Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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LostNFound3 01/09/2015

My wife told me she was divorcing me last December (2013) and had me served on Friday the 13th. Our divorce was final this past April.

Right after she told me she was divorcing me, she reconnected with her childhood best friend, Neil. She proceeded to travel to Key West to stay with him for a week. Upon return, she told me "don't feel bad, Neil doesn't like to share either." I asked her what she meant and she said he wants to marry her, period. He considers it a mistake that they did not marry 25 years ago. He knows things about her she has forgotten, and it is the same for her with him... Well, then she says she is healing and doesn't want to re-marry or move to FL, so they decided to just be friends.

She asked me to move out as she wanted to keep the house, so I got an apartment in March. Then this gets weird - the day of our divorce in April, she told me she wanted to go to my new apartment after the hearing and do "things" with/to me. She was very passionate, more so than ever when we were married. Then she started going for walks with me over the summer, then coming over for dinner most nights, then staying over sometimes. Just before Christmas, she bought a hair dryer to keep here.

This was all very good as I got to see my 11-yo son almost all the time and I love her more than anything.

However, while this was going on, she used all her vacation and took two more trips to stay with Neil - most recently 10 days over Thanksgiving break. She asked me to take our son to get her Christmas tree and put it up at her house (my former house) while she was gone.

I was trying to do everything right - mowing her lawn, cleaning her gutters, getting the snowblower ready, running errands for her, cooking dinner for her most nights, being here for her anytime she needed me for any reason.

Then, after taking her to dinner for her birthday right after Christmas, giving her her presents and getting groceries for her after, she asked me to get in her car and proceeded to tell me she has made a decision and we are done. She is going back down to stay with Neil again, but she still swears they are just best friends. I want to believe her.

I still love her and never wanted a divorce, and this is so hard for me, yet I have to just be fine with it for my son's sake. I feel like there is crushed glass in my heart and lungs and it gets hard to breathe.

It also doesn't help that my step-daughters (her three girls) all moved back in with her and all basically just dropped me - not even a Christmas card, though I bought them all gifts.

Please tell me this will get better, and that I will find a way to let go and move on. I miss her terribly and I miss my son now that I only get to see him Tuesdays and every other weekend.

Its like deja-vu. She left me and I was totally devastated, then she came back and I thought we were doing great, and then she dumped me again. What an anxiety ridden roller coaster ride its been. I'm only hanging on for my son's sake. How can I let go and want/start to live again?

prettymamakitty 01/09/2015

I understand what you are going through. Me and my stbx got together romantically once and I thought he wanted reconciliation and I was hopeful then he changed his mind. TheN about a month went by and we were romantic again and again I was hopeful for reconciliation and about a week later he told me no we would not reconcile and he wants to move on with divorce. The emotional roller coaster almost killed me and any slight progress I was making was pushed back. Now it's been two weeks since we have talked and I feel like I am making progress and then I get pushed back. I do feel we are going to get divorced and right now my focus is on dealing with that reality. Good luck to you and take care of yourself and try and be strong when and if she approaches you again.

kbbcoop77 01/09/2015

Wow that's too bad. When my ex split I hoped for reconciliation for the first 5-6 months but it was not to be, then got the news there was someone else the whole time she never mentioned of course. Really pissed me off as I would have rather used that time for healing vs. being a fool and thinking there was a chance when there never was. Best to just try and put her in your past, you're basically starting over now which is where I was. Take care.

funone46 01/10/2015

Sorry about your situation. People play mind games and I hate that. My stbx left and dont hear or see much from her, But her kids are another story. They still play mind games and I don't respond. Her daughter dropped off a xmas gift and card on xmas eve. Now that is after her and her mom cleaned out my house right down to the toliet and toliet brush. And her daugher thinks a stupid gift will make thinks better. I crossed out my name on the card and mailed it back to the bit**. I raised her kids for 10 years and thier father compiments me all the time what a great job I did.
One thing I was very careful about because I did not trust them at all is one day my stbx was watching her grandson at the house he is 10, but wanted to leave him at the house with me while she took a fully loaded truck to storage, against judges orders. My fear was they would claim I did something to the kid and I wanted no part of that. So be careful trust no one and be aware of you surroundings at all times.

