Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
It's taken e 51 years to figure out what's important in life, and I finally found a lady I loved unconditionally and she said she felt the same way. I had basically given up on dating in 1994 and then I finally found the real 'me' and that in turn led me to her. That's a very long story that I won't get into here.
Anyway, things were going great until Tuesday. She had come down with something last week she thought was a yeast infection, but it turned out to be trichomonas, which is a parasitic STD. She called me at 1 PM Tuesday and opened the conversation with "YOU ARE ONE BIG F***ING A**HOLE!". (Caps for shouting at the top of her lungs). The call went downhill from there.
I had told her prior to our relationship getting serious that I had a very limited sex life, the last partner being 1994. I reaffirmed this during the call, indicating I had never had any symptoms of an STD, so I couldn't have known and I was also a victim. She told me her doctor told her it's almost always asymptomatic (no symptoms) in men. In fact there's not even a reliable test for men, and men are not even tested for this unless the female partner is diagnosed with it.
Anyway she screamed it's over, done, don't call, email, text or write her! Ever!! She said she doesn't believe me and can never trust me.
I'll honor her request because I do love her and care for her so very much, but I'm struggling on several levels.
1) Obviously there's an acute feeling of loss. 2) I feel horrible for her, and I do understand why she is distraught.
3) I'm very anxious right now as we are both being screened for all possible STDs. My results will be available next week. I'm scheduled to go in for review of the results on Wednesday, 1/12.
The good news is trichomonas is easily treated. I've already taken my prescription (4 pills at one time) and that's that.
My emotions are just all scrambled right now. I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I know life will go on and I have to take things one day at a time, but that's easier said than done.
After a mostly lonely life I truly thought this was the women I might very well share the rest of my life with, and she thought the same about me. That dream we both shared is now a heap of ashes. :(
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have believed and trusted her. I would have not even required forgiveness, because that would imply she knowingly did something wrong. I would have suggested we both get fully tested (and treated if needed) and go forward from there.
Anyway, things were going great until Tuesday. She had come down with something last week she thought was a yeast infection, but it turned out to be trichomonas, which is a parasitic STD. She called me at 1 PM Tuesday and opened the conversation with "YOU ARE ONE BIG F***ING A**HOLE!". (Caps for shouting at the top of her lungs). The call went downhill from there.
I had told her prior to our relationship getting serious that I had a very limited sex life, the last partner being 1994. I reaffirmed this during the call, indicating I had never had any symptoms of an STD, so I couldn't have known and I was also a victim. She told me her doctor told her it's almost always asymptomatic (no symptoms) in men. In fact there's not even a reliable test for men, and men are not even tested for this unless the female partner is diagnosed with it.
Anyway she screamed it's over, done, don't call, email, text or write her! Ever!! She said she doesn't believe me and can never trust me.
I'll honor her request because I do love her and care for her so very much, but I'm struggling on several levels.
1) Obviously there's an acute feeling of loss. 2) I feel horrible for her, and I do understand why she is distraught.
3) I'm very anxious right now as we are both being screened for all possible STDs. My results will be available next week. I'm scheduled to go in for review of the results on Wednesday, 1/12.
The good news is trichomonas is easily treated. I've already taken my prescription (4 pills at one time) and that's that.
My emotions are just all scrambled right now. I'm trying to figure out ways to cope. I know life will go on and I have to take things one day at a time, but that's easier said than done.
After a mostly lonely life I truly thought this was the women I might very well share the rest of my life with, and she thought the same about me. That dream we both shared is now a heap of ashes. :(
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have believed and trusted her. I would have not even required forgiveness, because that would imply she knowingly did something wrong. I would have suggested we both get fully tested (and treated if needed) and go forward from there.
Perhaps print out some information on the disease and give it to her? Then back off and give her time to think about it all?
I know that it's easy to say that you wouldn't have reacted to this issue, but what if something happened that hit you close to home in another way?
I don't know how to say this, but things ARE going to come up in relationships. If the two of you can't work past them....then it will be a deal breaker. And if it wasn't this, it would have been something else. And it will have to go both ways, you'd have to get over being hurt by her too.
No relationship will ever be perfect, communication is key.
And finding out that it won't work is ALWAYS painful, but it's also better to find out sooner than later.
Hugs,
Patti
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
Educate yourself on the STD.... she may or may not accept the fact you did nothing wrong but with knowledge comes communication.
We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps before we MARCH MARCH MARCH. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in addition to your daily strength. Godspeed.
http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8686330-101-little-instructions-surviving
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358621-stages
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358615-loveless
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358611-7steps
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358596-no-contact
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358587-forgiveness
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358584-loving-yourself
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358575-loneliness
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358567-pastas-posted
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358554-drama
http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources
http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6969338-your-message
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/7880220-break-up-survival-guide/lastpage
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8291684-survivors-bill-rights/lastpage
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1599716
Your words carry much truth! I've gone over much of what you've said in my mind. It's just good to hear another reinforce them. I think that helps the healing process along. After all, isn't that what a support group is all about? ;)
As far as trying to communicate with her on this, she made it perfectly clear that at this point (and according to her any point) she doesn't care to discuss this. I know I can't do anything about that, and as much as it pains me, I just have to honor her on this.
