Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is so crazy...I thought giving him a fight in the court and putting my foot down would feel good. Making the divorce hard for him by fighting for what I feel I ought to get for him ruining my life for another woman should feel good...but it doesnt! I'm feeling sorry for him ! He's messed up my life forever and that of my daughter's ..he's wronged me and my daughter and yet me acting tough on him feels bad...makes me feel guilty !! So what should I do, I ask myself...forgive him and hand him over to his new love and new life while I pick up the pieces ?? Say to him--"i am happy for you, you found love..go ahead' ??? My daughter had tears in her eyes today as she was missing him ...and I felt so awful seeing her in pain. We were such a happy family--why did he want more , for which our family had to be broken...is she and this love worth losing 'us', i.e. our family? Divorce is so pathetic--it causes pain to everybody--the wrong-doer; the wronged and worst, the child/children. I'm getting what I want--revoking the mutual agreement where I got hardly anything; the next step being asking for my rightful alimony; giving him back for all the hurt and tears he's caused me..and yet, I feel bad for him ! Crazy,huh?! I've gone through HELL in the last 5 years; getting into a major depression, wanting to end my life a number of times; begging him to not leave ; listening to him use words that broke me down. And yet, as the divorce begins to take shape , with me wanting to fight for my rights--(which is not bad, is it?) --I still feel bad !! I feel sympathy for him when he showed me nothing but brute force...he is no longer the same husband of mine but he is still my daughter's dad. I have been using strong words in this group and moving ahead to 'set things right' for all the pain caused to me and the life-altering consequences for me and my daughter ...but why does it seem that even if I 'win' legally, I still lose? Guess everybody's a loser in a divorce and its painful. I hope I dont harbour any feelings for him ...if I do, its for the person he was, not what he's become now. He doesnt love me--he's told me this so many times ...he doesnt 'want' me...so easily he says this and when my daughter was with him, many times I couldnt speak with her as he wouldnt take my calls--then I had to log on to YM to 'chat' with my girl.
After all this, I feel bad, instead of good and strong that I am moving forward to get my 'justice'. I've got to be one crazy softie! : ((
After all this, I feel bad, instead of good and strong that I am moving forward to get my 'justice'. I've got to be one crazy softie! : ((
It won't always feel this way. As far as deciding one what to do (forgive...hand over to mistress) you don't have to decide that right now either. Just go for what is rightfully yours and you will sort the other stuff out in due time.
ps I'm proud of you!!!!!!!! (((HUGS))))
my ex was extremely dependent and drained me dry. i was so stressed. now, she has replaced me. it all revolves around her needs and desires. she has what she wants and feels no guilt. i feel sorry for the poor man. she will take him for a royal ride.
let's agree to meet our own needs first from now on. no more over stressing. no more over working. no more taking on too much blame for the success of the relationship. ok?
It is important that you fight for what is rightfully yours to have, but to think that you will feel better for standing up for your rights is not always the case immediately.
It will be hard at times, but what is most important is that you are taking care of you and your daughter. That is what will ultimately make you feel better about yourself standing up for your rights. Of course you are going to feel bad at times. That is understandable. But I think if you do things out of wanting what should be rightfully yours, instead of doing it to be vindictive, you will feel better about it.
Be strong. I am sure you are in for a bit of a rocky ride, because he is not going to like the fact that you are bucking him and standing up for yourself for once. But in the long run you will respect yourself for havning done it! Good luck!!
Any man that would leave a loving woman would also not do right by his child.
Get all you can in the divorce.
It can always be adjusted lower later if you feel bad.
He is an idiot for leaving you.
I gave my ex everything and loved her deeply and more than any woman ever..and still she left me for her old boyfriend.
Makes no sense is just stupid.
What you need to do is sit down and think about this man (I don't know anything about him) but think about what you can realistically expect from him towards you and your daughter.
Ask for what is fair, if you don't know what is fair go talk to an outsider and talk to them truthfully and then ask them what is fair. Then fight for that.
And yes, you should just tell him that you're happy for him and that you wish him the best. Look at it from your daughter's eyes. How do you want her to look at you when the dust settles? Do you want her to see a vindictive bitch who tried to make things hard simply because she was hurt, or do you want her to see a woman who was strong and fair and conducted herself with dignity?
You can be mad at him, you can try to make things hard for him because he hurt you but that won't make you feel better. Hurting him won't make you feel better. Seeking help and support for yourself and trying to re-find yourself will make you happier.
And yes, I do know that this is easier said than done. But at this point in our lives it's about knowing what fights to pick, what fights we want to fight out of vindictiveness and hurt, what fights need to be fought, what fights we can win, what fights we have no hopes of winning and above all how we feel about ourselves and what our kids will think.
But you have to remember that the divorce is a BUSINESS DEAL and take the emotion out of it.
When he married you, he made a contract with you. He broke the contract. If he were a company and broke a contract, you would sue for damages. That is all your are doing now.
You have to look out for what is financially best for you and your child. THERE ARE NO DO OVERS IN DIVORCE. Once the divorce is over, you don't get to go back later and say, "Wow, I wasn't thinking clearly. I think I want alimony now, or the house, or half your retirement, etc. You'll be out of luck.
You need to dig deep and find what my friend Cowgirl Kathi calls your RIGHTEOUS ANGER and use that to power you through. There will be time for tears later, but right now, TAKE CARE OF YOU!
Sending hugs. I know this is difficult.
Remember, he has certain legal obligations. Do not feel guilty about fighting to have those obligations enforced.
And yeah, sometimes we think the other deserves some pain in return for the pain they inflicted on us. Sometimes we even attempt to visit some pain on them. And sometimes we feel very guilty about doing so. Try to compartmentalize. You fighting for your legal rights is just that. He must now uphold his end of the bargain. That does not end just because he decided he wants out.
You can stand up for your legal rights and still have some level of compassion for him if you so choose. I think you feeling bad for insisting he does what's right speaks volumes to your character, and it's all good. :-)
Sometimes doing what's right just isn't easy for either party. Still, you have to look out for yourself and your daughter. Right now those are the two most important people in your life.
(((((HUGS)))))
Maybe it's because my divorce went real smoothly, but I don't see why there is always a fight and a struggle. Ultimately, it's going to end, and emotions and feelings will have to be dealt with in an appropriate way.