Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Been a while since I've been on here. Been divorced twice because my exs cheated on me and left. I don't choose well. Had several relationships but didn't work out. I am 39 and just feel like I'm never gonna find the right man. People telling me to quit looking and it will happen. I just want to feelmutal real love. The kind that last forever. Just ddon't feel like its real just a fantasy. I keep myself busy teaching, grad school, and taking care of my 11 year old. I guess it really hits me when I'm alone when my son is at his dads. Otherwise I stay busy so I don't think bout it too much. I guess just needed to whine a lil on here cause don't have best friend to confide in.
You now say you want a real mutual love that lasts forever and you obviously want that from another person, a man. Dr. Phil says that chances of failure of relationships greatly increase with the number of marriages you have. So you need to improve the odds.
You don't want to be craving this love from someone else because you want to learn to love yourself first and I don't think you have done that. Learning to be happy alone when you son is at his Dad's is a great start. It means that you don't need someone else for your happiness in this world. That you don't require someone else in your life in order to survive and thrive.
Think about this. You don't want to pine over love. If you are not worth enough to love yourself, then why should someone else love you? That's a good question to ask yourself.
Take care and you are worth loving yourself.
http://www.drirene.com/coinfor.htm
Frustrated, don't worry. If you look for someone to fill the void for the sake of filling it, he most likely won't be the right person. I was doing some reading on codependency and here's a good list of items to tend to:
When youre tempted to think or worry about someone else, turn your attention back to you.
Pay attention to how you talk to and treat yourself. Much of low self-esteem is self-inflicted. Train yourself to speak gently and encouraging rather than telling yourself what you should or shouldnt be doing or whats wrong with you.
Have some fun and pursue hobbies and interests of your own.
Start a spiritual practice where you spend time alone with yourself. Meditation is an ideal way to help you become more calm and self-aware.
Start looking for the positive in your life and what you do. Make a grateful list each day and read it to someone.
Stand-up for yourself if someone criticizes, undermines, or tries to control you.
Dont worry! Thats not easy, but most worries never come to pass. You lose precious moments in the present. Mediation and talking things out with someone who knows about recovering from codependency can help you.
Let go of control and the need to manage other people. Remember the saying, Live and let live.
Accept yourself, so you dont have to be perfect.
Get in touch with your feelings. Dont judge them. Feelings just are. Theyre not logical or right or wrong.
Express yourself honestly with everyone. Say what you think and what you feel. Ask for what you need.
Reach out for help when you feel bad. Dont fall into the trap of thinking youre self-sufficient and can manage alone. Thats a symptom of codependency, too.
Believe it or not 39 is not an old age. You still have plenty of life left in you.
Don't lose hope that you will find the right man. You just have to be realistic about the type of man you choose. There are plenty of great guys out there that feel exactly the same way you do. Finding is not necessarily easy but it can happen if you don't lose hope and stay true to yourself.
Maybe you can take up a new hobby when you're all alone. Have you tried online dating? Maybe there was something that you wanted to do when you were married but couldn't. Whatever it takes to shake up your routine, sometimes change is a great thing.
Hang in there. Love will find you, just make sure you remain true to yourself.
I'm learning to focus on myself and make my life the best it can be on my own, while at the same time, not giving up hope of some day forming that life-long partnership.
I don't necessarily agree with the advice to "quit looking and it will happen." I think if we really want to meet someone, we have to put effort into putting ourselves into situations where that can potentially happen. But at the same time, IMO we should also take time to focus on ourselves and making our own lives as fulfilling as possible, not just focus on meeting someone to the exclusion of other things--and not feeling like our lives are deficient until we meet someone.
Troima and Boldeagle both had some wonderful suggestions--and I completely agree with Boldeagle that 39 is by no means old! I am 48, divorced and just broken up with my first bf since the divorce--and I'm still holding out hope there is someone wonderful in my future--and so should you! :-)
If you haven't developed a comfort level with yourself, you certainly aren't going to create one with someone else. It seems like you are banging away at trying to find someone to fill this big hole in you (phrasing) whereas you will find you are the only one capable of doing so.