Justme2892 01/10/2015

You got played. She used your feelings until she figured out what she was seeking. But, you can see that now, so keep your chin up, move forward, and don't look back.

funone46 01/11/2015

Justme said it straight
" You got played. She used your feelings until she figured out what she was seeking. But, you can see that now, so keep your chin up, move forward, and don't look back. "
I was played big time for years. The emotional ups and downs she created took a big toll. Even her son told me she did the same thing to them as kids and thats why the dad took them away from her. Wish they told me this BEFORE I married her.
Oh well live and learn. Time to move on

refurb 01/11/2015

see her for what she is,
write down how she uses you,
write down how she uses you,
one more time write down how she uses you,
read, reread, reread,
probably will get easy to "let her go", she is not really much of a "keeper"

sucks to have to say it that way to you, because you are a good man, you do love her, and you wan the best for your son.

the right thing is to not let someone suck all the good out of you
the right thing is for your son not to have a father that is a man with the good sucked out of him

LostNFound3 01/11/2015

Thank you all for your supportive comments.

I did good yesterday, and today I am really down again. I think I'll go to an early movie by myself as it isn't my weekend for my son. Just because it is that kind of week, I woke up to a flat tire on my car, and they are PAX tires that can only be serviced by a place 20 miles away (opposite direction from work) and they are closed on Sunday. I just got an invite for a 9:00 AM Monday meeting at work on an "Org Announcement" that we must attend in person. I can't wait to see what that might be, but I may need to rent a car to get there.

Anyway, I think this breakup would be easier if I could just cut contact altogether and be "done." I could make those lists of how I got played and used, and maybe move on. I'm still "stuck" in that I don't want to believe she intentionally used me. I believe she is a good person and I love her.

I will also still have to interact with her while coparenting my son. That means I will hear things I don't want to hear, and need to adjust and live the pain again as the new man comes into my son's life. I try not to think about that, but I sometimes do.

sahm15 01/11/2015

I could not go through this kind of separation without the support of a therapist (counselor). They help you be emotionally healthy, even if sad. And they will encourage you to get out with friends, take walks with meetup groups. Eventually date, but a therapist should remind you also that we come back to being alone, either through separation or death, so we do need to get comfortable being "alone" and connect with people in non-romantic ways. That is hard, not an easy road learning to be alone. It sounds like you have been treated terribly, and I question the goodness of a partner who would leave twice. She should care more about your son -- she should not want to be so unkind to her son's father. hard time of life, so sorry

milliejay 01/11/2015

Wow - so much I can say about your EX - but I'm gonna bite my tongue for the most part - but do yourself and pull the plug on her permanently. A person who toys with some one like she has with you, is not a good person. She knows you are vulnerable and doesn't mind taking advantage of you. In addition, it's obvious that she likes using "ass" as a weapon. She sleeps with you, gets you on her good side, then goes down to FL and has a good ole time w/Neil - boy, isn't she just living it up and having fun - and you are running her errands, cooking, the whole nine - I mean, you almost making it to where she can't help but to use you.

Sorry for your grief, you deserve better. Take care of yourself, heal and move. You will find a woman who will appreciate you, your ex doesn't deserve you.

LostNFound3 01/11/2015

milliejay, I hear what you are saying, but it doesn't "seem" that way to me. Maybe I am too blind or afraid to see it that way. I married her when her daughters were 10 and 12, and then we adopted her best friend's daughter when her best friend died tragically. I bought all of them computers and cars, and helped get them all through college - the youngest just finished her RN at UCONN. So, I could think I was just used for all of that and am not needed now that they are done and she has the house, but that wasn't what it felt like all those years. Of course, they are her girls, so they are rallying around her as if I was the one leaving her. I don't know. I know this weekend without my son was really tough. Add a flat tire and an work email meeting invitation that went out today for a 9:00 AM "Org Announcement" and I'm near tears. Then, Kimberly texted me that she made a big batch of her famous Pasta Fagiole and she wants to know if I'd like her to drop some off on her way to work. I don't know what to think.

milliejay 01/11/2015

#10 - I hear what you are saying and you sound like a caring person, but I am afraid that yes, you are blind. In what sense? Perhaps she hasn't always used you but she is aware that you are hurting after she divorced you, yet she keeps toying with you, that doesn't speak very well of her. You would have to be ready and at a place to stop this. People treat us who we allow them.

