Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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I think my jealousy is causing a break-up tho
my gf is using one of those karaoke apps and I think she is really good and the comments she gets confirms it
BUT... every once and a while a guy asks her if they can chat in private
now openly commenting on a song is normal but I dont think theres any reason to chat privately and not have other motives rather than just talking about the song which you can do that in the comment section
I confronted her and assured her that I trust her wholeheartedly and that I know she wouldnt do anything and she replied "are you sure"
she claims that she was testing me and wanted me to say I really do trust her theres no doubt but I said I know she wont but it still doesnt make me feel good about someone hitting on her
now she hasnt talked to me since then
was I wrong and telling her the truth about how I feel or should I just let her take care of it on her own and quietly be jealous
Having a private 1:1 chat is the virtual equivalent of going out for coffee or lunch with a member of the opposite sex. If the two of you are exclusive, you should have already decided between the two of you if you both feel comfortable with the other having casual friend style meet ups with member of the opposite sex.
How would you feel if she went out for coffee or lunch with a guy she knew? Would you see that as just her living her life and enjoying conversation with another man or does it make you feel uncomfortable? How would she feel about you doing the same or speaking with other women in private chats?
There is no right or wrong answer here. It's not really an issue of being jealous or if you trust her. It's an issue of what is to potentially gained or lost by either of you spending 1:1 time with a member of the opposite sex. This is an issue you need to think about and have an honest dialogue about. If you can't agree on a course of action that you both feel comfortable with, then you really can't have a healthy relationship.
I must admit to being a bit greedy about my hubbie's time. He can have lunch during working hours with whoever he wants, male or female. Once he's off work, all his time is mine. It's not whether or not the other person is female, but how much time he is taking away from us to spend with other other women. I have a zero tolerance there and he knows it because we both kind of feel the same way.
I am uncomfortable with her going for coffee or lunch with other guys only because I want that time with her
it's like the song jealous... being jealous of the wind and stuff like that...
so how can I tell her that without sounding insecure?
She has no reason to be less than forthcoming, so she'll probably say exactly what she thinks. After hearing that I'd nicely say exactly what you said above. You'll both be in agreement or need to compromise a little. She just needs to really be sure how she feels about you spending alone time talking to other women to make sure there is no double standard in her mind. I'd avoid using the word jealous and stick to just saying what you're comfortable with, particularly when it comes to new people neither of you know because there is some inherent risk in meeting and being alone with people you don't know.
After that's sorted, bring up the issue of online private chats. Tell her that you see similarities between chatting with members of the opposite sex online and meeting for coffee or lunch in real life. Again refuse to dialogue about issues of jealously and phrase it as clarifying boundaries so you know what she's comfortable with.
If she tries to wrap it back around to the conversation you previously had before about her private chatting, don't let her draw you into an argument or make you feel some kind of way of way about that. Play it cool. Tell her that when you discussed it before, you really hadn't given relationship boundaries in general much thought. Tell her that you've just been enjoying your time with and now that you are getting more serious, maybe it would be good to have a better understanding about her expectations to make sure you're on the same page. However it goes down, make sure you negotiate something you're truly comfortable with or you're going to end up in a world of mess later.