Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am really sad, not particularly over my last girlfriend, and the breakup is still very fresh. I am pretty sure even if she and I got back together, which would ease the loneliness in my heart temporarily, but it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Not because we wanted different kinds of relationship, but at the end of the day, I am simply incapable of maintaining a long-term relationship. No matter how great it starts out, I always end up feeling trapped, and struggle to stay in it to make it work. After the initial highs and lows, I eventually only focus on what I want to do, and the other person always always gets in the way. And I view that as a problem, and in my trying to resolve the problem, I act all righteous and blame the girl for not giving me enough space. Yet I continue to stay in the relationship while "helping" her to fix her. Spending time with her and doing what she wants become "favors". What is wrong with me???
I want out, but I also don't want to lose the girl. Inevitably, the girl gets fed up, and leaves me. I get all heart-broken, and start to remember all the good things, and want her back. Why do I do this over and over time and again??? Is there hope for me? I want to be fully committed to the woman I love, and at times I do genuinely feel that way, but why do I get so wrapped up in my own shit, and end up losing sight of what's really important? I realize that I don't want to be this way, but this behavior is like engrained in my DNA. I wonder if I can really break out of it.
So sad, for hurting another great girl... I feel so ugly on the inside.
Flame on, please... I need to hear it!
I want out, but I also don't want to lose the girl. Inevitably, the girl gets fed up, and leaves me. I get all heart-broken, and start to remember all the good things, and want her back. Why do I do this over and over time and again??? Is there hope for me? I want to be fully committed to the woman I love, and at times I do genuinely feel that way, but why do I get so wrapped up in my own shit, and end up losing sight of what's really important? I realize that I don't want to be this way, but this behavior is like engrained in my DNA. I wonder if I can really break out of it.
So sad, for hurting another great girl... I feel so ugly on the inside.
Flame on, please... I need to hear it!
But, check this out - You are very much so like my EX - when we go together, the first year - he was a completely different person, he was more relationship driven - as time went on, he became detached - self absorved and like you mentioned - spending time w/me became a chore for him - he picked up multiple new hobbies/activities that kept him completly absorbed - it was so bad that even the sex suffered - (too long of a story - LOL) - There was also cheating on his end - I ended up giving up on him because frankly - incosisten ppl are too high maintenance and a turn off.
Like you also - once he's dumped - he even plays the victim - acts like he's all depressed, says he misses the relationship, etc. Yet while in it, he was the most detached, unattentive, loveless person. Like you he wanted a family/commitment - he had a foot inside the home and one out there in the single world.
I am not sure how old you are but I've heard many say that men under 35 kinda go through this stage. I encourage you to attend counseling - it may help you figure out what's going on inside you. So good that you at least own up to your actions, my ex never did.
Good luck :)
You recognized and addressed issues that are causing stress in your interpersonal relationships. You have given yourself the power to work on it and fix it simply by being mindful. Looks like you have quite a bit of work ahead of you.
The right therapist would be able to help you make heads or tails of whats happening to cause you to do these things and then point you in the right direction to resolve them, but therapy is not always the most viable solution and doesnt work for everyone.
What are your relationships like with other people? Family, friends, etc? Maybe work on developing more long term, deep connections with others as practice for correcting your behaviors, new friends and old alike.
I wish you the best of luck !
I am 41 now, as far as I can remember, I have been like this in all of my significant relationships with women. I have a close group of friends, but I recently moved 2000 miles away. While I am trying to maintain the friendship, obviously it's not the same. Everything is just hitting me all at once, and I feel like I am falling apart. The holidays don't help either.
I am going to talk to my therapist about this revelation this week. She thinks I am a great guy. Yeah right! Probably had to say that by default. I know my issue goes back to the way I was raised - parents have a horrible marriage but are still together.
I am not hopeful that I can completely break this behavior, and will likely continue to have bad relationships. I want to do the best I can though. I want to love and be loved.
I do not want to be that person. I do not want to be that person. I do not want to be that person any more!!!
You will get to a point of discovery and the road ahead will appear brighter.
Perhaps you have a fear of intimacy, not sure. If so, it's addressable.
My Ex? - I was a good woman to him - he treated me like a doormat - he was never remorseful and hurt me even after we were broken up (I allowed all of it) - I didn't want to give up on him but had no choice.
Forgive yourself - we all make mistakes - stick w/counseling.
Good luck :)
Thanks for being very honest in this thread. Now I'm not bashing or judging, but I am reading some very pertinent contradictions in your posts, but also some great truth.
You seem to understand your role in the problem when standing back and objectively dissecting it. That is, you turn it around by trying to 'fix' her, but ask what's wrong with you? You also say you feel so ugly on the inside.
For what it's worth, you can't like someone without first liking yourself. You can't love someone without first loving yourself.
On a personal level, no one outside of yourself can help you like or love yourself. That's something you're going to have to work on yourself, perhaps with the help of counseling or therapy or spirituality or some combination thereof.
I know it sounds like a hard road to take, but I think you have to make peace with yourself before you can have a healthy and meaningful relationship.
Too often we only focus on the destination, when in reality it's all about the journey. The journey is each and every moment of our lives, and awareness/mindfulness brings them to life. And not only the good moments, but also the bad, for that's the springboard of growth.
I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can think of is counseling and if it doesn't help then change counselors. I think the fact that you recognize so much of this is a huge step forward
I have a difficult time breaking up with girls when things are not working out. I am a vocal person, but when I am not "being heard", or sometimes I feel my discontent in the relationship cannot be discussed without her feeling hurt, I avoid the conversation and start to become self-absorbed, and try to find fulfillment in other activities/hobbies. I have never been a cheater, but hanging out with friends, riding my motorcycle, and time away from girlfriend in general becomes my refuge, so that I can stay in the relationship.
I wonder if other people deal with or avoid conflict in the same way...
Your therapist thinks you're a great guy because you probably are. You're in a"focus on everything negative" phase and likely wouldn't believe anything anyone said to the contrary anyway.