It would be much easier if you didn't see him. You're acting like your still married. That is not helping you move on and heal.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Him refusing to leave the house sounds a lot like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

IMHO, he is putting you thru hell and setting a horrible example for your kids.

Is there anything in the proposed settlement that says he gets to stay until the divorce is final? If not, you might want to consider talking to your attorney about getting him out now ?

~healing hugs~

Thank you....we are so close to the end, it would probably take at least 30 days I am sure to get a temporary order for possession of the home, I think someone may have put it in his head possession is 9/10 of the law, I don't think that stands anymore

And maybe since he is still making the mortgage payment, could be another thing in his head

I don't think we are still married (legally I guess we are) but I cannot even begin to move on at all with him still here (guess my hands are kinda tied there) and now the suspicion of someone else, married or not when you still love someone I am sure it hurts the same...this is not a mutual thing, he wanted it I do not, hard to let go of 18 years (longer really,like from the age of 14!)

Moving into another room is not proof of guilt. Not being in the house when you are awake is also not proof of guilt either. Did you catch him cheating in the past? What brought you to this point?

No he has NEVER cheated, but also, he is not the same person he used to be, everything that was most important to him is not anymore

A couple of things made me wonder, but I found it odd when I made the statement "If there is someone else by now, if I was that someone else and you were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, I don't think so", and two days later he was upstairs

I would love to think that you are right, I thought maybe he was trying to distance himself from us since he will be gone soon, and if that is the case, way bad timing on his part, who could not think it

I think you are better off with him at the very least in another room and bed. If there is an OW then remember that is out of your control. There is nothing you can do about that. My husband has an OW and although he moved out he still tried to hide it from me for the longest time. Trust your instincts. You are probably right. But pushing him probably won't help your situation. Focus on getting through this mess and him out of your house. Then focus on you and kids if you have them. I have spent too much time obsessing about the OW and it was an enormous waste of time and energy because everything about her and my husband was out of my control.

SEB, I can see how painfully hard this is for you. When someone we love changes and we don't understand they whys and wherefores, that makes it even more difficult.

Some say that divorce is like someone dying except they're still around town to remind us of what we lost.

In your case, it's like living with a corpse or a dead man walking. Knowing he's in the house, even if he's sleeping in another room and you aren't seeing him very much, is harder than people can imagine. And it doesn't help the grieving process. It puts you into a grief purgatory/hell.

I know everyone says its just a short time, but for you it can seem like forever. Please consider at least a few sessions ASAP with a therapist who specializes in grief. Having that in person support from a trained specialist can be very helpful.

And do whatever you can to take good care of yourself. Practice extreme self care. The Art of Extreme Self-Care is a great book by Cheryl Richardson. It's a quick and easy read.

I know its hard to know your kids see you upset, but being upset under the circumstances if normal and appropriate. Please don't deny yourself feeling and honoring your feelings!!! If you don't want them to see you, go in your room and close the door or take the car and go to an empty parking lot or the park. Don't stuff your feelings. It might also help to talk w/your kids and tell them that you don't like knowing they see you upset, but you are hurting and need to be able to feel & honor your feelings. It would also help them if you told them its ok for them to have and express whatever feelings they have in a healthy way as well.

~healing hugs~

My heart just breaks for you! I know that feeling of shock and disbelief all too well. Whether what you're perceiving is true or not, you are working through the process. MyTrueColors gave good advice - take care of yourself. I also recommend staying busy and practicing mindfulness when it seems like you're obsessing.

About the kiddos - of course you're going to be upset and they are going to see it. That is ok. What I think is damaging is trying to hide/deny feelings and not let them see that you can work through it. I mean, we don't want to teach our children that feelings are bad things to have. You can show them healthy ways to work through them, and you can reassure them that Mom is sad or angry or whatever, but she is going to work through it and be ok.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

I'm sorry you are having to endure this and I know how painful it is. When my Ex told me she was in love with another man, we were still living together and sharing a bed. It was hell. I made the decision to move out even though the divorce was a couple of months away. I won't say it was easy, because that isn't true, but it was easier. Separating bedrooms is a start, but I hope he does move out so you can begin to heal. It is impossible to heal while still living together.

As others have said, please try to focus on taking care of yourself, and your children. It is okay that they know you are upset, as the reality of the situation is upsetting. Better they see you as a real loving, feeling mother than as someone with no feelings.

SEB, how has he changed? What do you not see anymore?

I meant I do not see him much physically, he stays away until he knows I am in bed, or will stay out all night

He used to have so much respect, and morals, responsibilties,, little things, some bigger things, was anal about his yard, spent the 12 years we have been here finishing the basement which was HUGE for him and took so much pride in...Mans Land, and maybe some of that is he knows he will be going soon, I don't know.

He never missed the boys' sporting events, now only attends if they are local. but none are ever more than an hour away, it does not matter if the boys are soon to be 16, they still need him, I think now more than ever, and they used to be the most important thing to him as they should be