Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
3 days ago I broke up with my partner because he has been having an affair online. I first found out about this 3 mths ago, and he assured me it "just happened" and it didn't mean anything and assured me it was over. But (I don't know how stupid he thought I was) right after I confronted him about it he suddenly got secretive about all his devices--put a password on his phone (which he hadn't had before), changed the password to his email account, and his laptop, would suddenly close windows if I was near....it was clear he wasn't over this, but he kept insisting it WAS over and I couldn't prove otherwise. But I couldn't trust him, and we just kept fighting....
The other day I got the cell phone bill online. Normally, if the amount is what I expect I just pay it, but this time I actually looked at it. Calls, texts, pics and videos sent, all to the same out of state number--multiple times a day. I confronted him again and he couldn't deny it this time. I had made it clear when I first found out about this that I wasn't standing for it (this is not the first time he cheated) and it was over between us.
I did ask him some questions...mostly why...and he said he didn't know. He also said he never met this woman in person--she lives in another state. And I believe that--he doesn't have a car, was home every night, never was away for any length of time--this seems to be a completely phone/text/email affair. He said he loved me, and cared about me--he just couldn't explain
We had (at least I thought) a really happy relationship before this started. We had split up once before because I found he was fooling around with a woman when he was on a job overseas, and I cut him off cold then--blocked his calls/text/emails. But after 5 weeks he came crawling back, telling me that I was the woman he loved, and he was so sorry, and would make it up to me if I took him back. And for a year and a half we were living together and happy--I'm sure we both were! We did so much together, were loving and affectionate. I look back at pics from that time and we gave every appearance of being a happy couple--even my kids agreed. This was the happiest time of my life.
So I absolutely can't understand why he would throw that away for a woman he's never even met! He had a woman who adored him, we had a good life together, a great sex life (even in our 60s). I just can't understand why this cyber woman was more important to him than I was and worth losing me and everything we had over! The night before we broke up he put his arms around me in the middle of the night while I was asleep, kissed my shoulder and said "I love you". Does that sound like a man who wants to be out of a relationship?
Has anyone had this experience? I'm just a mess over this--I'd understand more if it was a real flesh and blood affair--I can't understand this at all.
Other times they just want another person to talk to and it gets blown out of proportion. Your situation reminds me of a guy I dated on and off for awhile. He was leading me on and sleeping with me, even asked me to move in with him, but he had all these other girlfriends that he only just talked to. He couldn't get it thru his head that what he was doing was wrong and made me insecure. He said he didn't have any gfs, that we were all just his friends who needed him. Pretty funny ideas there. I had an ex who was abusive too. He was a sociopath and had some sort of saviour complex. If any woman acted pathetic around him or was nice to him, he had an affair with her. I think he was partly a predator and partly liked to feel needed.
I have also been on the other end of the homewrecker thing. I once had an online guy friend who was married. We just played video games together. We met on one game and wanted to exchange contact info so we could play other games together since our schedules were similar and we liked each other. But there was nothing sexual, just friends. His wife ended up messaging me with threats one day. Apparently he had other feelings for me and had let something slip with her. I was totally ignorant of this and just thought we were online gamer buddies. But they ended up getting a divorce! I think that was an overreaction. Then again I know it hurts when you aren't the apple of your man's eye.
Sometimes I think people have these emotional cheating buddies because they try to be too perfect for their spouse. They want to look tough and always be there, but they break down sometimes and need someone outside their social circle to talk to for perspective. Kinda like how this site works. Only something gets out of hand. Some people lack self control. And some people just are warped and think that behavior is normal and they need an emotional spouse and a sexual spouse separately. It's weird I know, but it is him not you. I think you are very strong for cutting him loose. Obviously you can't trust him now and what's done is done. Best of luck.