Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Well I posted just over 3 weeks ago in the Healthy Relationships category about the status of my relationship and got a lot of good feedback and most of you were right that he was done with the relationship.
I never approached him despite wanting to for fear of the inevitable. Each week went by and things just got more "friend zone" and after it came out in a text that I was feeling anxious and confused and that I felt I did something wrong. I guess that lit a fire under his butt and he said we needed to talk but not over text plus it was super late already. 2 days later he came over and ended it. He said his feelings had changed towards me and that's why he didn't do anything intimate with me the week before. It's weird anyway cuz he slept with me 2 weeks before the break up and in the weeks where "his feelings changed." I know that guys can disassociate their feelings from sex so I can see that and it explains why it lacked the usual emotion. He doesn't know why they changed, just that they did and had a few weeks ago. I think it was about 4 weeks and he did need some time and space as he was trying to think why they had changed. The last week before it happened he was thinking a lot about it and knew it was time. When I asked if he wished his feelings hadn't changed he said he didn't know. That hurt but at the same time he doesn't know why his feelings changed to begin with so its a little hard to wish otherwise. I asked why it took so long to say something and he said he was trying to figure out a reason why for me but also that he should have done it a week ago when he was sure....I told him I knew something was up for awhile but never communicated that to him and I should have. He asked why I didn't and I said because I was afraid of this happening and that I felt he would come forward as he always expressed the importance of open communication. So we both avoided the situation but he couldn't string me along anymore.
It's not another girl and it's nothing I did wrong. He doesn't regret meeting me or anything about our 5.5 months together. He felt we had something special in the beginning. That we did have some fun times....he hesitated a little when I asked him this stuff but it was also a hard situation we were in. He told me I'm not a bad person and that I'm generous, thoughtful, caring and kind and compassionate and a good listener. All qualities he wants in a partner. He's like you're not a bitch and I've dated a lot of bitches. I told him stuff I liked about him too and he said he wants to be friends but that ball was in my court and he'd understand if I didn't want to or I needed time or space. I said I wanted to be friends and play games, hang out with his friend, go for walks, movies....all the things we had fun doing and he said he wanted that too. He sat with me 3 hours while it was a lot of silence and me crying off and on but he said he wanted too and cared about my feelings and being sensitive. He gave me a hug when he left and I ended up texting him an hour later. Just saying how I hope he meant what he said about being friends as I wanted that very much and how I appreciated the way he handled the break up and staying that long with me. He was sweet and texted me back saying all the right things and he meant everything nice he said and for sure wants to be friends. I texted him the next day as well asking him if he would still be willing to help me move my tv and build my new tv stand and rearrange my living room. He texted me back pretty quickly while on his break at school and said he definitely would help. I also said I had a letter I wrote him cuz I couldn't sleep the night before and I wouldn't mind sharing it with him. He said he didn't mind at all I wrote him a letter and that maybe I'd want him to read it himself...I said yes probably and he offered to come pick it up that night. I asked for an extra day as I needed to finish the details so he said he could come Tuesday after 5.
The letter included my feelings, my regrets, the good times, personal family issues I never told him about that affected my behaviour, our sex life, meeting his family and how I regretted him not meeting mine, the fun times, moving forward as friends and things I wanted to do as friends and how much contact might be too much. His good qualities and how I still wanted to listen and support him as friends etc.
So he came to pick it up.... I thought he'd pick it up and leave but he hung around for awhile. We made small talk and he eventually sat down and he's like I have an uneventful evening ahead...get some food, study and watch naughty stuff. Things shifted a bit to sex talk...I was like what do you mean? He's like watch porn and jerk off. I was like oh. Then I said I didn't watch much porn and wouldn't know what sites to go to. So he told me and said it gets boring after awhile though. He was dropping hints like crazy. He saw my book masters of sex, then said he sometimes wished sex didn't exist or he didn't want it as it's hard when you can't get it. He asked if I ever had FWB and I said yes. He asked how and if it worked and he said he did twice and it worked once but she moved away. Both people have to realize it's just sex for it to work. Then we kinda sat in silence and then I said how long it had been since I did FWB. He's like I'm gunna watch porn when I get home and I said you don't have too. He's like I shouldn't watch it? And I was like no you don't need too. Then I asked if he wanted to have sex and he was like do you? I said yes and he asked if I'd be ok and if it wouldn't be too confusing for me. I said it was fine and he was instantly ready and kissing me. We got naked and went to my bedroom and had sex. He looked into my eyes and slowly kissed me once and it was good sex. Then he jerked off and looked at me the whole time and touched me. We lay there after, it didn't feel too awkward. He cleaned up and we got dressed and talked about different things freely. He took my letter and left about 30-40 mins later and said we should maybe do something with Jeremy Saturday, maybe mini golf. He said he'd read my letter either that night or the next (tonight) and get back to me. He gave me a hug and said we'd be in touch. Maybe I made a mistake but it didn't feel wrong. Am I wrong to hang on to hope? I'm not going to text him today and maybe he won't respond to my letter which is ok. I'm going crazy though wondering what he's thinking.
