Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I posted a few days ago and appreciate the support.
I just wanted to comment on the number of people that are going through breakups from marriages of 20+ years. And almost all involve infidelity.
I'm in the same boat -- I've been with LCH (lying, cheating husbandry ) for 28 years -- haven't even kissed another man since the day I met him and I now know he's been having affairs for at least 12 years.
I don't understand how they can live with themselves. I can at least fathom one short term affair that results in the person taking a hard look at themself and the relationship and either recommitting or getting out. But to continue to lie for years, I just don't get it.
I am so embarrassed to be the one with the philandering husband -- to the outside world we looked like the perfect family. Beautiful home, smart and adorable daughter, second home in the mountains, no money problems, etc. But it's a joke and I'm the punchline.
He was just out of college when we met. I was the successful one -- he latched on to my skirt. I paid for the wedding, I paid for the honeymoon. I paid the huge down on our first house. He was insecure, but I believed in him.
He finally got his career going when he hit 40. I stopped working to take care of daughter because his work requires him to travel. I had an hour commute, worked long hours and traveled I was a child of divorce and didn't want my daughter to be raised like I was. I wanted to be there for her. And she has flourished.
And what did he do when he finally tasted success? He had affairs to inflate his ego. He got to be the successful businessman that could wine and dine his women. Send flowers. Go to the theater. Be romantic. Things he never did for me.
So I propped him up, supported him, believed in him, took care of his child, took care of his house, made him incredible meals, and was faithful. He thinks I took advantage of him. He has no idea how much I miss my work. How utterly boring it can be to parent day in and day out. And what do I get in the end? I get to lose my beautiful home and worry about benefits and retirement.
I hope my daughter will learn from my mistakes. I fear she is destined to repeat them in some form. I thought I had figured it out. I wasn't going to rely on a man for financial success. I married for live, not money. I didn't have my daughter until I was secure in my marriage. I feel like I fell for "the long con."
Wow, didn't mean to rant, but it flowed out of me so I must need to vent.
even though many were religious. It Still did not stop
The infidelity.and sometimes abuse/addictions.
One saying i have heard is there are usually two
Guilty Parties in a divorce and one broken and selfish
One. Many times we marry for love and think all is well
or will Get better and improve that sometimes is not the case.
People Grow up and change and with that we change
and grow Or we dont at all and go back into the selfish,
self centered Person we were As a single. Hugs
Welcome to the group
Sometime later she finished all that and her career took off. Then she (apparently) changed. The ego/arrogance picked up, she was cheating (unbeknownst to me), personality seemed to change (actually she seemed to regress - act like a teenager in some ways).
We also had had a child during the early period. So I feel like you do: I was the responsible one, I supported her and propped her up during her difficult times. When we had a child I took on > 50% of the work because her job was so demanding. And once she finally "made it" - what happened? Her ego blew up, she felt entitled, she cheated, etc. She didn't appreciate the things I had done for her.
So yes, I understand your perspective!
Marrying for love - definitely the "right idea", but I'm not sure you can count on anything long-term these days. Maybe a rant for another time. But there are no guarantees in life, and people DO change.
I started on this site something like 1.5 years ago when my own marriage was imploding. And I remember feeling VERY similar - I can't believe how many people with 15-20 year (or even longer) marriages are on here experiencing the SAME thing. It seems like people hit the 35-45 age group and things fall apart.
Anyway, I also remember thinking about how infidelity is almost ALWAYS the cause. Yes, it is. Almost always. I am wiser, for sure.
I wish you the best.