Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife told me she was divorcing me last December (2013) and had me served on Friday the 13th. Our divorce was final this past April.
Right after she told me she was divorcing me, she reconnected with her childhood best friend, Neil. She proceeded to travel to Key West to stay with him for a week. Upon return, she told me "don't feel bad, Neil doesn't like to share either." I asked her what she meant and she said he wants to marry her, period. He considers it a mistake that they did not marry 25 years ago. He knows things about her she has forgotten, and it is the same for her with him... Well, then she says she is healing and doesn't want to re-marry or move to FL, so they decided to just be friends.
She asked me to move out as she wanted to keep the house, so I got an apartment in March. Then this gets weird - the day of our divorce in April, she told me she wanted to go to my new apartment after the hearing and do "things" with/to me. She was very passionate, more so than ever when we were married. Then she started going for walks with me over the summer, then coming over for dinner most nights, then staying over sometimes. Just before Christmas, she bought a hair dryer to keep here.
This was all very good as I got to see my 11-yo son almost all the time and I love her more than anything.
However, while this was going on, she used all her vacation and took two more trips to stay with Neil - most recently 10 days over Thanksgiving break. She asked me to take our son to get her Christmas tree and put it up at her house (my former house) while she was gone.
I was trying to do everything right - mowing her lawn, cleaning her gutters, getting the snowblower ready, running errands for her, cooking dinner for her most nights, being here for her anytime she needed me for any reason.
Then, after taking her to dinner for her birthday right after Christmas, giving her her presents and getting groceries for her after, she asked me to get in her car and proceeded to tell me she has made a decision and we are done. She is going back down to stay with Neil again, but she still swears they are just best friends. I want to believe her.
I still love her and never wanted a divorce, and this is so hard for me, yet I have to just be fine with it for my son's sake. I feel like there is crushed glass in my heart and lungs and it gets hard to breathe.
It also doesn't help that my step-daughters (her three girls) all moved back in with her and all basically just dropped me - not even a Christmas card, though I bought them all gifts.
Please tell me this will get better, and that I will find a way to let go and move on. I miss her terribly and I miss my son now that I only get to see him Tuesdays and every other weekend.
Its like deja-vu. She left me and I was totally devastated, then she came back and I thought we were doing great, and then she dumped me again. What an anxiety ridden roller coaster ride its been. I'm only hanging on for my son's sake. How can I let go and want/start to live again?
Right after she told me she was divorcing me, she reconnected with her childhood best friend, Neil. She proceeded to travel to Key West to stay with him for a week. Upon return, she told me "don't feel bad, Neil doesn't like to share either." I asked her what she meant and she said he wants to marry her, period. He considers it a mistake that they did not marry 25 years ago. He knows things about her she has forgotten, and it is the same for her with him... Well, then she says she is healing and doesn't want to re-marry or move to FL, so they decided to just be friends.
She asked me to move out as she wanted to keep the house, so I got an apartment in March. Then this gets weird - the day of our divorce in April, she told me she wanted to go to my new apartment after the hearing and do "things" with/to me. She was very passionate, more so than ever when we were married. Then she started going for walks with me over the summer, then coming over for dinner most nights, then staying over sometimes. Just before Christmas, she bought a hair dryer to keep here.
This was all very good as I got to see my 11-yo son almost all the time and I love her more than anything.
However, while this was going on, she used all her vacation and took two more trips to stay with Neil - most recently 10 days over Thanksgiving break. She asked me to take our son to get her Christmas tree and put it up at her house (my former house) while she was gone.
I was trying to do everything right - mowing her lawn, cleaning her gutters, getting the snowblower ready, running errands for her, cooking dinner for her most nights, being here for her anytime she needed me for any reason.
Then, after taking her to dinner for her birthday right after Christmas, giving her her presents and getting groceries for her after, she asked me to get in her car and proceeded to tell me she has made a decision and we are done. She is going back down to stay with Neil again, but she still swears they are just best friends. I want to believe her.
I still love her and never wanted a divorce, and this is so hard for me, yet I have to just be fine with it for my son's sake. I feel like there is crushed glass in my heart and lungs and it gets hard to breathe.
It also doesn't help that my step-daughters (her three girls) all moved back in with her and all basically just dropped me - not even a Christmas card, though I bought them all gifts.
Please tell me this will get better, and that I will find a way to let go and move on. I miss her terribly and I miss my son now that I only get to see him Tuesdays and every other weekend.
Its like deja-vu. She left me and I was totally devastated, then she came back and I thought we were doing great, and then she dumped me again. What an anxiety ridden roller coaster ride its been. I'm only hanging on for my son's sake. How can I let go and want/start to live again?
I think the hanging out, casual sex w/middle age folks is on the rise as more people are getting divorce, so what she's doing isn't that bizarre, the problem is, she's using innocent people.
Poster, we know how difficult this is for you, a divorce/grief, etc, is no joke - the longer you allow her to have her cake and eat it too, the longer you will live in misery. Let her go, she's not your final stop - there is a world out there. Seek therapy if you haven't, reach out to friends, fight for your peace, we are all capable of getting past a breakup and set boundaries.
Good luck
I also have a hard time saying no, to even a casual boyfriend who has told me he has no attachment to me but has "fun" with me. I do get attached, and it hurts like hell (i cry a lot) when he doesn't want to see me. So I keep seeing him when he wants and crying when he doesn't. I cry less each time, I suppose that's progress! But until I meet someone new I imagine I just am too needy to say no. Maybe you could try a dating site, at least to go out for first dates to drink and talk. It IS fun to get to know new people, even ones you know you will not have a second date with.
