made the biggest mistake .. got together with him again and few months down again we are back to square one.
he says commitments scare him, 5 years down the line

Closure is key IMO. It's key as far as you coming to terms with what happened, and being able to overcome it. You need to be able to get to a place where you can accept it, albeit, you may not like it.
I don't like my EX cheated at the end of our marriage, but I accept it's a part of our history now. It took a long time to get there, but I did.
Unresolved issues fester and eat away at your well-being. I'm sure you don't like he is back with his ex, but don't letthat stop you from moving on with your life. Instead of being sad he is gone, think about the good that comes with it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Usually, after a couple actually breaks up, then, if they get together after that, it usualy only will last up to 6 months. So, now. as I said some time ago: "Give him up and let him go! It is the best closure you can ever get." Hugs. Good luck.

Don't ya hate trying again just to find yourself back where you were, when you could have been further ahead if you'd just stayed away?

Yeah, I did that more than a few times.

I took some comfort though, in reminding myself, despite the wasted time, or putting off the inevitable, I gave it all the tries and hard work I could, so that when I finally DID walk away, I could do so without any "what if's".

Seems like there is stuff going on with him that he isn't sharing with you, even if you two were just friends and had been for that long you'd think he would talk to you and let you know what is going on. Very sad that he isn't even giving you any kind of an explanation. Makes it really hard on you that's for sure. You'll have to find a way to let it go, if you keep trying to contact him or wait for him to contact you, you are left in limbo instead of moving on and healing. My first ex we didn't have closure, our relationship ended violently and so there were no good byes or anything. I found out many years later that he had tried to contact me in different ways but other people were running intercepting things trying to protect me. After being together for 10 years it was very hard, I have often wondered about him too. I know it wasn't easy for him either because we still loved each other. But yes life does go on and eventually you make peace with things.

I think your final sentence says a lot. You know that this relationship is over. Whatever his problem is, he doesn't seem to be able to be direct about it and doesn't seem to want to provide you with the kind of closure you want in ending this relationship. But it seems to me that the sense of closure is important to you. I tend to like closure as well.

It seems unlikely that you'll have the kind of closure experience *with* him that you would like to have; a conversation leading to a conclusion and a sense of completion and finality. That's too bad as I am sure it makes it harder for you to process your feelings of grief and to move on.

Maybe you could create some sort of personal ritual to provide yourself with a sense of closure? Take an afternoon or evening and clear your personal space of reminders of your relationship. Gather up the pictures, little gifts, mementos, whatever, and put them in a box (either to save or to throw out, whichever you prefer). Write him a letter containing all the feelings you wish you could tell him face to face. Maybe play some of your special music or whatever feels right. Then take your letter and perhaps a photo or other memento, and do something ritualistic to act out the "closure". Tie it to a helium balloon and release it to the sky. Light a candle and burn it. Set it in the river and watch it float away. Bury it in the ground. Whatever feels right.

You don't, of course, have to do anything as ceremonial as this if it's not your thing. But sometimes rituals or ceremonies create a sense of having *done something* which reinforces the feeling of closure that you desire. Just a thought.

One day, I got really mad! My ex did not provide any closure at all! Walked out one day without forwarning and all that. So, what did I do? I can't tell you in a "public" area! However, it worked for me. Yes, it was like a ritual as she says above. Yet there is also another thing that I have ritualized that helped me to get through to the other side and it may help you.

Before I go to sleep every day, I go over the lessons I have learned, I go over the ones I have not yet learned. I forgive everyone in my life who has done me badly (this included my entire abusive family, my ex, my son and my daughter and, of course the ex). I come from a place of openness and love whenever I do this. Remember, you will always love your ex, no matter how much you may say that you don't! There is a part of you that will always be reserved for him: the things you did, said and felt together that were good and, in my case, I am thankful for those (Remember the old saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." It applies to our lives as well as relationships.) I also remind myself of the bad and I forgive those as well. The root of all of this is what you have learned from the "lesson" that this relationship has presented to you. If you do not learn the "lesson" from this relationship, you will carry it on to the next, so this is essential and is a great part of closure for you. After going through these things (it was long at first, believe me but is now about 5-10 minutes today), I then say "Consumatum est," which means "It is finished."

I hope that this will help you in your quest to give yourself closure as my ex as well as yours refused to give it. No goodbye kiss or final sex and such things that most people do in relationships at the end so that they know that, in spite of it all, they still "love" you. This is a rather romantic notion, don't you think? We will never get it from the ex, it has to come from within. Oh, by the way, you will come out of this stronger than ever and, yes, it can take up to a year or more to finally feel full closure. I had mine in 8 months and it has been good since then. Remember, I got "nothing" from my ex. No friendly emails; only court stuff. No kindness or good wishes and so on. Now that the divorce is complete, there is no communication at all. I am OK with things as they are now. It was hell those first 8 months though!

Hugs.

thank you so much everyone for the encouraging words.
We did have some text exchanges.

He is not back with his ex - he wants to be with me ( he will be faithful and has been I am sure ) He says he misses me. but not willing to give me any long term commitment (read marriage) at any time.

It is not that I am looking for it anytime soon but he seems to have a commitment phobia.

I am looking for strength to hold my ground and not melt this time. I have requested him to see a counselor.

Your responses will help me be grounded ... thanks again.

I have just recently been talking with first x. We cleared up a lot of things so I guess we had closure its been 20 years.

Closure is important, but it's something that you don't "get" from the other person. Closure is something that can only come from within YOURSELF. It doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen all at once, but with time, distance and NO CONTACT it is possible.

yep .. no contact has been tough
I no longer have this compulsive feeling to see him, hear his voice (guess been hurt too much too long - 2 years now)
but we end up texting now and then, sometimes he texts me at 2:00 am when he cannot sleep or I just get angry and say something nasty at times.
I love him still and he loves me too though not as much as I do but I guess for the sanity of both of us ... this is the right thing to do.

I do not know what to do ... he comes back and we try being friends but the feelings resurface again and again. though we do not talk about it.
for a few days we are good friends (do not meet much tho) but then he disappears.
He says he is having a tough time with his ex (mostly custody issues for his kids) he just misses his kids a lot and goes into a shell.
I still miss him a lot, more as a friend now .. but it is still very bad !

Lonely,

You originally posted this in January, 2010. It's now over two years since then, and he is still treating you like a yo-yo, having problems with the ex, etc. He is coming back, disappearing, and coming back again because it's allowed to happen. I say this with genuine care and concern, and not out of spite or nastiness: You are, at this point, letting him treat you badly. It's been a long time. He either doesnt know what he wants, or he's having his cake and eating it too.

I would put a stamp on this and move on. You are too precious to waste your time on someone who doesn't respect your feelings adequately. Sending you support...TTMI.

totally agree with you but it's not that we are in a relationship anymore. we were the best of friends for over 15 years , long before this relationship started and we decided to go back to that.
Just trying to be friends, occasional coffee (once in a month) phone call once a week or an occasional text. ... and we were staying in the boundary lines ...
what hurts me is I lost the relationship (which was a choice I made too) but more than that is the friendship (I have known him since I was a child) is gone too

Letting go of someone we felt connected is one part of our experience. Wanting an explanation is normal but it's not always what the other person is willing or capable of doing. Don't hang onto the why's.