the timeline shortens radically wen you start focusing on you and not so much about them ( what they are doing, what they are thinking, why they did what they did, will they change their mind...). Its a deliberate shift in thinking that takes persistence. Find support peers and work on self growth. Find distractions. Break the cycle when you begin to drown yourself in negative thoughts. see my journals for further info

I am wondering the exact same thing right now having been served with papers out of the blue this past Saturday. WHEN will I sleep, eat, function? I am also alone in a place with no support. My husband moved us near his parents in Idaho and I am the sole financial earner for the family. How do I get it together to be able to be present for my kids and work? Also, he has his parents to stay with. He has "equal" rights to our temporary apartment (we didn't intend to stay here---long story). Is it OK and normal to try to seek another place to stay? The idea of looking at him makes me burst into emotional breakdown. Under the same roof, not sure how/if I can handle. I know it's still early but how do I not completely lose myself in this process?

I’m with you . I’m stil in the same place as well. It’s so hard to see him okay and me crying .

Hi there! I read something in another post about the possibility the other person is putting on a facade to disguise their pain as well. Sad that it is I find that comforting and am doing my best to do the same. My ex has been gone for almost a month and I kick myself, this is the 3rd time he cheated and left. Last time he was gone 6 months and I was well on my way to getting over him and I was foolish enough to take him back. I think me moving on is actually what bothered him the most and he couldn't stand it. Regardless, back to your question, it's difficult to put a time on it...everyone is different, but what I've learned from all of this is to avoid stalking or checking on my ex at all costs. It is ABSOLUTELY key to your moving on. I blocked him completely on FB and "unfollowed" all of our mutual friends. I don't want to see any photos or posts involving him. If any of our "friends" have any questions I'll tell them, it's not healthy for me to keep tabs on his life. I actually have a piece of paper on the back of my closet door, every night I put a little mark on it, I made it through another day without reaching out or spying on him. I've used this method in the past...in the beginning I would count down the hours to when I could put another mark on the paper and then one day I just forgot to do it...that's when I knew I would be okay. Sorry for the lengthiness of this, I hope you find some comfort and a method that works for you, just don't give up, peace of mind is coming....!

I put myself into a MeetUp group right away. Made myself go out and be social, be with other people. Yes, I had breakdowns but I stuck with it .almost 2 years now and baby I've come a long ways and now have great friend and lots of things to go do!

I know how you feel. It’s been nearly 6 weeks and although I’m not crying all day everyday. I’m stuck! I can’t sleep without a sleeping tablet that only works for a few hours and my eating is not good Iv lost 22lb. Each day is getting a little better but everything I do I think of him or us. My therapist said it will take months x

Loving someone causes chemical changes in the brain. Personally, I have found it can take me up to 18 months to feel fully back to normal. I believe a lot of this is chemicals that we can't control.

You asked how long to feel "slightly" better. That I'm not sure, because I find it's constant ups and downs, never a steady progression. But there are articles and youtube videos, and also a book I think, called "Getting Past Your Breakup". According to the author, Susan J. Elliott, doing affirmations every day for 30 days is supposed to work. I could not stick to 30 straight days, wish I could! It would be nice to hear if it worked for somebody.

Unfortunately, the answer is that it takes a long time. And how long depends on the situation, but I guarantee it will be longer than you want it to be. I was able to function early on by having a few goals (kids, work) and narrowing my focus to just those things.

But, full recovery takes a lot of time and is not linear. You may feel a bit better day-by-day and then crash down, than bounce up... then hit a “dead zone”, .. and it keeps going.

At some point, you look up and realize you have had more good days than bad lately... and that is a great sign.

The main thing for recovery is “no contact”. There cannot be healing while you are still in contact. You need space. That is harder if you share kids. I do it by
- doing as much of the communication as possible digitally.
- communication is only directly about kid logistics. No editorializing. If he tries to start a conversation I shut it down.
- I ask no questions about his life, no question that does not pertain directly to the well being of the kids.
- if I do have to see him in person, I do not look him in the eyes. I kind of look thru him. Helping keep me disconnected.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone . This is all great advice. We do have a child so I do need to only make he conversation about the child. I’ve noticed lately he’s trying to be friendly with me , I think he is trying to be cordial as I have asked, but it’s made me realize I cannot he his friend . It hurts too much to just be friends. I didn’t think it would be that hard, but I just cant. It has to be just about our child and nothing else for me until
I move on. What affirmations were you referring too 11christmases?

You can look up the author on YouTube for more info, but basically she says you choose your own affirmations. Anything that resonates but the key is repetition and going NC with the ex, as much as possible, I know you can’t do 100% NC.

Sienna55, your post brings me to tears because I feel your pain. I was married for 20 years when my marriage ended. We raised 5 children together. I had to adjust to going from a full house to living completely alone. It was without question the worse time of my life. I felt like there was a death in the family, & there kind of was.



I don't know what your spiritual background is, but for me I discovered that until God was all I had, I wouldn't know he was all I needed. He's the only one that will never leave or abandon us. I found great comfort in the Psalms...read them everyday for a year. I cried & prayed, prayed & cried. God bottled all my tears, & he answered. Not in the way I would have liked at the time, but for my good he answered. The bible has a lot to say about vindication. I was able to release all my anger, disappointment, fear, loneliness, resentment, etc etc onto God. As I learned to forgive, I began to feel a huge burden being lifted. You've probably heard forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. It's so true! I learned a lot about myself & how I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. The only one we can change is ourselves. As I became a changed person, a calmer person, others around me became more respectful towards me including my ex & teenage kids.



As one person mentioned, I got involved in singles meetings, church groups, etc whenever I could. Being around people helped tremendously. Have you sought out any counseling for you & your child? It helped me very much.

Here's a book that you might find helpful. It's called, "Putting Your Past Behind You" by Erwin W. Lutzer.

I will be praying for you.

Thank you so much . I will definitely read the psalms . My son is still a baby , but I’m worried he will be affected soon. I work so much to pay bills I don’t have time to go to counseling . Sad but true. Thank you for your prayers. I do believe in vindication and I hope it happens . I was hurt so bad from this marriage . I wish I could put it behind me and forgive but I don’t know how to genuinely forgive . I guess I don’t get how he could be so evil to
Me , how can I forgive that is my question . ?? Anyway thank you for your thoughts

It depends on how much you consume yourself with it.

What I know about me, is for every month I consume myself with it...it will take another month to repair. So a year of consumption is another year added to repair. So gauge what your doing to yourself because of your situation. So zone in on it, and think about how many hours a day your awake and how many hours you consume yourself with it. It doubles the duration to me.

Also for me every bad impression I see I would need 12 good impressions to regain it back. Johnny29