Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi all...need some advice...sorry a bit long winded,
I have been married almost 3 years. I realized pretty early on in the marriage that we had some problems. I felt invisible, couldn't communicate with him, didn't feel like he cared about my wants and needs no matter how much I tried to tell him. Everything was all about him all the time. He turned that around on me telling me I was an angry, miserable person to be around and that everyone he knew couldn't stand me. He never saw that I was angry and miserable because of the way he treated me. Eventually he became distant and said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I kept trying to get him to go to counselling because I wanted to try anything to save the marriage. He said he wasn't ready. About a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't press the counselling after that because he needed to focus on his health. I supported him through it, took 4 weeks off work in May to take care of him after his first surgery (during which time he became the man I married again, but then switched back once he felt stronger). After that our relationship went downhill from there. About a month ago he announced he didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy and realized because of the cancer life is too short and he just wanted to live for himself from now on. It was extremely painful, and still is, but I have accepted it, I understand what kind of man he is now and that this is for the best...I have found a place and am moving out Nov 1. My dilemma? His final surgery is scheduled for Nov 15. He will be in the hospital for about a week and there will be a recovery period at home. It is important for me to have no or limited contact with him so I can move on once I'm out of the house. He has friends and family who can support him during this time, but not the way I did the first time around. What is my obligation here, if any, given I am still technically his wife? He hasn't asked me for anything, but am I a heartless b*tch if I don't offer my help if he needs it or check up on him to make sure he is okay? I don't want to. Help?
I have been married almost 3 years. I realized pretty early on in the marriage that we had some problems. I felt invisible, couldn't communicate with him, didn't feel like he cared about my wants and needs no matter how much I tried to tell him. Everything was all about him all the time. He turned that around on me telling me I was an angry, miserable person to be around and that everyone he knew couldn't stand me. He never saw that I was angry and miserable because of the way he treated me. Eventually he became distant and said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I kept trying to get him to go to counselling because I wanted to try anything to save the marriage. He said he wasn't ready. About a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't press the counselling after that because he needed to focus on his health. I supported him through it, took 4 weeks off work in May to take care of him after his first surgery (during which time he became the man I married again, but then switched back once he felt stronger). After that our relationship went downhill from there. About a month ago he announced he didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy and realized because of the cancer life is too short and he just wanted to live for himself from now on. It was extremely painful, and still is, but I have accepted it, I understand what kind of man he is now and that this is for the best...I have found a place and am moving out Nov 1. My dilemma? His final surgery is scheduled for Nov 15. He will be in the hospital for about a week and there will be a recovery period at home. It is important for me to have no or limited contact with him so I can move on once I'm out of the house. He has friends and family who can support him during this time, but not the way I did the first time around. What is my obligation here, if any, given I am still technically his wife? He hasn't asked me for anything, but am I a heartless b*tch if I don't offer my help if he needs it or check up on him to make sure he is okay? I don't want to. Help?
Nothing to think about here, he reaps the damage and benefits from his decisions.
We dated about a year and a half before we got married. No, he wasn't like this before we married...I saw the first red flag on our honeymoon. There were probably subtle ones before, but I just ignored them. The flag on our honeymoon was impossible to ignore. Yes, this is what men like him do (misogynists), they put on a front, con you, hook you and then slowly try to destroy you until they have convinced themselves they don't need you anymore. Took months of therapy and a damn good book to help me see it. I won't pick another like him again...I will break the cycle!
Then she told me that her disease made her realize that life was short and that she wasn't happy in the marriage. We're separated now but see eachother every week to see if things will work out.
The thing is, she avoids any closeness between us and refuses to tell me that she's in love with me. She says she "loves me as a person". Of course, she continues to confide in me with her health problems even though my feelings of rejection and sadness over this are all but ignored by her.
It sounds like you still love this man just as I still love my wife. Yet, you have to realize that by pulling away he has asked you to stop caring for him. If this is not true, I consider his actions as abusive. It would mean that he wants your affection, but refuses to give you anything in return.
Like my relationship, it sounds like you're allowing yourself to carrying the burden of the broken marriage. That's not your place. You have no obligation towards this man. Relationships are a two way street.
I understand your feelings, though. Despite the rejection that I have received from my wife, all I still want to do is help her, make her feel happy and healthy and do whatever it takes to bring us back together. I do this even though I know it's futile.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm experiencing the same thing. It hurts. You sound like a caring, giving person. For people like you, it's sometimes difficult to direct that love and caring back towards yourself because all you know excludes your needs and feelings.
I loved the man I thought he was, not the man he actually is. I see the difference now. He is abusive, very much so...verbally and emotionally. He does/did expect everything from me, but gave nothing back. Yes I did in a way carry the burden of the broken marriage because he always told me everything was my fault. But I don't anymore. I see things clearly now, I see him clearly now. So now I'm focusing on loving myself again. How long has this arrangement with your wife been going on? Do you think it is healthy to subject yourself to pain and rejection like this? Have you considered breaking off contact for a while to give her an opportunity to "think and assess"? Do you think that she might need to experience the idea of losing you before she will conclude she really does love you? I know it sounds like a game, but you know the saying...if you something, set it free, if it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with. Thanks for your support!
I have considered breaking contact for a while but my emotions get in the way. I miss her 24/7.
Ironically, I think my pain would be reduced if the breakup was finalized. Slowly pulling off this Bandaid is very painful. But, I still hang on to hope.
In retrospect, this was a bad relationship to begin with. I should have known this from the beginning. By nature, I am a caregiver and that's what I've done from day one. In the 14 years that we've been together she has only had a job for about 5 of those years. I bought her a house (and short selled after she decided she didn't like where we lived), supported her when she wanted to go back to college (because she didn't know what to do with her life), and carried her financially for many years as she worked out her own issues. I even went bankrupt about 10 years ago because my desire to make her happy with money put me into debt. I don't blame her for all these mistakes. They are just symptoms of my one desire to make her happy.
Funny, though, how differently the head and the heart thinks.
I feel it's very much his loss not you'res ! Expesially being sick he needs u more and if he acted loveing towards u I could understand u wanting to be there and help , but the way he is acting seems he needs to find God, before its too late , hugs try and keep youre head up .
It's interesting to see how you changed the subject of this discussion from your problems to my problems. I tend to do the same thing. Why do we do that? Do you see yourself as unworthy of receiving affection and love? I ask this because that same insecurity pops up in my mind all the time. As much as I try to offer, it never seems enough so I overcompensate. You seem to be the same way.
No it won't bug me, I don't want to help him. I don't think he deserves my help and I'm afraid he will suck me back in while he is so vulnerable. The last surgery, he became the man I fell in love with again...told me he loved me, held my hand, kissed me, hugged me, cried when I left the hospital etc. he hadn't done any of those things for almost a year prior. 2 weeks after he was out of the hospital and feeling stronger he switched back to the way he was before. I was devastated. I can't go thru that again! I guess I just wanted reassurance that it wasn't a heartless thing to do...I mean he may be an a**hole, but he's still human.
My therapist seems to think so, lol. That's what I'm working on changing right now. See, people like us...caring, feeling undeserving of love actually seek out and are attracted to the type of people we both ended up with...users. We were just used in different ways in some regards. Our partners also sought out and are attracted to people like us because they know they can suck us dry. I won't bore you with why that is unless you want to know. I don't know why I changed the subject to focus on you...I guess sometime I just get worried that I'm being selfish or making things "all about me all the time". Especially now when I'm leaning on so many people for support. I'm pretty sure my mother is sick to death of my voice which is one of the reasons I joined this forum. I felt I needed more that a weekly session with my therapist and I know I'm sucking my mother dry, lol.