Hi Pam. I can remember asking myself the same exact question. Here are a few things that I learned. First, once I filed the reality of the situation took hold. That provide me with a "reality check" that this was going to happen. Secondly, limit the amount of communication. If you have kids keep it about them. If not, keep it businees-like. This is hard, but be strong. The third thing was getting through the divorce process with the finality of it all. This begins the process of closure. This takes some time because all the financial elements need to be rectified and changed. In my case, it was after I paid the balance of the joint credit card off and closed the account. It was a huge relief. This was the last connection.

Another huge step was looking at the whole situation and pulling the positive from it. What I mean is? Throughout the process, you will learn so much about yourself. Right now, you won't see it. You will discover yourself, rediscover old parts of yourself, and begin to move forward. It takes time. A huge step is to let go of your anger and despair. I wish I could say that I had a magic formula or pill. It gets easier with time. It took me almost a year. You wil get there. Be patient with yourself. It does get better.

You don't need to forgive to forget and move on. If that were the case Id still be a puddle of mush. I didnt do anything to end my relationship he cheated, he lied, he hurt me. I cant forgive that but I have forgotten him. The EX doesnt ever cross my mind anymore. I deserve better so do you!

Thank you for your advice... the funny thing is I have gotten to know myself so much better & actually like who I am for the first time in my life. I went for counselling & dealt with alot of things.
I am waiting for papers to be served now so that we can get everything over with.
I have so much positive as a result of his leaving... a closer relationship with my daughter & going back to school after years of being burnt out in a job I no longer liked.
I just can't let go... I know part of it is because I know he had an affair but he has lied the entire time & denied everything... & continues to do so. I didn't see it before he left but so many things made perfect sense after the fact. He thinks he spared me pain or something by lying but in reality, he hurt me even worse. I just cant stop trying to piece everything together even a year later. & my best thoughts are of him being hurt just as he hurt me... I dont want to think about him anymore, I want to enjoy all the good in my life but he's the black cloud overhead.

I think when it no longer matters to us what they did will we move on and forgive.

I am hoping to forget in my case.

I hope yo do find this answer to help you move forward.

Good luck,

~Idio

unfortunately there is no time table, or expiration date on anger, resentment, betrayal etc.. it just takes time.. Not sure if you have children with him or not, but may want to try no contact.. if you have kids, keep the conversations strictly limited to child related... its hard.. trust me I know.. but it helps..

one day you will just wake up and he will not be the first thought in your head.. one day you will get sick and tired of being sick and tired..

i fall asleep with the tv on at night.. (cant break that habit yet and cant sleep without it) .. when I woke up this morning, there was this evangelist on tv.. normally I would just change the channel, but he was talking about his fathers divorce from his first wife.. and he said, ok so his dream ended, instead of mourning the lost dream he found another one.. and he suggested not only living, but living well and rising above it all..

you will let it go.. when you're ready to.. hang in there it will work out!

The more you try to figure out why he cheated or did what he did, the more frustrated you are going to be. When it comes to infidelity, there is no logic, no reason. Only excuses.

Trying to understand why someone cheated is like trying to understand why dogs eat their own vomit; it has more to do with base instincts than it does a logical thought process that can be understood by someone else.

As far as forgiving someone, you can choose not to forgive them and the bitterness and resentment will eat you from the inside out.

Forgiveness doesn't mean "it's okay". Forgiveness does not mean you have to forget.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to compromise who you are.

I like to think of it as something you do for yourself. In a way, you are mentally and emotionally wiping the slate clean. Again, this is not to absolve them, it's so you don't implode or explode from carrying all of that extra crap around.

But how do I do that? Forgive, I mean,....because it is eating away at me... I dont want to forgive for his benefit but for mine... :(

It -is- something you do you yourself.

And it's not a lightswitch, it's a process.

In my experience, there are several parts to it.

1) Time and distance away from the event. The less you remember, the easier it is to let go. This will happen over time on its own.

2) Instead of harboring resentment, you choose to let go. Not in defeat, not because of anything else other than the fact that if you don't, you will slowly kill yourself in very tiny increments.

3) When you find yourself thinking about the cheating or anything else like that, write it down. Write down the details. Write down how you felt, how you feel. Pour everything out.

So the next time your brain decides to take a trip down painful memory lane, you can tell yourself, "I've already said that. I don't need to say it and go through it again." You have to train yourself to let go.

It's one of the hardest things to learn. It's hard to let go of those survival mechanisms that kicked in because they do a good job, it's just hard to get them to let go sometimes and go back to their kennels.

Pasta. That is great advice. It is such a process. I know that writing down did wonders to propel me through the process. It doesn't hurt, anger or bring me down to talk about it. It made me who I am today. I had to deal with. Some people will say that you forget it. You don't just forget infidelity. You learn to forgive yourself. You come to terms with it. You grow from it. You learn from it. I think the biggest thing is that you begin to live again. that feels great.

time for the let it go thingie

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live today.

Isn't it so different when you aren't giving the advice but having to take it? If you were a counselor, you know the process... easier said than done. Breathe, and try try again.

pam, I loved my ex husband too. I still have love for him and under the surface there are some hard feelings between us. It's not healthy to stay mad and I have chosen to just go on with my life. There is nothing that says you have to forgive him..not if you chose to just go on with your own life. You may never forgive but it shouldn't hender you. Wish him well and move on.

I cannot & will not wish him well so long as he is still with the one he left me for... after that, maybe.

Who says you have to forgive? But you do need to 'let him go' because it isn't healthy for you at all. There is no benefit to you emotionally to instigate fights or delve into the dirty details.

Pam I too have a hard time. It has so much to do with the other woman. I find that letting go is hard. But their perspective of events will never be the same as ours. I will send you a post from the other day. It was really helpful. You are not alone.