I think there's a better question to be asking yourself, and that's "Why am I letting these guys determine how much I love myself?" In allowing these guys to bring down your self-esteem, you're saying that you're only worth the way they treat you.

Our self-esteem is based on a lot of different things..our past, how we related to our parents, our family, how we are in our relationships.

If you want to have good self esteem, surround yourself with the people that want to be around you without weighing their other options...positive people, ones that are grateful for your relationship. The men you're talking to might not be that. Look at friends (male or female), family, the people in your church. Even if you aren't close with some people, if they are positive it will make you feel good about yourself to spend time with them. They can be a reminder of your own magnificence, and your own ability to be loved. And spend time with yourself doing things you love, and do loving things for yourself, because you deserve to be treated well.

A man that is just looking for the best one (out of a bunch of choices) is likely not going to help you with this one. They shouldn't have the power to determine if you're going to be happy or not.

Wishing you happiness and sending you hugs.

I, too suffer from self esteem issues, but they are related to how my STBX treated me. He has told me in the past that other women were more attractive than me. The women he has cheated on me with have been the exact opposite of the type of woman I am. This has played a crucial part in how I have viewed myself. I always question, what do they have that I do not. I know that I am an intelligent, attractive, grounded and strong woman, but I can't help but wonder when I am ready to date again, will other men view as my STBX did. Will I not be enough? I am learning to love and accept myself and it is hard because of the doubt I have had to endure for the last 6 years. Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you for who you are. Also, love yourself. You can control how you feel about yourself. Do not give someone else that power.

Vawmcole, it is great to hear that you are learning to love yourself. It's something everyone fights and especially when we've had conditioning by someone to doubt our worth. But think of this: He was with WOMEN. Not one woman that was the perfect one for him. He compares everyone to everyone else and tells them when they are not as good as the others. He'll be looking for a long time to find the one person that is better than everyone else. There is no such thing.

Be pleased that It's not your circus anymore, and also know that comparing you to others is his OWN character fault and has nothing to do with you.

you need to know that ppl who judge others purely on looks (or maybe in terms of financial/material assest) is ppl who are shallow. their lives only go so far as what they see and think.
Having known this, their view/attitude towards you should not effect you in any way. its something that you can easily brush off without much thoughts as you will see that their thoughts/words arises from immaturity.
true geniune authenticity of beauty comes from inside. everyone knows this and its a fact.
now days there are celebrities, models who have the perfect face and body is setting unrealistic/unhealthy (both physically & psychologically) standards on society and its effecting (mostly unconsciously) ppl's views on true beauty and sets the bar on what is normal (what to expect) and what it isnt.
face and body is something that will die away as ppl age. there is no escape in natural ageing process (cells detoriate, organ slowly shuts down, skin lose eleasticity) and i see many celebrities who go extreme length to look young (both man and woman), many plastic surgery everywhere (literally going against the nature) so much so that so "visually based" society now believes letting natural process to take place is something be to fearful, disgusted and abnormal.
Going against something (or looking for something that is not attainable) that cannot be stopped will only bring pain and suffering to one's life. need to aknowledge/accept the nature and its reality.
It seemes "true beauty" or "aging gracefully" is no longer valued (or has it ever been valued ?) in this unnatural, out of touch society.

I know one thing that I do is keep a jar of things that i like about myself. At first I wrote things down everyday and than once a week. The thing is we try to seek validation through other people but honestly we need to accept ourselves first so that anything else someone else does really won't effect us.

I want to lose weight and I wish I looked like a movie star but the fact is I know I bring happiness to people and thats something no one can take away. I am sure you are pretty and a nice person so you have to consider that.

Also I say consider the source. I had an ex tell me if i ever wanted to be with someone I would need to lose weight. Absolutely untrue! I have dated so many people since than and could probably date more if I wanted to, but i refuse to settle. I say consider the source because never let someone who has no real place in your life cause you to feel like you are less than.

Sometimes people are just upset with their own lives and want to ruin yours.

