I am new here and would appreciate any advice as I am turmoiled and haven't felt like this in ages. After a 20 year marriage I left my husband, 13 years ago. With 3 sons, 1 with a chronic illness and working I felt isolated, controlled and unloved. No matter what I did, it was never enough for his exacting standards and I needed support. Went to counselling, tried communicating but finally after several years admitted defeat. It was the hardest decision of my life. I have no regrets as I was living like a pallid shadow with him. After I left, my oldest friend (our kids grew up together, shared a lot time) left her husband, rang me up and said that she was going after my ex. Her words...I am needy, he has money. Love I could understand not greed. I had rejected him, so he went along with it. She got him to spend a lot of money on her, which he wouldn't have dreamed on spending with us. I believe he feared being rejected again, so did what she said. the controller became controlled, rather ironic. She told him all sorts of lies about me, the worst being that I had been regularly unfaithful. His family ostricised me as well as my sister. When we working out our financail settlement I discovered, that he had hidden away a very large sum of money. Any vestiges of feeling evaporated. I felt let down by his bullying and unloving behaviour when I was married, but the betrayal by her left deep scars. They have been together 10 years and my sons says it is a superficial relationship. I hope it is more than that for both their sakes, despite what they did. My turmoil has arisen because they are getting married New Years eve. It has come flooding back,those feelings of disbelief, hurt, betrayal. when we married he wouldn't even wear a suit and it was very low key. they are having a large, flashy expensive wedding. I want to be happy for them, but I feel hurt. I thought I had dealt with it and it has come as a shock that I feel this way. I entered another relationship which lasted 7 years and we met on New years eve, it was always our special day, kind of ironic. Since I found out about their wedding, I have not stopped dreaming about my exb and it has completely thrown me too. Perhaps I thought i had dealt with these relationships but I had only suppressed my pain, pushed it away. Or perhaps we never completely get over the loss of love. My exb and I had an amazing relationship, connected, strong, magical. He said our bond was unbreakable and in some way I know I feel that bond will never die. Is that healthy or not? I broke up with him, in our 7th year. His demons got the bettr of him and he turned to the bottle and cocaine, he became unrecognizable and verbally abusive. I never knew what mood he would be in. I protected myself and my sons and walked away. It was unbearably painful becuase I never stopped loving him and never will. The dreams of him are so real. I miss him, I miss that magic, but it became so tainted. I have been in a healthy and happy relationship for several years and these feelings that have erupted are unsettling. I met my current partner on the rebound from my exb. We emailed for a year before we got together and it was a slow burn. He is kind, caring, funny, intelligent and loving. So why do I now since the dreams, still yearn for my exb. Our connection was transcending and I miss that as well as him. Maybe rose coloured glasses, I remember the angst, the unprecitable behaviour too. I am not going to get in touch, I would not jeaporadise what I have and I don't think it is possible to go back, when a door has been shut. But how to let go? I thought I had all of this sorted, but clearly not. Can we ever trust after a breakup, or a betrayal? Is it wise to? My current partner, despite being lovely, has had several affairs when he was married. He was married but living separate lives, when I met him online. I still can't reconcile his nature with his infidelity. Cake and eat it. His wife never found out, but the risk of all that pain to someone you once loved.... His beakup was mutual and amicable. It took him 2 years to take his wedding ring off, hasn't thought about divorce and spent xmas evening with her and his sons. They live abroad and were in the UK just for a few days. He lives on a narrowboat so too small for them to come over to him. He, perhaps has found it difficult to let go, of his marriage, a 30 year way of life, even though the love died between them. My divorce was acrominious and I it took many years before I would speak to him at all, it was my form of protection. If his was fairly amicable, then perhaps it is ok to sepnd that evening with them. Our experiences have been very different. I do trust him, but I am guarded. Why can't we give all of ourselves to another? SO much pain for so many people, makes it very hard. But we need love to feel cherished, even if we can only give that to ourselves. I told him that being with her on xmas eve was inappropriate and not acceptable. He knew this was a deal breaker, but offered no compromise. The dreams of my exb intesnsifed. I believe that most relationships get thrown off course, when only one person turns up for the fight, the fight for the relationship. He didn't turn up, (couldn't offer a compromise, maybe there wasn't one as he had nowhere to go with them) niether did my ex or my husband. Is that a reflection on me or them?  I turned up and fought intensely for my marriage and my last relationship, but to no avail . Their way or the highway. ANy thoughts would be greatly appreciated.