Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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prioritymail 07/08/2016

Hi, Hope everyone here is well or getting there. I have been married for nearly 8 years to an abusive man. I didn't realize it at first but now, because of a very shocking series of events, am slowly awakening to that fact.

I tried to break away a few times but he always said he would do better. And then I eventually felt that I couldn't make it without him. I still question that. And I also felt deeply ashamed because of the abuse he inflicted on my daughter. I'm so angry with myself and deeply ashamed, no matter what, about that in particular.

How could I have been so stupid? Inside my mind, I scream that question again and again, day in, day out. I have rage towards myself for being so stupid and gullible.

Now the time has come for me to go out there and find a job. I'm paralyzed with fear about it. All during the marriage, I heard how smart I was, but that it didn't matter until he 'found' me working as a 'secretary'. Despite what I've learned in the eight years since that job, despite what successes I've had, I can't shake that feeling that if I look for a job, or if I'm lucky enough to find one, that I will fail. Nevertheless, I have to get out there to take care of my daughter and I.

I guess I just need to know that I'm not alone, that other people have been there, and made it through. On top of it all, this man has gotten me into trouble legally. My stress is barely manageable and I have trouble not taking it out on the nearest person. I'm seeing a therapist. He left a message on my answering machine. I heard it and felt awful for hours afterward. He calls me from jail and asks me to help him with things. I'm planning to change my phone number tomorrow. My heart still feels sorry for him, which makes me even angrier at myself. After all the cheating, lies, abuse, I still feel sorry for him? I want that feeling to go away. Right now. It makes no sense. For example, my mind says, "he's in jail, you should do him this little kindness or that little kindness, he's not a bad person, he's suffering and humiliated, God knows what might be happening to him... etc." In the face of the facts, that is absolute madness. I have so much trouble with the feelings and how they don't fit the facts of the matter. I can't make any sense of it and so I have a hard time processing it and getting through it.

I know the actions I must take. Knowing I'm not alone would just help me feel a little safer, a little less alone, and a little less stupid.

mirandac 07/08/2016

I am sorry for your pain and hurt. There is a great board on physical and emotional abuse on here. It would not hurt to post there too.

Sometimes with abuse i hate to comment even though i have been thru it and did not admit it. My ex definetely got abusive in the last 13 years, i no ,longer pleased him.
I thought he would move thru his troubles, things just got worse until they became
Toxic. I am still working on the fallout. HUGS

thecaretaker 07/08/2016

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home that resulted in me having very low self esteem. Too my surprise I was very successful at my first job. It seems my father was wrong. Based on what you wrote I would say you are very self aware. Expand on this and begin taking care of yourself FIRST. Don't ever beat yourself up.... forgive your mistakes and promise yourself to do better. Monitor your thoughts and replace unwanted ones with good, constructive, new goal thoughts.

lynncollins9981 07/08/2016

You can do this. I am in the middle of a similar situation and I understand what you're saying about being angry but also feeling guilty for not being nice to him at the same time. Its such a confusing combination. I've started journaling. Writing down my feelings and events that are happening so that I know I can go back and remind myself of the reality of whats going one when my messed up head wants to tell me that "maybe I over reacted, maybe I should just be nice. Look at him being so sad..." Because all of that is part of the conditioning you go through as someone who has been abused. They condition you to feel bad and to feel at fault. You have to fight to undo that. As far as the job goes.... even if you're afraid embrace it. You can do this. It will be a wonderful way for you to meet some new people and even distract yourself from everything going on. A job can be a break from the stress at home if need be! Best of luck and dont give up on counseling!

samantha717 07/08/2016

GRRR!! I just spent about a half hour responding to this and it got erased! Here is the condensed version. I am in the same boat only I was married for 23 years. These are the things that helped me most:

1. This forum and the validation I get here that he is abusive and I'm not imagining things.

2. A great therapist who specializes in domestic abuse victims. Found her on Psychology Today's website.

3. This book ... "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Reading it was like opening the door to my jail cell and freeing me. Gone was the guilt and shame I had about the abuse! I put a link to it on Amazon below where you can read reviews and a chapter for free, but you can get it anywhere. Your public library may have even have it or be able to get it for you.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467998596&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+inside+the+minds+of+angry+and+controlling+men

mirandac 07/08/2016

When there is abuse things get very confusing and mixed up in your head, heart and soul.
The recovery is longer and harder, there are twists and turns of self doubt and confusion.

I still doubt my reality some days, i know what it got like and it was crazy making and insane. How did this all happen? Why? What did I do ? HUGS

prioritymail 07/09/2016

Wow. Thank you so much for all the validation and everything. You all don't know what it means to me.

suzelder 07/09/2016

Ok so I can relate too. 2 marriages so you can't feel more stupid than me!! My STBX knew what I had been through in my previous marriage so he never showed this abusive controlling side to me because he knew I wouldn't put up with it. He was this way though with my two boys. But after being together for awhile, we were together over 9 years and married almost 7, the facade was gone and the abusive behavior started. The last 3 years deteriorating into control, no trust in me, accusing me of cheating. But I didn't put up with it even when he tried to manipulate and make me feel scared and that I couldn't do it on my own. Take care if yourself and understand his behavior. I got the book that Samantha suggested above and have been absorbed in it all day. Thanks Sam it is great! Get it if you can it explains it all and makes know that you are NOT crazy

Bristli 07/10/2016

I am coming out of a similar situation. The need you feel for him is a trauma bond, not love. I had to learn this the hard way, by attempting to reconcile with him.

ezzy345 07/10/2016

You are not alone and based on what you have written I think you have the strength to get out there, get a job and have a successful life for you and your daughter. Its good you have a therapist. They will help you understand why you do the things you have done and why you want to "help" this man. Leave this man in your dust and dont look back. He is not deserving of your kindness nor another thought. I wish you peace and hope you feel better soon.

prioritymail 07/10/2016

He is definitely in the dust. No way will there ever be any reconciliation.

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