so hard when you're still feeling unsure which path to take... unfortunately it's not completely up to you... once you decide if you're willing to commit to working on your relationship your partner has to be equally invested in the process... I hope you find clarity and strength for your road ahead... seek guidance... and take care of yourself.

thanks, i would like to work things out, but he is so lazy about everything, he will claim he wants to work it out, but lazy doesn't do anything, pretty much been told that i need to stop having any expectations, i really don't ask for a lot, we both work full-time during the day, i take on straightening up, taking care of the kids, cooking, homework, all i ask is for him to do the dishes and run 1 load thru the washer and dryer, i do all the folding and putting away, and if the dishes had been done i usually empty the dishwasher and put away and load what i can while i cook, but it is still a fight, and i have back issues so it isn't like i can just haul the laundry up and down the stairs.......we have gotten to where we fight less, and i think that is bc i am starting to stop caring, but lack of relationship is still there

I'm with clearskye.

I also want to say that it is not that he "cannot" help out with daily tasks. It's that he CHOOSES not to.

IMHO, in addition to the serious risk to you, he is giving you many other good reasons to be terrified about getting pregnant. I would feel the same way and I would also choose to be celibate. It sounds like the only brain he uses is his "little" one that appears to be driving all of his behavior.

Sometimes the worse sin is to stay married, especially when the other person is completely checked out.

Take good care of you and above all else, trust your inner knowing.

checked out is the perfect term for it, i know we grew up differently, i came from a family with both parents contributed, dishes were done every night, well us kids did all chores once we were old enough, my mom cooked dinner and that was it, and his mom did the cleaning when she had to, did dishes when everything was dirty, his mom just had a job, i have a career, i am going to be making some lists tonight try and get some things in perspective

Ann, I am currently reading the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, which deals with exactly that same topic. I feel the same way as you. I've asked myself that same question, am I commited to saving my marriage, or am I just scared of trying to go it alone? The first thing I think of when I consider leaving my husband is having to go back to a job that made me miserable. Shouldn't it be losing him? Shouldn't that be my number one concern? It's not. It's having to return to a job I hate. That can't be a good thing.

Anyway, so far the book has been very helpful, and it was VERY highly reviewed on Amazon (which is why I chose it from the millions of options). Also, when I was waiting at our marriage counselors office, I noticed one of the other counselors was reading it and spoke to her about it and she mentioned that several other counselors she respected had suggested and referred to it.

I hope this helps!!! Good luck!!!

thanks for the book tip......its been a rough day, living on the verge of leaving the last year. my husband doesn't have a set schedule so time to get home varies, he like to wait till the last minute to let me know when i need to get our son from the bus stop, but is a total ass hole to me for asking when he is getting off at the end of the day, i feel it is just consideration to communicate our schedule since his is not set like mine is, for purpose of the kids and dinner and what not. since he usually gets off and home way before me, sits on the couch napping or playing on his phone while our daughter naps until i get home, i prefer to stop home then have him run and get our son, our daughter is usually napping so i have about 15-20 minutes of quiet and to decompress before our son gets home then i am making dinner working on homework with him and trying to clean or straighten something up, then i have to kids to take care of and entertain until bed, then usually have to fight to get him to help get them ready for bed, but he is blind to how i am always with the kids when i am home, and asking for 15-20 minutes is very unreasonable of me......so this morning started with me cleaning the kitchen straightening up the living room and bathroom and my mom showing up she watches my daughter and gets my son off to school (she is paid to do so i don't take advantage of her), well my mom did something to her tooth and asked when my husband was getting home today, i told her that she would have to call and ask bc if i did i would get my head bit off, she sided with my husband as she always does. i snapped and made a comment how for once would be nice to get some support from my mother but she sides with him on everything, she has to bring my dad into it and how horrible he is bc he had an affair (now almost 30 yrs ago) they have been divorced for almost 15, both remarried, and how none of him or his family is nice or civil to her, which is not true, i did my usual spiel when she does this that what happened is between them and i am staying neutral, she continues on and i say i am tired of her wanting me to think horribly of my dad (that has pretty much always been there when i needed him) when all her dad did was cheat on grandma and dad had one affair, so because i said something she didn't want to hear she is now done babysitting at the end of the school year, rather than when my daughter gets into school which would have only been another year. which is fine for changing her mind just the fact she is doing it out of spite. come home today to be told that my mom and husband think i am stupid for wanting to move the kids and me 45 minutes away near my sister, where i grew up, and close to where i grew up not to mention much cheaper and safer area to live, and he is doing the usual wanting to fight me for custody during the week, yet he wants part of the kids schedule during the week

Sorry you are going thru this. By all means read books. They will halp you get perspective. But, nothing will change unless you both. Work on it together. And, you can't do it alone - you need an impartial professional. Have you tried to get him into marriage counselling? I tried half heartedly for years but never pushed.... not until it really started to deteriorate. Then the counseling was the beginning of the end.

