I'm not over the affair. I'm not over being dumped. I miss the guy I married but he's gone. Some jerk took over his body. I just want the man I married back. I miss him so much.
Because I'm a mess I keep procrastinating so we're not divorced yet. I've put on 30 lbs because I'm depressed and eat my feelings. I've never been fat before and I feel horrible about myself. I don't want to date until I lose weight but I have no self control right now. I'm not myself anymore. I hate who I've become. I'm depressed and miserable. I'm on anxiety/depression meds but I'm still a disaster.
Today was horrible. My husband (or wasband as I call him) stopped by my new job which is just a few minutes from our house. He lives 45 minutes away now and our house (where I'm living) is on the way to his sister's house which is 6 hours away. He stopped to see our cats and pick up some gifts I bought for his niece and nephew. He said he tried to call but I was in a meeting so he stopped by to say merry Christmas since he couldn't reach me by phone. It was so devastating to me. I've tried not to see him because it just opens up my wounds and I have days like today where I cry non-stop. I saw him in the lobby and I just missed him so much and immediately got emotional. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and just go back in time when things were good. I want to erase the past 4.5 years. I cried the rest of the day.
I went Christmas shopping after work and didn't get home until 10 pm. I came home and found a package on the porch. It was a bottle of Abercrombie and Fitch 8 perfume - the only kind I like. I asked for some from my parents for Christmas but the box said it was from my wasband so I was confused. I texted him and learned he bought it for me. Now I'm a blubbering mess because it just brought back memories. He usually buys it for me every Christmas. It's easier to move on when he's a jerk. When he's sweet like this it makes me miss him. I can't stop crying now.
I just want to take a sleeping pill tonight and sleep through Christmas. It's been so hard for me this year. Shopping alone has so tough. Getting Christmas cards with photos of all my friends and their beautiful families.has been painful too. I feel like I have made the worst decisions throughout my life and now it's too late to fix my mistakes. I was scared to have kids and kept putting it off and then he cheated and now I'm almost 40 and so afraid I will never have a family of my own. It's so tough to see everyone posting pics of their kids' school programs or sledding excursions. I feel like I've screwed my life up so much and it's too late to get it back on track. I've tried so hard to dig out of this hole I'm in and I just can't. I want to! Counseling hasn't helped, medication hasn't helped...I'm just a hopeless mess.
I would never commit suicide but I genuinely wish I were dead so I didn't have to feel this pain anymore. I am so lonely and I hate myself so much I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. For over five years I've been suffering and I have tried everything to move on and I'm just stuck. I finally got a new job 2 months ago after working in a toxic environment for 3 years. That was the first thing I was able to do for myself to get unstuck but I don't know what more I can do to stop hurting so much.
I don't want to be one of those people who needs a man to be happy but I'm miserable on my own. I've done what the counselors and books say to do which is go out and not sit home alone. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I miss being hugged and kissed and intimate with someone.
I'm sorry this is long. I'm just having a really bad day. I know you're all suffering too and for that I'm sorry. I'll pray for peace and comfort for you this Christmas.
I'm not over the affair. I'm not over being dumped. I miss the guy I married but he's gone. Some jerk took over his body. I just want the man I married back. I miss him so much.
Because I'm a mess I keep procrastinating so we're not divorced yet. I've put on 30 lbs because I'm depressed and eat my feelings. I've never been fat before and I feel horrible about myself. I don't want to date until I lose weight but I have no self control right now. I'm not myself anymore. I hate who I've become. I'm depressed and miserable. I'm on anxiety/depression meds but I'm still a disaster.
Today was horrible. My husband (or wasband as I call him) stopped by my new job which is just a few minutes from our house. He lives 45 minutes away now and our house (where I'm living) is on the way to his sister's house which is 6 hours away. He stopped to see our cats and pick up some gifts I bought for his niece and nephew. He said he tried to call but I was in a meeting so he stopped by to say merry Christmas since he couldn't reach me by phone. It was so devastating to me. I've tried not to see him because it just opens up my wounds and I have days like today where I cry non-stop. I saw him in the lobby and I just missed him so much and immediately got emotional. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and just go back in time when things were good. I want to erase the past 4.5 years. I cried the rest of the day.
I went Christmas shopping after work and didn't get home until 10 pm. I came home and found a package on the porch. It was a bottle of Abercrombie and Fitch 8 perfume - the only kind I like. I asked for some from my parents for Christmas but the box said it was from my wasband so I was confused. I texted him and learned he bought it for me. Now I'm a blubbering mess because it just brought back memories. He usually buys it for me every Christmas. It's easier to move on when he's a jerk. When he's sweet like this it makes me miss him. I can't stop crying now.
