Yes...I believe it is still cheating
But you need to decide that between the two of you

To me, yes, it should still be considered cheating.

But I'm not convinced it's all just an academic question for you, as you seem to suggest. You want closure, you want answers, you want to know the TRUTH. He has completely unhinged your entire world. So, yes, you are entitled to all these things, and more. You are probably thinking, "He is still coming into MY HOUSE to shower, etc. etc!!" You probably feel a conflicting mix of violation, together with an odd sense of hope that he will mend is ways.

But lemme ask you: Given the facts on the ground, as they are now, what do YOU want to do? What can YOU do to be proactive about the destiny of your life? You aren't going to change him, but you CAN change yourself. Your life, after your 18 year marriage, doesn't have to end with a "period." It's up to you to make this end with a semi-colon.

I would say yes. My now ex was doing the same thing, but justified it by saying that she had already filed for divorce. Depending on the state, his actions could have ramifications during divorce proceedings.

IMHO, yes it is still considered cheating.

Based on his behavior, I would say the reason he just can't say so is that he selfish & self-centered and only cares about himself. He appears to be incapable of 'manning up' and being honest.

Sadly, you may never get the answers you're seeking. Even if he did give you answers, chances are he'd be lying.

The only way you will get closure is within you.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Please take good care of yourself. And, as much as I hate to bring it up, one way to do that is to get tested, if you haven't already.

~healing hugs~

thanks all....it is just........he has NEVER been a liar or a cheat, he NEVER put himself before anyone, EVER, until this last year and I in my heart truly believe there was no one until the end of May..he can't wait THREE more months to start something until this is all over

And I suppose maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, I truly am lost and do not know how to get past constantly imagining in my head him being with someone, the who, the where, the HOW can he

And sad that on top of the 18 yrs of marriage, we go back to jr high with gaps (some very long) in between, I can't let go, maybe I never will? I feel I should dislike him strongly, and somedays I guess I do but...

I think it's definitely considered cheating. While it might not matter, lying about it doesn't help keep your coparenting relationship strong. My husband told me after 18 years of marriage that he was going to leave his family to be with other women. He thinks that because he told me its not cheating, I think otherwise. He is still married to me. But the bigger question is do you want to know? Will the answer to the question set you back in your healing?

It is a long long healing process. Someday you will be able to let go. I know it. I married my high school sweetheart. Together 27 years in total - 14 yrs married. He was my only boyfriend ever. It. Is going. To take a long time. I read somewhere that a rule-of-thumb is 1 year recovery for every 7 together. No idea where "they" get these things. But, that puts me at about 4 years recovery - which, frankly, sounds about right. I'm one year in and doing much much better, but am not there yet.

Good luck. I do think getting closure helps. Once you KNOW it is over it is easier to start healing.

Anger is one of the few things that does more damage to its container than to the one it's directed towards.

My response to your question: It's complicated. A while ago I would have chimed in with a yes. Now, I'm not as sure of it. At this point it's just a piece of paper that's in the queue to be torn up.

I too am going thru a divorce (30 years together). Neither of us cheated (unless you count his watching live porn on the web, an occasional happy endings massage, stripper bar once in a while - I'm sure some call that cheating too, but I dont).

I had a similar conversation with a friend last night (she's a therapist BTW). I'm planning a trip later this year and while there I'll happen to see an old friend (we had chemistry once upon a time). I mentioned that if the divorce isn't over by then, I can't act upon it if the heat is still there. She cautioned me to be a bit more open to the flow of my life (& not judge myself). Two things happen during the divorce, we work to put the old relationship behind us and we look forward to how we will live life in this next chapter. She also affirmed that it was good I was spending at least half my energy looking forward and making plans for myself.

Maybe that's what your STBX has done. Are you looking forward and making some plans for your next chapter too? You're free to make it whatever you choose. Free to dream.

I understand it's painful, particularly when his schedule is so visible to you. It would be better if he could have been honest with you about it. He might have been trying to spare your feelings by not saying anything, although avoidance isn't usually a good plan.

I'm in the codependency group too, which is all about trying to redirect the excessive time and energy we put into thinking about and controlling those around us - it needs to be counter balanced by being introspective and working on/for ourselves.

You can't change what he's done. Obsessing over it won't make it better for you.

Personally, I'm trying to remember: Anger is one of the few things that does more damage to its container than to the person it's directed towards.

I hope and pray that you can be gentle with yourself. Go find your own flow of life and make plans for being joyful in this next chapter. It might help to heal the wounds he caused.

I married my high school sweetheart, we were together 4 1/2 years before we got married. We were actively married for 20 years, and separated for 5 years. We've been divorced for almost 3 years.

My now exhusband was with his current girlfriend for 6 years while we were actively married. They have been together for 14 years.

I started dating 2 years into our separation. We had been married on paper only for years before we physically separated.

I knew he was seeing someone, but I had no idea that it was an on going relationship for years with the same person. For the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage he would come home from work for an hour or 2, change his clothes and wouldn't return home until 2-6am, choosing to sleep on the couch. He would wake up, get dressed for work, and the cycle would begin again. This was his routine Monday-Friday. On the weekends if there was an event or a family gathering he would attend separately and leave shortly after he arrived.

My ex was my first everything. I wanted closure, but now I feel that I may never get it. I have so many questions I would like to ask him, but in my heart of hearts I know that any answers he gives me would probably be lies.

If you feel he's cheating then he probably is.

Wishing You Peace & Blessings

I'm learning to let go of the past. True closure lies within.

I guess I am odd. I consider someone cheating me when they are not giving all their misery to someone besides myself. While finding comfort in another human being it emotional, sexual or both before a divorce is final is considered cheating by many and you most definitely may be being cheated out of your own comfort ...what are they cheating you out of if there is no real relationship?.....if you were having a sexual and emotional relationship that has been agreed upon..,then yes it is cheating......and if not its just simply pre ejaculation....sorry for my crude humor.. but in my case I am most derinitely being cheated but idgaf about another woman. I feel sorry for any woman who meets my husband.

Focus on your future. On what is best for you...

don't look too long at a steaming pile of dogshit
that is what he chooses to be
don't sugarcoat a turd
never kick a turd

and don't cry over a turd