I understand part of that from the kids point of view. My step-mom and my dad fight all the time.
I don't know how to help you but I hope it all works out in the end.
Much Hugs and Love.

Well you could suggest marriage counseling or even each do individual counseling.

Personally I can’t stand yelling. But you would think he would have brought it up by now and you have been together a long time.

Maybe with some space you guys can at least sit and talk calmly

Oh I’m so sorry you’re in such turmoil. I can see your pain and shock as I read your words Needinghelp…

At least your spouse is kind enough to let you know he wants out of the relationship. He’s being responsible but I also think he needs therapy because why wait to tell you he’s unhappy at the last minute.

Men can be so selfish but if he’s still wanting to do family activities maybe you both can salvage the marriage with marital counseling?

If I was given the choice I would have done family therapy altogether, but I wasn’t given the choice.

No need to fear I think you’re in good place your husband doesn’t sound like a jerk. He sounds like he cares about you and the kids. He might be annoyed or bored.

Give yourself some healing space and try to see eye to eye with your spouse. I truly hope you can save your marriage.

Oh, wow. This is very distressing for you. It is not pleasant to be with a "yeller" as you now understand. It feels like an emotional assault. I think changing this is wise as you stated. It is bad for your kids also. It teaches everyone to be angry and it hurts feelings. I admire your willingness to be vulnerable on here. It isn't easy to admit our own faults.

So somewhere deep inside I think you have too much anger and it comes out when you yell. It allows you to hurt other people that you love. I would suggest you get to anger management counseling for some help so that YOU can be a happier and more emotionally calm person. You don't want to drag all this anger and emotional pain around for your whole life nor teach your kids this.

Sometimes people are what is called "high conflict people" and they start out at 90 miles an hour, mad, saying ugly things and just create conflict. It doesn't lead to happiness. If your husband sees you are working on changing and show him you handle conflict differently in the future, perhaps he would be willing to reconnect.

And being a yeller to your kids or your kids seeing you do this to their dad, well that makes them anxious and unhappy. They don't feel loved, they feel scared and unsure of does mommy love me, is mommy happy or angry today. Your whole family will benefit from your working through this issue. We are also here for you. The man who originated the high conflict people theory is named Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and you can attempt to read some of his books but they are aimed at those of us having to deal with the conflict and anger and really it is often cruelty when we are being yelled at. I wish you the best. You deserve to work this out within yourself to fix it. Otherwise, your future won't be as happy or pleasant and you do deserve better.

I don't know if you have tried this approach. But maybe give husband some space. Write out a real apology that starts with "I apologize for yelling so much and saying mean things to you." Don't give reasons or blame him. Use the "I apologize" wording not "I am sorry". Big difference. Take ownership of your own anger and tell him that. If this makes no sense, a good book is "Why Won't You Apologize?" which helps us take ownership and also how to say a proper apology. Those stupid ones the politicians make, "I am sorry for those who are offended about my affair or my stealing the money, blah blah blah" is not a real apology as it doesn't take ownership. Giving a real apology and taking ownership and then changing can help things. I am not blaming you, I am saying something that our culture has gotten away from with the fake "I am sorry if I offended you" stuff.

I would take him at his word that he is done and I would not do family vacations at this time. Those will set you up for hoping he comes back or having sex with him while his mind is somewhere else. He may have a lover that you don't know about.

Sometimes people can't share how they really feel. Being yelled at can be intimidating and scary and people sometimes just shut up. This aspect of your personality can also be his excuse or his blame of you when he is actually got a lover in the backdrop. Now he has something to totally blame you for while you have no idea what he is doing. I'd try and sit with him alone, just you two, and talk it out. See if he takes ownership for his faults, believe me we all have faults. You also take ownership. Have him move out of the main bedroom. Stop the sex as it keeps you connected emotionally to him. Assume it is over and treat him as a roommate. He needs to move out.

First and foremost get yourself to a good divorce or family law attorney and find out your rights and obligations under the law where you live. Be self protective. You guys may work it all out and both take ownership of their faults. But if you don't, you need good legal advice and to be proactive. Since there are kids it will help them to have a custody arrangement worked out first and foremost.

Not right that he wants his cake of being in the house and doing family things when he doesn't want to be a family.

Take him for what he says and find a quality family attorney. Talk to a few of them. See what they have to say and how they would get you what you want.

Don't bend over backwards and give in to him. It's probably a short term fix for his ego. He told you want he has to say for now. Be careful of him of changing his mind back and forth.

Protect yourself and the children even if you have to leave for now.

Plenty of books and podcasts out there. Only you know if you can gain anything from them. What one likes, someone else won't.

It’s not like he’s asked you to leave the home or being nasty about you staying in the home with the kids. After all he has every right to be under the same household until fully divorced and all is decided evenly. But that’s just my take from what you say.

Where is the op?

Another ghost

It's hard to tell but maybe this one is not over. He made a seemingly legitimate request, he doesn't like to be yelled at and you trivialized it saying this is how your family does things. My parents yelled also, but I got in a marriage without it, and for 30 years, there was very little yelling . But if he's not doing anything horrible and feels like he wants support and not screamed at, the logical thing is for you to sell you'll work on it and consider counseling to address that- anger management can provide some tools.

I would say you want to work things out, but more than that show him in a tangible way because again, his one request didn't seem unreasonable. Maybe there's more and you have to listen.

It's hard, I know one man who said to his wife, you don't need to treat me like a king just as well as you treat your casual acquaintances. Women can be strange with tough talk to family members and effusive compliments to strangers.

I talked to a family member who was talking pretty harshly to her daughter about problems with a house the daughter bought. I said to the mom why don't you use a compliment sandwich, start out pleasant with a compliment too, make your point hopefully in a delicate easy manner, and then end with a compliment. She thought for a minute, seemed to be mulling this over in her head and said, I don't need to go through all that this is my daughter I'm talking to.