I am sorry you are dealing with this but, remember, your boys will always be your boys. I don't know their ages but, as they grow older, they will mature and understand why you did what you did. As far as money and "things" go, they only last for a short period. Have you ever heard the old clisque "money cannot buy happiness". Money and possessions are fleeting things compared to other things in life. As you said, you honored your husband for 21 years. You did what was right, he didn't. 21 yrs. is a long time to share with someone then, have it all end. I understand that. Lift up your head and follow your heart. Things will get better as time goes along. Sometimes, it takes longer to see the big picture and to understand what the future holds. Trust the Lord to lead you and rely on His faithfulness to never leave us or forsake us.

I went through that with my daughter. If you have said anything bad about their father it will hurt your sons. They need time to sort their lives into some kind of normal. They are the ones that have to do the hard work to move forward with their lives.

My daughter was daddy's little girl. When I filed for divorce I tried real hard not to say anything(good or bad) about her dad.
I gave her space. I saw her only once a year at Thanksgiving at one of the local restaurants. She wouldn't return phone calls. So my calls got few and far between. I had given up when one night three years later she called. She is firmly back in my life with two little ones. Her dad dropped her from his life and hasn't seen his grandson.
I'm not saying it will take that long. Don't mention their dad and think before you speak. You probably do think before you say anything. Just give them their own space and time to work thru the mess of the divorce. Your ex's bi polar doesn't help your sons either
I hope you have a therapist for yourself. I still see my therapist but the ex is never mentioned now. I live in the boonies on a farm and my therapist now gives me suggestions for farm problems.

Your boys will be okay and stay in your life

Thank you

I keep being told that kids figure it out when they get older and to just always be there for them, love them, support them. Having things bought for them all the time isn't what they will remember when they are older, they will remember who was there when they needed love and support. I can't buy my kids all the things their father and his new gf can, and I find it hard when they come home telling me or showing me the new sneakers, pants, bunkbeds, that they went out to eat lobster and steak, etc. I feel a bit like I might lose them to all those things, but I keep remembering that while he buys them all those things and takes them to expensive restaurants they still call me and want me when they are over there. I am still the one our daughter confides in and our son wants when he is tired or hurt. You kids will eventually figure it out for themselves but this is another part of all of this that takes time, and it seems everything takes time and that is all I hear right now. But I hope it is true for you and me.

It's horrible that this is what so many of us have to deal with. It's so unfair, and hurtful. It was never supposed to end like this. I feel so bad for my boys.

Thanks for your response

Okay firstly you need to be honest: you don't feel bad for your boys, you feel bad for you. And that's totally understandable.

So many of us have been in the spot you're in now. And the only way to survive is to carry on being you, ignore the hubby, let him and his wife be who they are. Never mention them. Just do your thing with the boys.

If you don't hear from the son, go visit him. Go see him, take him out.

While you are convinced this is all about the ex husband, you can overlook the real problems your kids face in their lives. Take an interest in their lives, what's going on for them, talk to them, enjoy their company.

And let dad do whatever he likes.

Forge your own relationship with them and it won't matter what anyone says.

Honestly, I feel bad for my boys, not me. This is their dad FOREVER. I have no dealings with him. Instead of them being nurtured by both of us, their being nurtured by only me. When I planned each pregnancy, it was with love, and a positive goal in mind. Now the goal is distorted because the other parent doesn't put much effort into maintaining a loving, supporting relationship with with his kids.
Its sad, very sad that a divorce can cause ones feelings to change about their own kids.
God be with us

As far as your boys not wanting to talk to you about how they're feeling, don't give up. My 17 year old went to a counselor a few times, said things were going well and he was opening up to her. I was so relieved. Weeks later, he had a mini-breakdown at the kitchen table with me when I found some of his vaping supplies and confronted him about his use. He confessed that he hadn't really opened up to the counselor about his fears and feelings in life. That he felt stressed and was looking for ways to relax. He cried alot and told me how he had been feeling about his life in general, how he felt he was always the only one in his group of friends who didn't have tons of money for things like ski trips to CO and cool Caribbean vacations. We do live in a relatively wealthy town, and as a married couple we were definitely lower on the financial totem pole than most. I didn't know it bothered him. Now that I'm divorced, his dad is unemployed, and his brother lost his scholarship, money is tighter than ever. He was also worried about affording college. I reassure him all of the time that his college education will happen, one way or another, and that there are many avenues to financing college. On the surface, he knows money doesn't buy happiness, and some of the issues he is going through are just normal things teens have to figure out. I thought he was feeling bad that his dad didn't do much with him, that dad preferred to share sports activities with his older brother. That wasn't an issue - I think my son resolved these concerns years ago. My older one, 19, lives with dad and grandma this semester, since he lost his scholarship and lost his opportunity to live on campus this fall. He never calls. I was jealous at first, that he was living with his dad. It used to bother me, but I see now that he's a texter. He'll text, he's not one to say alot, but we do have 'conversations' - but he doesn't like the phone. If I didn't text for him to come home and visit, he probably would only come over for holidays. When I do ask, he gladly comes. My point is - never give up on the kids. They each have their own ways of communicating. Be non-judgmental, say nothing about dad and his wealthy wife. Just be glad for their happiness, and be available for them when they need emotional support. Encourage them to open up to you. It may be months or years later when they finally are able to open up.

Also, I suggest trying to forget about "fairness", and comparing your life to what you perceive as your ex's happily ever after. If he's still non-medicated bi-polar, his life will eventually come crashing down. Difference is - this time you won't be the one it comes crashing down on. Stay strong.

Thank you, I needed those words of encouragement. My boys are the air I breathe. I guess with time we will heal, and be able to figure out how to move forward.

marriage is for better or worse, provided two people are all, a cheater that chooses to not take bi-polar meds, is hardly in and only gives worse

keep doing your best to do the right
don't trash talk your ex to your
but
do not be untruthful, if conversation leads to stating objectively how that man behaved be honest

I'm sorry about what you're going through.
The important thing is not to say anything negative about their Dad. Speak the truth of course, but only when necessary.. Trust me, they know how he is and will see his true nature, but don't add to it.

Continue praying for and reaching out to them. They may not respond but they do value and appreciate it.

I'm glad that you're wondering what God is trying to teach you. This is so wonderfully positive because it shows that you are aware of His presence even during these difficult times. I can assure you that at the end, you will receive Joy unspeakable and you will be victorious. He promises us that ALL things work for good for they that TRUST the LORD and are THE CALLED according to His purpose.

God Bless.

what he tells his wife and your boys doesn't matter- truth will reign.
I also had a divorce after 20 years of marriage and know it is a devastating thing to go through for many people- including the kids. he has moved forward and remarried- maybe now you should as well. If there is any unforgiveness- whether he deserves it or not, you need to deal with that first and forgive- the forgiveness isn't for him but for yourself. If there is a divorcecare or celebrate recovery in your area get connected with others. your boys will always be your sons but as they grow up the truth will be known and it isn't an easy thing to embrace but depending on their ages you can't force them to talk about their feelings- they may not even know what they are yet but in my experience the divorce is no different than a death as far as grieving goes. praying for you and would love to talk more if you'd like.