Best case scenario - you find a way to move together and improve the relationship.

Worst case - it is the beginning of the end. But, at least then you know where you are.

I wish I had insisted waaaaay earlier.

Hi Ann,

I'm so sorry that you are having to struggle with this situation in your life! Here is an article written by Dr. Phil that might give you some more insight into making your decision about how to handle your situation. It sure helped me to have an "a-ha" moment when I was struggling with a decision to stay in or leave a relationship.

Here is the link to the article --

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/131


Wishing you the best!

LindaMarie

Here is a link to the piece, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay," which was mentioned to you in another reply --

http://www.e-reading.club/bookreader.php/142704/Kirshenbaum_-_Too_Good_to_Leave,_Too_Bad_to_Stay.html



Hope this helps!

LindaMarie

Many of us here wonder(ed) if we should stay and try to "save the marriage" or "work it out."

That only helps so that we can say we did everything possible before deciding to leave. But there's a caveat:

In order for our efforts to work, our spouse/SO MUST be ACTIVELY making the same effort.

Otherwise, it is a lost cause.

So, in your case, since he's not doing anything to change, the question becomes

How many more un-retrievable precious moments of YOUR life are you willing to spend trying to make it work/saving the marriage?

Being married for 23 years, I have certainly had many moments when I wondered if I was making a mistake in getting divorced and yes, I am terrified at the thought of being on my own mainly because I haven't been self-supporting in 23 years. I thought back on some of our good times and wondered if I should give reconciliation a try, even though he's been very abusive throughout our marriage and I know reconciliation would mean agreeing to everything he says. Fortunately for me, he travels a lot in his business, which is probably what has enabled this awful, loveless marriage to limp along for as long as it has. I looked at how my daughter and I feel when he's gone versus when he's home and it's a world of difference. When he's gone, I can even feel an energy shift in the house. We are so much happier and relaxed. I have never felt that good when he's been home, even in our best times. He has been a good provider, I'll give him that, but I've paid a steep price for everything he's ever given me.

Amen to what Samantha said. I convinced myself that all of the ex's "good qualities" outweighed his alcoholism and abusiveness. At the time I didn't recognize either issue and neither did all of the so-called expert therapists I dragged us to. It always ended up w/me thinking it was my imagination and all my fault. I spent decades trying to "fix" me.

I also didn't see the damage staying was doing to me and my now adult kids. Besides children learning what they live and growing up to live what they learn, there was a lot of internal damage and scaring happening.

Even if he isn't "directly" abusing the kids, they see and hear and KNOW way more that we realize. "Even" just witnessing abuse can affect various parts of the brain in negative ways.

I, too, paid a very high price for making the decision to give credence to his 'good qualities' and 'generous nature.' It definitely wasn't worth it.

Sorry you're experiencing this.

I joined this site like 3 years go under a different alias at the time... To answer your question of "how do you know it's over?" Well... for me, I just quit fighting. I died. I basically without emotion filed divorce paperwork upon my ex's persistent requests.

Basically you die emotionally, you hit bottom and you arrive in an empty space where you can't feel anything--that's when I filed.

Hi Ann
I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can echo what the others have said. My true colors is very very wise and helped me years ago.

In answer to your question... How do you know when it's really over..?

When you find yourself asking that question :((

If you feel and believe in your heart you tried and did your best .. And are still not being met half way... Then that's something strongly you should take into consideration.

You life is very precious... If you find yourself trying to recall good times, making excuses for him, justifying his behaviors... Those are all
Signs. People don't change.

Yes it's hard to be on your own with kids. I did it though.

Was with my now ex for almost half my life... 23 years we have 2 little girls 10 and 4 now. He was not a partner anymore. I was the financial support. I took care of our girls. And he was emotionally and verbally abusive, manipulating and controlling. I spent 2 years struggling, pushing for marriage counseling. I started counseling myself and am still going. Then moved forward and filed for divorce. He refused to leave our home and lived in the basement for another year and half while we were separated going thru the divorce. It was finally finalized last February 2015.

Things are tough some days. I'll be honest with you. But you find a way to make it work.

And the best part is my girls will now grow up watching how strong a woman can be. And how they shouldn't stay with a man who treats them without respect.

Sending hugs to you

MyTrueColors, your statements are accurate. I am in the same situation as Ann. I want to work it out, my spouse does not after 20 years of marriage. It took me years to realize that I was the only one trying to fix it.. it was a hard decision, but I chose to move out. It's been two months now and he still has no reaction to the separation. I can't fix something he does not want. It's very tough to bring yourself to comprehend it. I chose to pursue my happiness and healing.