Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Nov 2014: Husband moves out suddenly, moves 1000 miles away
Sep 2015: Officially divorced
Nov 2016: Discovered affair of ex w/married woman that began summer 2014 still ongoing to this day
Nov 2016: Gave proof of affair to husband of married woman
Because I felt sorry for my ex during the divorce because he “wasn’t happy”, I was agreeable to most everything that we decided on. I didn’t contest the divorce, I allowed him to stay in the house when he came back to visit, I didn’t question his logic about moving to a town that was still 4 hours away even though he said he was moving to be closer to our son who lived with me. (I later found out that he moved to the town where his girlfriend lived).
In November, I struggled with the idea of letting the woman’s husband about the affair. I went back to the pros and cons and ultimately, I decided he should be aware of the truth before making any major life decisions. A truth that I was robbed of. I forwarded information and proof about the affair.
I guess the husband finally confronted his wife because last night I got a text from my ex at 2 am saying call me when you can. Having no idea why he was texting me because it had been a few weeks since I had passed on the information and I figured it was dealt with.
I called him and boy, of boy, was he livid. How dare I? How could I do this? He started threatening not to move here in June for my son as promised (pretty pathetic, I know). And I asked him calmly, do you think the husband had a right to know? He didn’t answer at first, and then said yes. But he is so angry about the way I went about it (I sent the email he sent me confessing to the affair). He said I should have told him I was doing that. I shouldn’t have lied. That line was precious, coming from a man who lied to me and his children and his brother and sister for 2 ½ years. I told him I didn’t lie and that my contact with the husband and nothing to do with him. I asked how I lied to him. His logic was non-existent. My ex claimed it was revenge for what he did to me. The narcissist in him coming out full force thinking everything I do is about him. He couldn’t fathom that I was trying to protect another person from going through a divorce based on lies.
He said he is telling our kids (all over 18 years old) today, about what I did and I said fine. I have no problem saying that I let the husband of a cheater and liar know the truth.
To be continued….
If your ex and this women are still in relationships it means they both are in love. This is very immoral to cheat in general. However, there are lots of exceptions out of this general rule.
For example, what if this women's husband does not treat her well, what if he is abusive, what if hi simply does not love her at all, what if has sexual dysfunction? Divorce is not always possible right away for numerous of reasons. It is very costly, painful, lengthy and very emotionally painful process. May be this women just does not want to hurt him by confessing, may be she is afraid of him, may be she is just in a the process of making a decision.
Before forwarding this man an information, you'd better know at least something about him.
As you are already divorced, what is happening in between your ex and this women is not your business at all...even if you discovered he was cheating on you.
To me it looks like a revenge, not more than that. What did you achieve? I am pretty sure, the man is heartbroken...the same way you were heartbroken. Then, even if he knows it does not mean he will do make any major decisions. In many cases, people forgive each other for cheating. Depends on circumstances. Life is not white and black, it is a system of compromises.
there is a difference between sleeping with everyone available and having an affair with a person you love.
In many cases people cheat for a REASON and have relationships outside of the marriage log because it helps them to survive, to feel loved and alive.
I do not understand why cheaters are blamed all the time. What about other side?
If a man treats a good women poorly in all aspects of the relationships, would you blame a women for cheating?
If a decent and good looking man has a wife who does not appreciates him, does not support, does not understand and in addition she is out of shape, not pretty, and does not care of her look...would you blame man for cheating?
Sickness and health, til death do us part. Vows mean crap to people now a days.
If the spouse is out of shape, let themself go, I can't believe you wrote that., OMG! Seriously, how incredibly superficial.
If I had to speculate, I believe Biatta may be a cheater trying to rationalize his/her actions.
Ripped...you nailed it-get out of the marriage first before getting involved in another relationship and marriage is work. Cheaters take the low easy road.
Biatta- tell me how starting a new relationship while still in one is a good idea emotionally. You obviously miss the point that the allure of an affair is the secrecy and excitement, the adrenaline rush of doing something forbidden. You think that's love? You are a fool. You are confusing lust with love. Lust is easy and always present during an affair...no reality to deal with.
I do understand the perspective that some people have on not reporting the affair because it's not their job/responsibility to police everyone else. It's a fine line between letting someone know what is going on and being a busybody. Cleigh I think in your case you did the right thing, you were already involved as it lead to your divorce, and you had clear evidence and not speculation.
I am not surprised that your ex wants to blame you for the problems this causes. while he is correct that you caused the exposure, he is the one who is responsible for the affair. I'm sure a lot of the anger is that it puts a wrench in his current situation. He was probably happy with where things were, some action on the side, but no responsibilities of being married. (and the gf wasn't pressuring him to get married either from the sounds of it. ) Now, all of a sudden decisions are going to be made and issues forced that are going to make everyone uncomfortable. Maybe she leaves him and goes back to the marriage. Maybe she gets divorced and she wants to move in with him... or doesn't want him to move back to where you son is. People don't like change much especially when its forced on them, and that is what is happening to him now. I'm sure there are a lot of difficult conversations going on over there.
When I was first divorced, a friend told me that the opposite of passion is not hate. it's disinterest or apathy. I would know that I was over it, not when I was mad vs sad, but when I didn't care. Cleigh, it sounds like you are getting closer to that.