Some things I do know, as I have come through some hard times recently:
1) The past is the past. It cannot be changed. It is futile to dwell on the 'what ifs'.
2) The future is unpredictable. It is also futile to obsess over what might come to pass.
3) Based on 1 & 2, the only way to go forward through any crisis is moment to moment. That is much easier said than done, but that's what I'm working at now. And part of the moment to moment things we can do is seek support from others willing to listen and potentially offer support.
Some other things I have learned:
1) I am the only person responsible for my joy or sorrow, happiness or pain. No one else. What I feel for her is within me, and nothing can change that or take it away. Not the breakup, not her anger, nothing.
2) I can let go and still keep the good things we had as a part of me. It will always be a part of me.
3) If this was meant to be, it will be. If not, it won't be. It does have to be mutual. I can't force or control it.
Heheh, I have far too much going through my mind and can't scribe it all down here. :)
I do suspect over the coming days, weeks, months I will verbalize much of what I have learned recently and continue to learn from this experience. I can either choose to wallow in a pool of self-pity or pick myself up and get on with life. I choose the latter, though I know it will be difficult, at least initially. After all, time does heal all wounds.
I still feel horrible though, particularly for her. I just have to be careful to not allow myself to take ownership of her thoughts and feelings on this. They are hers and she is her own person. She will have to work through this just as I will.
I'll check out those links, as I'm sure there's much I can learn and put into practice.
Heck if I could, I'd find that person for everybody, friend or not....
Check out my first journal entry. I came through some very tough times over the past three years, and have come to that conclusion and many, many more.
By the way, I'm so very glad I found this site! It's good to be able to share my thoughts when they come to me, and not having to wait to talk to someone over the phone or face-to-face. It's actually very good for me to do this. I think it's a huge aid to my healing process.
I do love her and care for her deeply. I wish I could make it all go away, but I know I can't. I am very concerned for her emotional well-being, but I know I can not do a thing for her unless she is willing to talk. Even then I can't. It's something she would have to reconcile, but I do know this: Harboring such angerness and bitterness towards me is not healthy. Even if she does not care to reconcile, I do hope in time she can let it go, and not carry it with her.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
..
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
...
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
...
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
...
When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.
...
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Here's some more to read....
The Awakening http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1599716
Ive Learned http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1811214
Lesson Learned http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1790241
For a Reason http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1942373
Maybe http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1927052
After a While http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1723676
Reason, Season, Lifetime http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1760188
The Invitation http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1742659
What love is http://www.dailystrength.org/people/306091/journal/1953501
One thing I can say for sure is this lady showed me that I was not only capable of unconditional love, but in fact loved myself.
One cannot extend love without loving one's self. This is a very valuable lesson I have learned late in life.
Ever will I hold her dear for this, regardless of the outcome of our relationship.
I suppose this fits more into the 'Reason' category.
Thank you for your kind words of support during a difficult time. My girlfriend sent me a text Sunday and wanted to call, promising not to yell. She got her labs back and all other STD tests are negative. I got all my labs back yesterday and they were all negative too.
We talked for three hours Sunday and a couple hours yesterday. Bottom line: She wants to get back together and is very sorry for the rage she directed at me. She misses me and still loves me.
After some exhausted research (Google) and speaking with our respective doctors, and knowing what I know and her trust for me, we have both come to the conclusion she must have contracted the Trich from the man she was dating a little over a year ago.
Male carriage of Trich is self-limiting. That is, the parasitic infection clears itself in time, usually within several months. However because of differences in biology (mainly menstrual cycle) the parasite can evade a women's immune system for very, very long periods of time.
40% of women are initially asymptomatic, and of that number, only 1/3 become symptomatic within 6 months. The other 2/3 can become symptomatic at some point after that.
In talking with her, it does seem there was a suspicion on her part of her previous boyfriend being unfaithful, hence their breakup. Now the question is should she inform him she may very well have contracted Trich from him and he has a moral obligation to inform any and all of his sex partners?
That's a delicate topic, and we already did discuss it. I assured her I did not blame her in the least if this is in fact the path of infection, and it's totally her decision as to whether she wants to contact him. It's a difficult decision for her, as she did care for him and the breakup was very painful. I'll support her in any way I can on this.
Anyway, I just wanted to:
1) Express my thanks for this forum and the support I received.
2) Put some info out here about Trich, as I'm sure it's been the cause of much harm and discord in relationships.
As far as us, we've decided to start over and ease back into the relationship. This week we will only chat on the phone. I suggested this as it's probably too close to "The Incident" and I think we both need a little time to sort through our emotions.