Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
In the divorce process... have had all my kids for 5 months consecutively and now it will be three months while she is at training, no worries there--I love my kids and am a great father, just thought I'd paint the scene a bit.
My soon to be former called me last night, wasn't really upfront about what she wanted, wanted to connect on a friend level or something out of familiarity but covered it up with casual questions about kids and bills, etc... she told me she is starting class... anyhow I can't really connect on that level with her anymore, I have to prevent it. I know we will be friends for our children but she doesn't get how I don't want to be her buddy buddy instead of her husband. The things I offered to her were exclusive from the "husband" side of me. I care for her and am glad she is doing things for herself, but she doesn't get to have cake and eat it too (not anymore).
So why I'm writing this, today was not really high or lows but I have this hindsight kicking in that she had this large uncoupling effort going on for a very long time, years actually. It's pretty standard that the partner who is leaving does this. I slowly drifted off of her social media, she began going out more, etc... up until the day she asked for the divorce November 2013. Even through "reconciliation attempts" she still had her plans to continue the separation and uncoupling. It's just been a big long, 3 year process and hindsight is 20/20, makes me feel like shit when I think about it.
My soon to be former called me last night, wasn't really upfront about what she wanted, wanted to connect on a friend level or something out of familiarity but covered it up with casual questions about kids and bills, etc... she told me she is starting class... anyhow I can't really connect on that level with her anymore, I have to prevent it. I know we will be friends for our children but she doesn't get how I don't want to be her buddy buddy instead of her husband. The things I offered to her were exclusive from the "husband" side of me. I care for her and am glad she is doing things for herself, but she doesn't get to have cake and eat it too (not anymore).
So why I'm writing this, today was not really high or lows but I have this hindsight kicking in that she had this large uncoupling effort going on for a very long time, years actually. It's pretty standard that the partner who is leaving does this. I slowly drifted off of her social media, she began going out more, etc... up until the day she asked for the divorce November 2013. Even through "reconciliation attempts" she still had her plans to continue the separation and uncoupling. It's just been a big long, 3 year process and hindsight is 20/20, makes me feel like shit when I think about it.
Looking back just brings more pain so maybe we should try to stay focused on looking forward. Admittedly that's much easier said than done.
I found it startling how insensitive her behavior was and how non chalant she was towards me after she left. She immediately stopped ending emails and text messages "love you, your wife" and just starting ending emails and text messages ending with "Thanks".
I couldn't believe she could disconnect so quickly and so "matter of fact" like. It almost seemed incomprensible to me. She was my number one person in my life. I shared everything with her. She was the person I trusted the most in this life.
It took my awhile after our separation to "see the light" and see how things really were. What I thought was a wonderful relationship in my life turned into a clich, a statistic, it turned every intimate encounter, every intimate conversation, every holiday and vacation into something that I thought was really meaningful into something that "I don't know what". It analogous to waking up from a really good vivid dream and realizing that it was not real and was only just a dream. When you first get up from a dream in the morning it takes you awhile to wake up and shake the cobwebs out of your head. So my wife leaving me is sort of analogous to that. It took me several month and almost a year to realize the reality of the situation. It was all just a big turd.
Now when I see her, I don't see her the way I used to. When I have conversation with her, where she is talking passionately about something or when she is expressing real concern or giving any type of advice, I don't see it the same way anymore.
When she used to talk to me, I thought it was out of love and compassion. Now, I don't really know what to think of her and I realize that I don't really know who she is or what she is about. I thought I did when I was married to her.
Looking back - yes, you reevaluate everything.
Looking at her now - complete agreement, I have no idea who she really is. She is a phony, a liar, an actress, a selfish narcissist. