I’m so thankful to find this forum. I’ve been struggling for months with my heartbreak. Anyway, here’s my story. I met him in March 2015. He was upfront about being a recovering heroin addict but I accepted him and took a chance with him. He had made me happier than anyone else had. He made me feel comfortable and loved. I knew he was drinking when i met him but I didn’t know he was drinking bottles of vodka daily. After 3 months, we worked through that.

Then i found out he was doing street pills behind my back. He also stole pills that were prescribed to me. Then I found the bags of heroin (didn’t even know what it was at first) February 2016 he got arrested for possession of heroin. His dad got him out the next morning, hired a lawyer and he never even had to go to court. I educated myself on addiction and read way too many articles. I joined a drug forum so I could communicate with other addicts and learn more about drug abuse. I thought I was prepared to handle being with an addict. I thought he loved me enough to stay clean.

The most damaging situations were when I could tell he was high but he would deny it. He would call me crazy, paranoid and a bitch. I started to doubt myself. Was he high? Am I crazy? Then days later he would usually confess to being high, he would cry and apologize, I would forgive him and on we went.

Making his way to the bedroom to sleep was always a struggle for him. Then it consistently turned into him passing out on the couch every night. I would cry about it. I felt so awful about myself. I hated going to sleep alone and waking up alone. I felt like something was wrong with me. He would argue that there’s nothing wrong with him sleeping on the couch, that I should be glad he’s home, that he can’t help passing out. 

I felt like I lost all control. Nights where he would pass out before 8pm on the couch, I’d beg him to go to sleep in the bed. I wanted to watch tv without hearing him snore. He would just get angry and call me names. Then one night (2017) he pushed me to the ground and I hit my head on the tv stand. I was in shock. What just happened? Why didn’t I call 911? I knew he was high and that he would be arrested. I was weak. He blamed the incident on me. He said that I provoked him. That I should’ve just let him sleep.

In July, I knew he was high and confronted him. He gave me the usual speech that I was crazy and I never have faith in him. That’s when I broke. I laid in bed for a week. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to live. I felt like i had lost my mind. He had lied to me so much about drugs I didn’t know what was real anymore. After the week, he finally came to me in tears and confessed about being high. I gave him a choice. To get help and I’ll remain by his side or he can leave. He didn’t have an answer. Days went by with him acting as if nothing happened. I reminded him of the choice he needed to make. He admitted that what he was doing to me isn’t fair and he knows he can’t give me what I want because he does not want to be sober. He cried. He told me this is probably the biggest mistake of his life. He told me I’m the only reason he’s alive. But he agreed to leave. 

A week later he tells me he’s not leaving because he has a right to stay for 30 days. I agreed to give him 30 days. As the 30th day approached, he laughed in my face saying we didn’t have anything in writing so he can stay as long as he wants. He hadn’t even packed anything up or looked for a place to go. I didn’t know who he was anymore. How can he do this to me? 

He didn’t leave until the middle of September. But he would still stop by for his clothes and a shower. He told me he was staying with his dad and they were looking for places to rent. I found out that was a lie. He was actually living with another woman, who he works with.

I’m heartbroken that he moved on so quickly. I know ending things with him was for the best. I know I needed to get out of that situation. But I love him. I still think of him every single day. My heart aches that he just moved on and treats me like a stranger. He now says that he wasn’t happy with me, that he drink and did drugs because of me. I know that’s not true but it hurts that he’s blaming me. All I wanted was for him to be happy and well. I did everything for him. I can’t stop wondering if he was using drugs during our whole relationship. Was being with me just convenient? Did he ever love or care for me? He finally got all of his things out last week. I was too nice to throw everything out. The last time he came, he didn’t even look at me. He left within 10 minutes only saying hi and bye. I don’t understand after everything we’ve been through, how he can just treat me like I’m invisible. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about the past and the future that doesn’t exist. He had my heart but still chose drugs.