Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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wiggywango 10/24/2013

Hi all...need some advice...sorry a bit long winded,

I have been married almost 3 years. I realized pretty early on in the marriage that we had some problems. I felt invisible, couldn't communicate with him, didn't feel like he cared about my wants and needs no matter how much I tried to tell him. Everything was all about him all the time. He turned that around on me telling me I was an angry, miserable person to be around and that everyone he knew couldn't stand me. He never saw that I was angry and miserable because of the way he treated me. Eventually he became distant and said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I kept trying to get him to go to counselling because I wanted to try anything to save the marriage. He said he wasn't ready. About a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't press the counselling after that because he needed to focus on his health. I supported him through it, took 4 weeks off work in May to take care of him after his first surgery (during which time he became the man I married again, but then switched back once he felt stronger). After that our relationship went downhill from there. About a month ago he announced he didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy and realized because of the cancer life is too short and he just wanted to live for himself from now on. It was extremely painful, and still is, but I have accepted it, I understand what kind of man he is now and that this is for the best...I have found a place and am moving out Nov 1. My dilemma? His final surgery is scheduled for Nov 15. He will be in the hospital for about a week and there will be a recovery period at home. It is important for me to have no or limited contact with him so I can move on once I'm out of the house. He has friends and family who can support him during this time, but not the way I did the first time around. What is my obligation here, if any, given I am still technically his wife? He hasn't asked me for anything, but am I a heartless b*tch if I don't offer my help if he needs it or check up on him to make sure he is okay? I don't want to. Help?

charliegirl29 10/24/2013

Sounds like he's reacting to his diagnosis....he will start doing all the things that make him feel alive again.....realize you are gone and come crying to you. Just a prediction ......you are not obligated. He needs to know what he's losing and he can't do that with you in his life. Even if he doesn't recognize what he lost.....you will not have put any effort into something in vain.

deleted_user 10/24/2013

Wiggy and Soy, it's called codependency. I'm very codependent due to my upbringing (alcoholic, abusive father), and people that are raised that way try to fix what they couldn't in the childhoods with the adults in their lives, to the detriment of themselves. They habitually put others' needs and wants before their own, and don't seem to have an identity outside of their relationship. Does this sound like you? Caregivers are especially susceptible to being codependent (or maybe codies are attracted to those professions?) because the nature of their career requires them to care for others who can't care for themselves. However, codies fall into the trap of caring for others that can and should care for themselves. Maybe do some reading up on it to see if this fits. Try "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Interesting read.

Soydog 10/24/2013

Yep, we're codependent. Mine started while growing up in a household with a lazy, POS father who never worked a day in his life and a mother who did what she could to keep the marriage together. My mother made me her surrogate spouse. No sexual abuse, but I became responsible for her mental well being. Not a fun time growing up. I was a very nervous child.

Cheryl - I'm going to check out the book your recommended. Thanks so much.

Wiggy - You're not being selfish talking about yourself. In fact, our situations are so similar that it's helping to clear my mind.

Tell me, why do our partners seek out people like us? I'd like to know.

deleted_user 10/24/2013

Because they're narcissists. We feed off each other. Very dysfunctional.

wiggywango 10/24/2013

Thanks Cheryt - Now I don't have to explain it...yes, I know I am somewhat codependent, although we are all codependent in varying degrees. I would say I am moderately codependent as I did focus too much on his needs and sacrificed my own at times, but I was never prepared to live my life that way...hence why I was so miserable, which in turn made him miserable i.e. I never tried to please him all the time and I openly resented the fact that was taking me for granted, lol.

Soydog 10/24/2013

Wiggy - Me too. A lot of resentment.

Thanks for the insight.

wiggywango 10/24/2013

In my case my ex thought he found a strong, independent woman that he could lean on and rely on who would take care of him because that is what he didn't get in his a childhood (this is a mommy issue). But in reality he is very fearful of his neediness of me and women in general and actually hates it. When he realized he wasn't get all the love without having to give back, he started to resent this. This motivates him to attack me verbally in an attempt to beat me down so he doesn't feel so inadequate and to try and convince himself that he doesn't need me. Any feelings I have or any expression I make he takes as either an attack on him or my neediness or attempt to control him. In your case, I'm not sure. If your wife is a user she probably sought you out because she saw you were a softy and she knew she could take advantage of you. users seek out people they know they can manipulate and take advantage of.

deleted_user 10/24/2013

I would even add that a lot of people, I think, don't know they're users. They just want what they want and go about getting it any way they can. They don't see a problem with it, and if you do then it's you that has the problem, not them. That was my marriage. Why couldn't I be as into him as he was? :)

And not everyone is codependent. We all rely on each other for certain things, but being codependent is different from being dependent. Codependence is dysfunctional and results in one person being a taker and the other being resentful that they give too much. You can be dependent on others, like a child is dependent on its parents, but it's generally not a way of living.

Soydog 10/24/2013

I think you're right, Cheryt. I don't consider my wife a user. Like you said, she wants what she wants and I ended up being the vehicle to take her to that end. It IS my problem because I was always frightened to say "no" to her and became angry when she didn't solve her problem or need by herself.

wiggywango 10/25/2013

What do I do if he contacts me while he is in the hospital asking for my help? Stupid...I didn't really think of that until now.

deleted_user 10/25/2013

You don't answer the phone. Or if you do, you tell him no, he made his decision to go it alone, so go it alone. He only wants you around to take care of him. Is that what you want for your life? Ask yourself why do you still feel obligated to him when he feels no obligation to you?

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