Get an attorney, or at least a consult. Every state is different. A lot of states prefer to order joint custody, unless one parent is proven to be unfit. As in abuse, neglect, or environment unsuitable for a child. In my state, primary custody is hard to get if disputed.

Have him write down a patenting time schedule and sign it. That way you at least have proof you previously agreed to it. If you can't do that, keep a custody diary and log each time you pick up and drop off kids. You can later show it to a judge as a precedent to help judge order a schedule if you and ex cannot agree.

I don't know the whole story of how drill weekends work, so I'm guessing he is in National Guard? Or, he's out of the service and still doing a weekend a month?

I will go based on how it sounds. My X and I do not have an "unsaid" agreement...we have an agreement, through our divorce, that he gets our son X times, and I have him X times. (I have physical, primary custody which both of us knew was the best idea, so it wasn't a fight)

Now, the thing is, my X and I know both know that life doesn't revolve around custody agreements. Practices, birthday parties, family visiting from out of town...there are many "things" that pop up that can cause us to switch weekends.

This weekend we are in, for example, is my X's weekend. He has an old buddy from the Marines coming in...so he asked me last week if I could take our son yesterday and today, and he will take him Sunday and Monday, for labor day. I said, "No problem, sounds good.'

Conversely, all of our family lives out of state. Every summer, I take our son to NY for a month because I'm a teacher and have the month of July off. When we filled out our divorce paperwork, I asked the lawyer to include that "our son goes out of state regularly throughout the year, and that whichever parent is taking him (usually me) needs to give the other parent ample notice." This has NEVER been an issue.

My X and I have already worked out Xmas this year, and he knows my days off our set, as well as my son's, so he's fully aware that I am flying to NY in December.

What I read in your post is that your X seems to be unreasonable. On one hand, it's not up to YOU to always accomodate him. If you cannot "switch" a weekend, you can't switch...period, end of story. BUT...one day, YOU might need to switch. So, working on reasonable and positive working relationship with him is important.

If he wants to see his kids, and has been seeing them, then I think going for full custody isn't in the best interest of your kids. If he is an actively involved parent, then he should be in their lives. I know that's hard: I know it would be easierto not have to deal with him, but he is still their Dad.

I would revisit the unsaid agreement, and at least get basic, custody written in a document. Then, life ebbs and flows with the unsaid part...but you at least have a framework to go from.

There is a D.S. board here called Child Support and Child Custody. It is active and I think it's a good resource to check out. If you click on the link below, it will take you directly into it.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Child-Support-Custody/support-group

I agree with Trying...completely. Try to work things out civilly, when possible.

As far as custody, I'm sorry to say that most states always work on joint. Unless you can prove he's unfit, they're most likely not going to do a thing about it.

I'm sorry for your frustration :(

If you don't already have specifics on visitation, I'd work on that.

Hugs!

We do have a written custody agreement, but the Mediator also said if we can work out the exceptions, it would be best rather than going back to Mediation every time. But every time I need to work out time with the kids, I have to ask again and again. When he asks me, I give him an answer right away or as soon as I know. I even sent him an email last week asking for his next year's drill schedule, so for him to forget is just a lie. It made me realize now that he was just waiting to blindside me again with last minute changes to ruin my plans.

I agree too that it would only hurt the kids, but I plan to let them go with their dad anytime they want to. Anytime there is family gatherings etc. I just don't want to have another stupid conversation such as explaining "last minute".

As far as being unfit, he does love the kids. He may not do things the way I do them, but I want to believe he does them. He is in the National Guard and I know that he was not on a 3 week drill last month as he told me, he went on vacation. But he told me it was drill so he wouldn't feel obligated to return the favor if/when I need him to take the kids. Can I get a court order for the National Guard to notify me directly when his drill dates are as soon as they are announced? I'm thinking the military will say no to such a thing.

You're not likely to get full custody based on that. Child custody laws very greatly by state though, so you need to ask someone local. (My state of PA will only take custody completely away from someone for such things as never using a seat belt, not feeding the kid, or abuse.)

The one question I would ask an attorney is "What's the best thing to do if my ex starts swearing at me?"

What you could do, is offer him the weekend after the one he can't do....IF it worked for you.

Best of luck!
Patti

Just my opinion... But, just enjoy your time with the kids when he decides he's "busy" for the weekend. I'd look at it as an added bonus. If you already have plans, stick with them.

from what I've read, the large majority, get full custody because the other spouse willingly gives it up without going to court (approximately 85%). The rest, it's over endangerment/ neglect. Neglect and to a lesser extent endangerment, very hard to prove it, often takes police/ doctor/ school records. Emails/ texts/ photos, helpful, but not as concrete, as the former. But much of this will depend on where you live, and the judges. Most states and judges will grant joint custody almost no matter what...

I have been divorced for a few years. My ex travels for work and from the very beginning he has been completely unstable with his visits. Planning a 7-day visit and then canceling as little as 2 hours before he is to pick up the kids (heartbreaking for them). He also has a tendency to "schedule" a 7-day visit with anywhere from 24 hours to 3 hours notice. It is beyond ridiculous. In the beginning, this meant that I could not schedule a night out with friends or doctor's appointments even. I had tried, but had to cancel them all because he did not show up. I was so angry that he would do this to me and my children. I too wanted legal recourse, but unless you can prove he is a "danger" to the children, the courts will do nothing for you.

