you don't comprehend it, you don't get closure, it absolutely sucks major and there isn't an efffffffffffffig thing you can do about, they don't care about you, they can't understand because it is not in their cold calculating heart, love is not calculation and they calculate.

you can wonder, you can wonder where the strength comes from when you getting bounced twisted torn and tumbled and yet you hang in and keep from getting pulled to the bottom

you can wonder at how you still have something left for your family, how you still give

grieve a bit longer over the betrayal, then feel sorrow for the betrayer for they have betrayed their own soul, and how does anyone comprehend that?

refurb is right....you can't comprehend. Sometimes when people do things, they aren't thinking rationally. They aren't thinking how it's going to impact others. I'm not excusing or justifying their behavior, but sometimes that's the reality of it.
You'll make yourself crazy trying to figure it out but it's hard not to try. The thing is, we can't fully understand what's going on in someone else's mind.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting and having to go through this. Being brokenhearted and feeling betrayed is horrible.
As hard as it is, you will get through this, you just have to tough it out (that's the really hard part.)
Hugs to you!

I have been studying you-tube videos on narcissists/sociopaths, cheaters and reading books, attended 1 PTSD group for victims of narcissists and 1 time went to a co-dependent recovery group. Every morning when I wake up I still think of my ex. And throughout the day. Like a broken record. It's been over 2 years since discovery and over 1 year since the divorce. He kept sucking me back to him with falsehoods -- wanted to reconcile with me. Ultimately, when we saw each other over a few weeks again (in public thank GOD) he abandoned me, sold his place and moved an hour and a half away in with another woman that his AP and I discovered he'd been with as well as the 2 of us...I am slowly understanding the level of deceit he is capable of. It's classic, and it's sick.

i am sorry bianca. i know how you feel. and they are sick.

really?

I am struggling a bit with trying to comprehend as to how someone can give up on the best thing that had ever happened in their life, for petty excuses, cheap reasons and through out it, not thinking that our relationship was worth fighting for. I'm also having a hard time comprehending how someone for all intents and purpose would allow her parents to dictate on how our relationship should have gone. How can someone give into parent pressure, who was supposedly in love with me, how can some give their parents so much control. All the while as others and myself telling her that she was being a puppet on a string and being influenced by people 2000 miles a way. And I can't comprehend how ones parents can sleep at night knowing that for the better part of a year would feed to their daughter the money woes sad story, and in the end basically convince her that they can't make it without her SSI income, they'll fall without her. And when they knew that the money issue wasn't working all the way, for she didn't immediately cave in, they up the ante by tossing in the 11th hour that her Dad all of a sudden touched the family cross in their living room and her Dad gets an anointing message from God and God told him "your Daughter needs to come home, Aaron is bad news, she needs to get away", and she buys it. I can't comprehend how one could give up so much control over their life, all because Mommy and Daddy say so. I can't comprehend how one could give up being a free thinking person and resist so much good and sound advice, conning from friends and my family like, Your being to hasty, your not thinking this through, your giving up on the best thing to have ever come your way, you should think about what your doing for a while and then decide, why don't you sit down with Aaron and try to work this out, nope, nope and a little bit more nope! She never took the advice, so resistant, so unwilling. So my Mom gave up and broke down and bought her airline ticket home! I can't comprehend how in the final two weeks of her stay after the breakup, how she could just allow me to shoulder all the blame and guilt for the breakup, while purposely being silent to the fact of her parts in all of it. All well knowing that her parts were buying into the money and God story's, knowing that she had already made arrangements with her parents before the breakup, but would not share that point with anyone. I can't comprehend how one could leave me and fly back home to people she knew to have had a big hand in the demise of her relationship. I can't comprehend how one could allow herself to be influenced and go back home to dysfunctional parents. Her father, a known liar, an abuser of the State of Ohio's SSI systems, a manipulative person, an addict to morphine pills, a alcoholic and who gets into legal trouble with Columbus Police due to drunk driver issues. A Mother who's addicted to control, who has issues with steroid rage and chronically complains about everything. I just don't get it! I can't comprehend how one without much thought could apparently have little to no concern about the wake of emotional damage they were and have left behind! I just can't wrap my head around all that can't be comprehended!

aaron I guess we will never know

Aaron, the reasons people give us aren't always the actual reasons. Sometimes people don't understand themselves why they do the things they do. She might have controlling parents that damaged her psychologically as a child. Some people never outgrow that. A friend of mine married a guy she didn't love because she knew her mom expected her to. She was miserable her entire marriage. I always thought she was this strong, independent person. I would never have guessed her mom had that much control.
There are studies on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and the impact they have on a person's life. They are finding that ACEs impact a person's life as an adult so much more than anyone ever thought. It can be things like growing up in poverty, having an alcoholic parent, divorced parents, witnessing domestic abuse...anything that has a negative or traumatic impact on a child. When these traumatic experiences aren't healed, they do tremendous damage in someone's adult life.
Unfortunately, there's no way to understand their behavior which sucks for us. It's hard to accept but that's part of healing and moving on.
I don't know you, her or anything about your relationship but maybe they were seeing changes in her behavior that weren't positive after she met you. I know I had a relationship like that. I suspect that in the long run, you'll both be better off. It's so hard when we're going through the pain but most of us have been through something like this only to look back years later and think "Whew...really sidestepped a landmine there." Hopefully someday you will find a blessing has come from all of this pain and hurt.
Hugs to you!

I know my stbx has problems from childhood that make her think the way she does and it doesn't help me one bit trying to understand how she could treat me the way she did and cold heartedly end things after 20 years, not just me but our kids as well. I have come to grips that I simply will never know why or how, but I do know i will not be with someone who treats me that way and I will be better off without her.

it is so hard. in my situation, i am realizing that my stbxh had/has a lot of personal issues, going back to his childhood, that he kept well-hidden for a long time. he never dealt with his demons, only hid them from me, and then let them all come out once we were married and had a baby together. i'm no saint, but he has some major deep dark stuff that he refuses to face. just tries to stuff it down with alcoholism, narcissism, serial cheating, drug abuse, selfishness, laziness, etc.

it is hard to comprehend. i used to think, "how can he SAY he loves me, how can he show love sometimes, but then turn around and do such awful things?" i no longer try to understand, because i can't. there is no logical reason. he didnt want to be alone, but he didnt want to change badly enough to have a healthy relationship. i don't know if any of this applies in your situation, but i am finding it is the case with many: the other person lived behind a mask, their true self is not fully functional or fully healthy, not enough to love someone other than themselves..