The choice is yours, you either pull the plug on her and start your healing process to move on with your life or you continue to let her hold you hostage. Life is short, but you already know this.

Good luck.

deltone 01/11/2015

Wow Wow Wow....this is the kind of thing you see in the movies or read about in a romance novel.

@OP..I am really sorry to hear about this, and like others have said, this woman preyed on your feeling and emotions, and used you to get things done, while she was off banging Neil, and then coming back to do you. Hopefully you used protection?

Why did you move out of the house?

loosingthebattle 01/12/2015

Believing that you weren't used is where I'm at. I still believe and remember the man he used to be. I know how hard it is having him be affectionate and wanting/hoping for the connection to save our marriage. Even as little as an hour he would remind me that things weren't and I knew he was still communicating with his 'friend'.
I have no advice, but can empathize with your pain. He called and asked to bring over pie tonight and I had already cooked dinner/dessert for me and kids. But said yes trying to keep peace for our kids. I feel some progress because I didn't cry after he left this time.

LostNFound3 01/12/2015

deltone,

She says she is not banging Neil. When we were walking by the river in August, I said I was having a hard time around her going to stay with Neil, and she said "Don't feel bad, Neil doesn't like to share either."
That comment bugged me so I emailed her and asked her what she meant by that. This is her reply:

"I'm sorry. I wasn't being coy and I'm not playing with your feelings.

He wants to marry me, period. I'm healing and don't wish to marry or move to FL. When it comes to me, he won't date or have casual sex- he's incapable of it. We are beyond that "exploration" phase because we've known each other all our lives. In his estimation, dating would be going backwards and casual sex is impossible. He's no mystery and considers it a huge mistake that we didn't marry 25 years ago. The man knows things about me I've forgotten and it's the same with me about him.

So, friends it is and we are both good with that because that's our default setting anyway. I will visit him whenever I can and he has an open invitation to visit me too. That's where we stand."

She said she is a "serial monogamist" and she was only having sex with me, but wasn't willing to commit to anything other than she would "let me know if that changed."

So, I don't think she is banging Neil, but again I could just be a fool.

I moved out of the house for the sake of my son. We both agreed that it would be better for my son (less change) if he kept the same house, the same school and had access to his friends in the neighborhood. She insisted on primary custody, and one of her daughters and her boyfriend were also living in the house, and her other daughters said they would move back home and help her by paying rent. So, I had to leave and find an apartment. She refinanced to pay me for my half of the equity, or most of it anyway as she couldn't qualify for a loan for the full amount.

Since she just decided to dump me again, I suppose it is all a moot point anyway. I just have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move forward. It is also very hard now when she wants me to take my son for the week when she goes to stay with Neil. I love having my son, but it is hard to be emotionally stable for him knowing she is with Neil and wondering if anything is going to change while she is there. I'm not sure what is worse. She is also talking about taking my son with her to Neil's to go shark fishing and see a sunken treasure museum, etc.

milliejay, I know I am going to have to learn to say no. At the moment, I haven't seen her since she told me "things changed and we are done," though she is leaving the pasta fagiole by my door this morning. I should have said no to that. I guess I'm not strong enough yet.

deltone 01/12/2015

@mlewisct......I think you now know not to trust anything that comes out of this woman's mouth. You have a son together, and you indeed have a parental responsibility to cay out. I can tell you that whatever chance you get to spend with your son, grab it with both hands as those memories can't be relived if missed.

Now that it's over, gradually try to work on removing the emotions, and focus on your health and well being. I have my son 50-50 (week on, week off), and I make the most of the time building memories that can't be taken away from me.

Work to finalize the divorce, so you don't have that cloud hanging over you. Even though it was me that asked for a divorce because of a fork in the road and lack of mutual respect, I can tell you that it isn't easy for those involved.

Good luck

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