I never approached him despite wanting to for fear of the inevitable. Each week went by and things just got more "friend zone" and after it came out in a text that I was feeling anxious and confused and that I felt I did something wrong. I guess that lit a fire under his butt and he said we needed to talk but not over text plus it was super late already. 2 days later he came over and ended it. He said his feelings had changed towards me and that's why he didn't do anything intimate with me the week before. It's weird anyway cuz he slept with me 2 weeks before the break up and in the weeks where "his feelings changed." I know that guys can disassociate their feelings from sex so I can see that and it explains why it lacked the usual emotion. He doesn't know why they changed, just that they did and had a few weeks ago. I think it was about 4 weeks and he did need some time and space as he was trying to think why they had changed. The last week before it happened he was thinking a lot about it and knew it was time. When I asked if he wished his feelings hadn't changed he said he didn't know. That hurt but at the same time he doesn't know why his feelings changed to begin with so its a little hard to wish otherwise. I asked why it took so long to say something and he said he was trying to figure out a reason why for me but also that he should have done it a week ago when he was sure....I told him I knew something was up for awhile but never communicated that to him and I should have. He asked why I didn't and I said because I was afraid of this happening and that I felt he would come forward as he always expressed the importance of open communication. So we both avoided the situation but he couldn't string me along anymore.
It's not another girl and it's nothing I did wrong. He doesn't regret meeting me or anything about our 5.5 months together. He felt we had something special in the beginning. That we did have some fun times....he hesitated a little when I asked him this stuff but it was also a hard situation we were in. He told me I'm not a bad person and that I'm generous, thoughtful, caring and kind and compassionate and a good listener. All qualities he wants in a partner. He's like you're not a bitch and I've dated a lot of bitches. I told him stuff I liked about him too and he said he wants to be friends but that ball was in my court and he'd understand if I didn't want to or I needed time or space. I said I wanted to be friends and play games, hang out with his friend, go for walks, movies....all the things we had fun doing and he said he wanted that too. He sat with me 3 hours while it was a lot of silence and me crying off and on but he said he wanted too and cared about my feelings and being sensitive. He gave me a hug when he left and I ended up texting him an hour later. Just saying how I hope he meant what he said about being friends as I wanted that very much and how I appreciated the way he handled the break up and staying that long with me. He was sweet and texted me back saying all the right things and he meant everything nice he said and for sure wants to be friends. I texted him the next day as well asking him if he would still be willing to help me move my tv and build my new tv stand and rearrange my living room. He texted me back pretty quickly while on his break at school and said he definitely would help. I also said I had a letter I wrote him cuz I couldn't sleep the night before and I wouldn't mind sharing it with him. He said he didn't mind at all I wrote him a letter and that maybe I'd want him to read it himself...I said yes probably and he offered to come pick it up that night. I asked for an extra day as I needed to finish the details so he said he could come Tuesday after 5.
The letter included my feelings, my regrets, the good times, personal family issues I never told him about that affected my behaviour, our sex life, meeting his family and how I regretted him not meeting mine, the fun times, moving forward as friends and things I wanted to do as friends and how much contact might be too much. His good qualities and how I still wanted to listen and support him as friends etc.
So he came to pick it up.... I thought he'd pick it up and leave but he hung around for awhile. We made small talk and he eventually sat down and he's like I have an uneventful evening ahead...get some food, study and watch naughty stuff. Things shifted a bit to sex talk...I was like what do you mean? He's like watch porn and jerk off. I was like oh. Then I said I didn't watch much porn and wouldn't know what sites to go to. So he told me and said it gets boring after awhile though. He was dropping hints like crazy. He saw my book masters of sex, then said he sometimes wished sex didn't exist or he didn't want it as it's hard when you can't get it. He asked if I ever had FWB and I said yes. He asked how and if it worked and he said he did twice and it worked once but she moved away. Both people have to realize it's just sex for it to work. Then we kinda sat in silence and then I said how long it had been since I did FWB. He's like I'm gunna watch porn when I get home and I said you don't have too. He's like I shouldn't watch it? And I was like no you don't need too. Then I asked if he wanted to have sex and he was like do you? I said yes and he asked if I'd be ok and if it wouldn't be too confusing for me. I said it was fine and he was instantly ready and kissing me. We got naked and went to my bedroom and had sex. He looked into my eyes and slowly kissed me once and it was good sex. Then he jerked off and looked at me the whole time and touched me. We lay there after, it didn't feel too awkward. He cleaned up and we got dressed and talked about different things freely. He took my letter and left about 30-40 mins later and said we should maybe do something with Jeremy Saturday, maybe mini golf. He said he'd read my letter either that night or the next (tonight) and get back to me. He gave me a hug and said we'd be in touch. Maybe I made a mistake but it didn't feel wrong. Am I wrong to hang on to hope? I'm not going to text him today and maybe he won't respond to my letter which is ok. I'm going crazy though wondering what he's thinking.
he sounds like a nice guy who wants sex and sex only - until he meets someone he does have feelings for - and then he will drop you in a flash and be gone. You can either face the truth now, or face it then, but this is where this thing is going. Why did he spend time with you? because he didn't have anything better to do and he thought you'd have sex with him. The minute he does, he's out.
It does sound like you need a therapist or a healing modality - for the grief, and to develop your own core strengths and self worth....
The grief can be overwhelming, and it takes a long time to get through it....but this....this is not the way. Get into some volunteering, look at a mediation practice....you're behind in your emotional maturity based upon your posts....you have some growing to do - and the fastest way to do that is alone.
The answer is never external - you can only find that within you.