For the first time in so long, Her and I spent time around each other with our daughters. We took them to dinner on Christmas Eve and she came over on Christmas Day and had lunch with the girls and I, along with my sister and her husband. It was relatively last-minute orchestrated. I was reflecting my time spent alone over the Thanksgiving holiday and didn’t want her to feel that emptiness that I had. So, I extended the invite and she accepted. The visit went well. I prepared myself for seeing her. Analyzed potential conversations and imagined countless scenarios. Aside from her occasional physically noticeable uncomfortableness she seemed equally content. I felt it was going to play out cordially, as expected. What I didn’t expect...after almost a year of her absence in this house...One we both shared together and the very home she brought another man into...was realizing the extent to which I had missed the echo of her laugh in this house. I was surprised at how comfortable it felt to see her turn the corner into a room. I once ached for it. Yearning to open my eyes in this lonely bed at night and see her making her way down the hallway. Seeing her sitting with our girls and playing made this house feel like a home again. It’s been a rough year. Learning to let go isn’t a skill I’ve mastered. I would confidently say I’m pretty terrible at it. I equally hold onto the good and the bad. They both seem so important to me. The good, giving me joy and the bad reminding me of the lessons. I’ve learned to take it easier on myself. I’ve learned that no matter how much I invest in someone or care for them, will it change their own willingness to reciprocate. It’s a hard journey, loving someone to no end and have them turn their back on you. The affair was brutal but I found a way to continue my love and renew my dedication. The rejection from her declaring she no longer loved me after so long of rebuilding felt like the ultimate betrayal. No matter, it was over. It will always be. The hardest lesson I learned was that I had given up a long time ago. The affair was is. I was just too scared to face it, to be alone. I was and am, terrified of living the rest of my days without ever feeling that way again. I’ve tried dating during this last year. Several failed attempts at trying to define what it is I want, deserve and need. They’re not always the same. I’ve found some good friends. I’ve got a a clearer picture of what I do and don’t want. I’m currently at a place where I desire a connection. I really want to find someone to share my life with. I’m just so apprehensive. I’m worried that I’ll carry so much with me into something new. I’m scared all compare them to her. I’m afraid they’ll never meet my expectations, I’m afraid they’ll soar beyond them I not be prepared for something that great. My brokenness keeping me from experiencing a love much greater than I currently know of. It’s so damn difficult for me to give up on that forever plan I had. Anyway, that’s enough venting for me. I hope the end of this year treats you with joy. I hope the new year presents itself with the happiness we all deserve. Try to love yourself more. Love each other. 

Goodnight.