Then came a point that due to his fiance's jealousy, he did not see the kids for over 6 months. The effect on them was dramatic. This opened my eyes, They really are the only important thing in this battle and no matter how much of a horrible person their daddy is, they still need him. They need him more than I need a stable co-parent. Every kids needs their mom and their dad as long as they are not abusive.

So now, as unfair as it may seem, I operate completely on my own and am as flexible as a cat with visitation. I never plan anything counting on the kids being with their dad. Even if he is supposed to have them that week, I arrange tentative childcare for the things I need to do. I NEVER tell them he is coming for a visit until after he has gotten on the plane, no more broken expectations. I fill their lives with lots of friends and family and activities to fill some of the empty space he has left in their lives. When he comes up in conversation, as they talk about him often, I tell them all the good things about him and how much he loves and misses them.

Three years later, he still sees them far too infrequently and gives me little to no notice to get them ready and packed up for his week-long visits. But the thing is that I have found a way for him to no longer control any part of my life and can focus on my kids instead of the problems he creates.

One thing you may be able to do (I did this), depending on your state laws is... After the divorce, you will have a visitation schedule. Keep vigilant track of his visits for 6 months to a year. If he is missing many visitations, you can take him back to court to increase his child support payments based upon the amount of days he has them each year. I was lucky enough to live in California at the time and all you have to do there is file a complaint at Child Support Services, and they take it from there. They pretty much harassed him and was going to raise his payments drastically because he had only spent 18 days with them over the previous year, thus increasing my childcare expenses. It worked, he started visiting them more often. Turns out the fiance wanted that money more than she wanted him away from his "ex family"

The main thing to realize here is that he is not going to meet you half way and you may have to accommodate complete ridiculousness just so your kids can see their dad. This is life after divorce. You will adjust, probably gonna be difficult and painful for a while, but you will get through to the other side. On that side, his behaviour will not matter and will have no impact on your life. It is a place where you can be happy with yourself and your life and your kids can be happy and well adjusted too.

I appreciate all the advice and support. 5 years of this is too long and it seems like it will never end.

If you do not have a written parenting time schedule set up, where I live getting one is preferable to the flexible one (as it's considered in the best interest of the child-predictable routine).

However if you already have a documented parenting time schedule, and your ex is not abiding by it (frequently bailing), track it on a calendar. Verify it with email (or text), versus verbally. Then request to change it (in my state you have to go through mediation first, before court).

Visitation schedule changed, is much easier to change than custody. Parenting time and custody have very little do with each other. At least where I live.....20 some years ago, yes they did, but laws have changed a lot since then.

Legal custody has to do with joint child decisions (medical, school, religion, etc...). Physical custody, again where I live, means very little, just might give the custodial parent slight preference on where the child resides if that parent decide to moves.

Not that it really matters LOL, but thought I should clarify a couple things about physical custody (again this will depend on where you live, I have been round and round about this with my ex for the past 2-1/2 years).

If one parent has physical custody, yes, that parent will have the child at least 50% of the time. However it is possible for the non-custodial parent (the one who does not have physical custody) to have the children up to 50% of the time. It is also possible for both parents to have joint physical, and one of the parents to see the child(ren) infrequently, such as other every weekend.

Also, if one parent has physical custody, but both have joint legal, the custodial parent cannot change their child's school willy nilly, without the consent of the other. Or rather, the other parent (who has joint legal custody-school decisions), can take it to court, dispute it is not in the best interest of the child , and win. Leaving the custodial parent kind of stuck. Physical custody means very little these days (again where I live), but legal custody means a lot (in the way your child is cared, medical/ school/ religion).

The parenting schedule, also very important, in that if one of you refuses to give the child over (during your documented parenting time), the parent being refused, can call the police and have it enforced.

I guess it's just not going to happen and I will just have to keep dealing with his mind games. I'm flexible so it doesn't bother me until it interrupts the plans I make with the kids which are few and far between.

Honestly, not to seem harsh, but it sounds like you wish for sole custody for the sake of punishing him- because youre angry with his actions, you want to take his time away and have the control.

The way my Ex H went about it with his sons mother was if he agreed to let her take him during time that was technically his, he accepted that he was basically -giving- that time up. He didnt HAVE to make that choice, and he made it with no expecations of getting it back.
In the end, its about whats in the best interests of the child - its never about punishment, and its unlikely your ex is changing plans just for the sheer purpose of wrecking your day. If you honestly feel otherwise, ask yourself if his request is TRULY whats best for your children. If its not, dont give up your time.

Also, like someone else suggested, if he needs to switch, suggest doing so for the weekend after he goes away, instead of the weekend before. More time to prepare and doesnt interrupt your childrens routines so suddenly.

That's a fantastic idea. You're not going to change his behavior. So you just need to learn to work around it. This also gives you the time you had already planned, and lets you plan for the next time he has them. Everyone wins, especially the kids.