I just want to take a sleeping pill tonight and sleep through Christmas. It's been so hard for me this year. Shopping alone has so tough. Getting Christmas cards with photos of all my friends and their beautiful families.has been painful too. I feel like I have made the worst decisions throughout my life and now it's too late to fix my mistakes. I was scared to have kids and kept putting it off and then he cheated and now I'm almost 40 and so afraid I will never have a family of my own. It's so tough to see everyone posting pics of their kids' school programs or sledding excursions. I feel like I've screwed my life up so much and it's too late to get it back on track. I've tried so hard to dig out of this hole I'm in and I just can't. I want to! Counseling hasn't helped, medication hasn't helped...I'm just a hopeless mess.
I would never commit suicide but I genuinely wish I were dead so I didn't have to feel this pain anymore. I am so lonely and I hate myself so much I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. For over five years I've been suffering and I have tried everything to move on and I'm just stuck. I finally got a new job 2 months ago after working in a toxic environment for 3 years. That was the first thing I was able to do for myself to get unstuck but I don't know what more I can do to stop hurting so much.
I don't want to be one of those people who needs a man to be happy but I'm miserable on my own. I've done what the counselors and books say to do which is go out and not sit home alone. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I miss being hugged and kissed and intimate with someone.
I'm sorry this is long. I'm just having a really bad day. I know you're all suffering too and for that I'm sorry. I'll pray for peace and comfort for you this Christmas.
I wish I had something magical and soothing to say which would take away your regrets and more it more bearable. All I can do is send you all my good vibes. I'm sure you know in your head it isn't too late. 40 is not too late. But, I understand how painfully hard it must seem.
Congrats on your new job! That is amazing! And can be the start of so much more. You got this!
There are many others on DS who are/have gone through this exact same situation and have come out stronger on the other side. That is what I cling to - the thought that this despair will get better. This is a hard time of year for many people and we just need to get through it however we can.
I hope your new job will give you the opportunity to make new friends and develop some relationships that will help fill up your empty hours for now. Allow yourself time to heal - get therapy if you need to. And stick close to DS - there are tons of people on here who are willing to listen and give you advice if that's what you are looking for. It has helped me tremendously.
you should realize that your feelings of worthlessness are evoked by a liar
pop that lie balloon
give yourself that gift for Christmas
As for kids. Okay, the traditional family dream is probably gone.
That said, guessing about how your kids would have turned out is a guessing game. I know people who've gone through divorces, the ex turned the kids against them, and they haven't talked to their kids in 1-5-10-20 years. Sometimes looking at people who have it worse, who aren't sending out postcards of their painful life...helps. Alternately about 10% of couples try and are never able to have kids due to infertility.
About kids again: The dream of a "family" is not gone. It may have to change to adoption, being a big brother/sister, or being that fantastic aunt that gives fantastic presents, goes wonderful places and has great stories.
My ex's great-aunt was like that. She was as much a part of the family as anyone else. At the end, she got Alzheimer's and her brother cared for her. She died at 97 years old, and had a fantastic life filled with love.
Point is: parenting isn't always as much fun as it looks, and not being a parent isn't always lonely.
All of life is pretty much up to us.
As it's been 4-5 years that you've been going through this. I strongly recommend therapy. The first therapist didn't help...so find another. Some people need a soft shoulder to listen to them, some need a good sharp kick in the butt. I have no idea of what you need. But keep searching until you find it.
"I have held the hand of the devil....but I still haven't found...what I'm looking for." u2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_ISAntOom0
Pamper yourself by taking baths or lighting candles or listening to music that is healing.
Remember that you are exactly where you are supposed to be on your new path. In the beginning. It hurts in the beginning. With time and the healing activities you do, the sun will start peaking through the clouds.
Sending you a gentle hug.
As far as a family goes... I'm a soon to be divorced man with 2 sons and 2 stepsons that if I were to ever consider dating again (a long way off and maybe never) that a potential love interest would have to accept as family. Surely there are others like me. You can still have your family.
Praying for strength and peace for you.
Essentially, he has cheated on me........with the bottle. The bottle has now become his lover, his friend. It also doesn't help that our neighbors, also alcoholics, whisper in his ear. Without coming right out and saying it, he ultimately had to decide between me or the bottle and his friends. He chose the bottle and friends.
I cannot blame "them" (the friends) 100% for this. My leaving has actually been a very long time coming. I have been unhappy for a very long time. It sure doesn't help, though.
I know, in my head, that this too shall pass and as time goes on, it will get better. My heart, however, isn't quite cooperating with me right now. I'll get there and so will you. Chin up.
Sending hugs your way!!
I totally like your honest, direct & real answer. Sometimes the reality check is what we need, even though we don't want to hear it. Thanks again for your comment. So on the money. TCB