Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I grew up being told to "cowgirl up" and due to my relationship with my parents I find it difficult to express my emotions now. My husband and I met when I was 18 and got married two years later, even though for months something wasn't right. Within two months after the wedding I was certain he was cheating. Based on that I retaliated and then confessed right away, felt sick and couldn't handle the guilt. We decided to work it out and after months of me having to catch him on dating sites and chatting with other women, he convinced me that I was crazy and that our relationship wouldn't work if I didn't trust him. So I stopped checking up on him for four years, until he started acting out of the norm again. He was not a social man and all of sudden he had "guy" trips where I could meet any of these friends and they didn't bring their wives so I snooped and found an emailed poem he sent to a coworker that honestly was very special and I wished it was for me. Once he came home and I confronted him he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be married, so I saved him the trouble of deciding and we separated. After a few months apart and him repeatedly telling me I wouldn't survive on my own (mind you I had no support system at the time), we tried working things out again. I found my voice at least a small piece of it and I required more of our relationship. Fast forward four more mediocre years mostly distant, no intimacy, put downs, and me having to be on anti depressants, I decided I'm almost 30 and I have only one life to live and I want it to be happy. I told him I was considering divorce (especially since he had started acting as he had in the past) and he said no. We had a conversation so I could see his willingness to save our marriage and to see if we still had the same goals in life, none of which added up. Then I asked him for a statement to what he would do to save our marriage and he said "I will try to spend more time with you if I don't have a shitty day". That didn't work for me so I told him it was over. He then had the gall to say that he had to decide if the feelings I was having are real because he is the only one who knows if my problems are real as if I make this shit up. When that didn't work he got desperate and made grand statements that after 10 years together I just didn't see happening. He always gets better for a couple months but can't keep it up. When that didn't work he tried manipulation again and said I couldn't leave him until I found a new home for our dog, and I couldn't leave him because I will never find someone better who would degrade themselves to be with me, etc. this all would have worked if I didn't have a support system now but thankfully I do. Now he is indifferent and we are moving the process of divorce, selling our house etc (I've already moved out because it was getting difficult to be in the same home). Where I find myself now is struggling. Most days I'm busy enough to handle it but there are days, once or twice a week where I can't. I'm scared I won't find someone who will love me, I'm scared I will fail, I'm sad because I loved (still care) him very much, I'm sad for the decade I spent with someone that allowed me to feel worthless, and I'm worried I'm going to be alone. My support system is good but they all have their own lives too and I don't like to burden people but when I get like this, where I can't get out of bed and I can't stop crying, did I make the right choice? At least my life was consistent before, now it's unstable and I don't know how to cope with my emotions. I want more out of my life but is that selfish? And am I worth it?
abuse forum Too. They are very helpful.
I hope you have some therapy to help you
transition. I am sorry for all your Pain and hurt.
HUGS
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
"WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE
Some of the hardest put-downs to deal with are the ones that seem to have aspects of truth to them. Maybe he’s snarling at you that you can’t handle money, and the truth is that your finances really are in a mess. Maybe he’s calling you fat, and in reality you have indeed put on some pounds. Maybe he’s saying that everyone thinks you’re a psycho, and the truth is that some important friends actually have turned against you.
Does this mean that he’s trying to help you to face some things that you need to face? Does this mean you are wrong to feel bad about the ways you are being verbally torn apart?
No.
The truth is that even when he seems to be right, he’s still wrong. And he's definitely not trying to help, though he may tell you he is. Here are reasons not to take his statements to heart:
1) Because he’s exaggerating your difficulties in order to hurt you, even if there are partial truths in his words.
2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault, and that it shows what a weak person you are underneath. And that’s completely false.
3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse.
4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.
A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you.
To put it concisely: It is impossible for a man to see a woman clearly while he is controlling her, abusing her, or cheating on her."