I recommend reading a little about "poly-amory" or "breeding in captivity" (ethel perel has ted talk, it's about why monogomy is so hard). Monogomous life long relationship are not what our species evolved from. That doesn't help the hurt when there is rejection, but I imagine it is what she meant by "share."
As for your children, you don't have to give her primary custody just cuz she wants it. Also, kids are terrible about initiating letters and calls, but often respond well if you contact them. Could you write to your stepdaughters and tell them you think they are terrific people and you miss them, offer to take them out for a fun lunch or a hike. If they know their company would really support you, I imagine they would support you. It doesn't sound like your wife wants to *hurt* you, so she would not object to you seeing these children.
There is no harm in asking, it makes you a little vulnerable to say you miss them, but it doesn't make you weak, it just makes you a kind loving person with healthy attachments. I hope you do and that they are kind to you.
You need to send a message to this fella that he can't just be having it his way i.e. "having fun" with you, and then just taking off to go do the same with others. You are worth more than this guy is making you feel, and I particularly as a man don't like hearing about a woman crying over some guy.
I agree with milliejay, don't let her control you, work on yourself. It takes some time, but things do get better.
I need to go for myself, to learn to like myself. For that same reason, I just went to an alanon meeting. It seems there is some connection with the way I am, needing approval from others, low self-esteem, etc. and the fact that I had an abusive alcoholic step-father. There is a similar pattern to anyone who has lived with or loved an alcoholic. So, I need to get better, but not for her.
I gave my wife primary custody of my son because she told me she would make things very difficult for me if I didn't, and that it was in his best interest as I initially was extremely devastated by her decision to divorce me and even semi-entertained some initial suicidal thoughts. She said she would use that to show I was unsafe for my son and she would get sole custody if I didn't agree. We didn't use any lawyers or mediators. She just had me draft our agreement myself and we split most things 50/50.
So, we have joint custody, with his primary residence at his house with her, and my visitation scheduled. She is flexible though. I wanted to take him to Boston to see Blue Man Group on her weekend and she was fine with that. And of course, she wants me to take him when she is in Florida with Neil, unless she does decide to take him with her this summer.
My step-daughters seem to be very uncomfortable now around me, and they lead busy lives. I'd like to invite them to dinner, but my ex-wife says to just leave it alone for now.
Reading all these responses, I can see how I've been taken advantage of, though I still don't think it was intentional, but I guess its possible.
I managed to isolate myself over the last couple of years of difficulty, so I don't have many friends, and those I have are not in my state anymore. I'd like to get out and make some new friends, but I don't really know where to start. I'm not very charismatic or extroverted. I'm also still feeling a bit "poor me" and I don't think anyone will be too interested in a 5' 4" 50-yo guy, especially if I'm feeling this down. I don't quite fit the tall, dark and handsome.
Someone said it would be time to try dating when I was at a point where I wouldn't want to talk about my divorce or my ex - not exactly great date conversation. Probably good advice.
Look up "meetup.com" -- huge list of groups in your area (you type your zip code or something). For example, if i check "meetups" and search outdoors, I can find a group of folks who go for walks after work as many as 3 times a week. I joined them once and it was diverse by age and gender, just friendly people wanting to walk -- and they sometimes go for a beer afterwards. Meetups are designed for strangers with common interests to get together... and there are meetups for singles, meetups for hikers, meetups for poker, meetups for salsa dancing, meetups for quilting, etc. etc. etc. As time goes by, they become friends but newcomers keep joining. It is very cool.
Remember, just cuz your wife says something (like don't bother my daughters) doesn't mean you can't write to them. Good luck finding a good therapist. You know, therapists are *supposed* to be on your side, help you understand yourself, reach goals you set for yourself....
You sound like you are doing good, trying lots of things, still working on everything, knowing we have to learn to like ourselves (the self-loathing has hit me big time since my separation... I know that one). My therapist is really struggling to help me get more self confidence, I'll get it back, there used to be a lot of it.
hang in there!!!!!
Sounds inconsiderate to a person who's trying to move on and heal for the other to just be around as if nothing - but till you stand up and set boundaries doesn't sound like you are going to make much progress.
Getting over a breakup takes guts and fighting - and that fighting has to come from you. She's not going to change her ways obviously. So what are YOU going to do?
The school / daycare is the ideal exchange place as both parents on their day get to speak to the teachers if need be, and you don't see each other. Communication between parties should be via emails, with texts for emergencies.
If you continue like this, you will be used and led down the wrong path only to realize that you've been played all along, while she is having it off with someone else.
I know it's hard but for your own sake you have to stop beating your head against that wall or you're never going to feel better. Give yourself time and distance.
So, you are right. I need to step up and cut it off or I'll never get past this. I already lost another year agreeing to everything on her terms in hopes of winning her back, and I see now how ridiculous her terms were and how they kept changing. She had all the power, so to speak, and I (my state of mind) was at her whim. Often, she would tell me I had screwed up over something that seems arbitrary - changing rules I could never predict or meet, and I'd be crushed. I tried so damned hard. The result? Some great memories of walks by the river and some passionate times together, but ultimately pain, loss of dignity and self-esteem, and just being devastated all over again when she left me again. A whole year that I might have healed and moved on.
So why did I want her to stay for dinner? Why do I still crave her so much? Why do I want what once was, but clearly will never be again?
I'll say no next time, no matter how much my heart is screaming yes.