I hope you star a little jar to keep the positive things you like about yourself. It helped me alot.

believe it or not, I am finding things to do, that I never thought I could do it. I found myself last week taking apart a vacuum cleaner. In the past I yelled for my stbx to get over here...now, he is not here, and I found myself doing things, I thought I could never do.

The first week, I screamed every night, cried my eyes out, but still never invited ex to come back.

Well, actually he did come back during a very bad snow storm for a few nights until I told him he had to go. Still, even though we shared the same bed, there was no sex, not iniated by him...

Our end of the marriage was no vacations, no sex....If he came back, it would be the same crap all over again, and I am not even mentioning the tramp who he says he last saw 9 years ago...bullsht...

No arguing with that, he gets actually crazy if you say a negative thing about her. Personally, I will she was in a BOX if you know what I mean....

I am a victim of domestic abuse...Never saw that coming.

Fk police dept, they are just totally useless.

Self-esteem, I think, is called that because that's where it needs to come from: yourself. When you let other people's actions determine how much or little you esteem yourself that's where you run into problems and of course how you view your 'self'-esteem is going to plummet when they stop treating you well.

I think most of us here (and I include myself in that, oh boy do I!) need to work on re-focusing on that 'self' part. Be your own best friend. So many times we're so much harder on ourselves than we ever are on other people. Forgive yourself, you're human too. Focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself, what makes you proud of being you, what makes you uniquely you. Learn to love and value yourself because you're YOU, not because of what someone else, anyone else, thinks about you.

i like what everyone else has said in their responses. i have struggled w self esteem for as long as i can remember.from about age 8 onward. everyone gave some helpful insights and tips. i really like what dsb188 said about the jar, i have been wanting to try that and need to make myself do it too.

only2bestrong, i wanted to let you know, that in much of my dating life, prior to marrying my now stbxh, i felt a lot of the things you are expressing now. hindsight is 20/20, as they say. i realize now, maybe due in part to the self-realization that has come w my separation and impending divorce: people that keep you on the back burner do so because of THEIR own low self esteem. it isn't that you aren't good, interesting, funny, pretty, or "anything" enough. it is about THEM. they were too focused on their own shortcomings to be honest w you and/or the other girl, or maybe they were trying to make the other girl jealous, or maybe they cannot be alone and they have to talk to someone at all times. unfortunately, i am learning that i dated a lot of men like that, and my stbx is actually really like that even though i never saw that side of him until recently.he was looking for dates and casual sex within 1-2 days of our separation, but still trying to get me to take him back.

i know it hurts b/c it makes you feel like second best to be someone's second choice. but honestly, that's not really what is happening. unfortunately, people (guys and girls both) who are scared to be alone will strike up potential relationships with many people, so that they WILL have options. it doesn't reflect anything about you. b/c now as i look back, guys that i have been sad over that they didn't "pick" me, they are still going nowhere in their lives, they have either had a string of women since then, or they are cheating on the gf/wife, etc. none of the guys who ever treated me that way are happy now. and, if one of them were truly happy and in a genuinely nice relationship, i think i could feel happy for them knowing they found "the one" and she isn't me.

sorry this is so long. i just want you to know, i get the feelings, i really really do. but, DONT give these guys the power to make you feel bad. if they can get serious w someone so quickly after starting to chat w you, they probably have some personal issues that would drag you down in the long run. kind and caring people often get walked on more simply b/c we are too kind and caring to put up a fuss. spend time with people who are worth your time, and the right people will become drawn into your life. big big hugs to you!

I think one of the biggest things is to not compare yourself to anyone/anything else. That just beats you up. My therapist says that I am comparing their outside to my inside. We have no idea what is really going on with them. That is so true. We need to feel like I are good enough just the way we are. Our true friends think we are just fine.

If you are into reading, there are a lot of books on building self esteem. Also, this website helps. There is a lot of good advise here.

wow SadNLonely, i had never thought of it really that way:
"comparing their outside to my inside"
this about hits the nail on the head. thank you for sharing that!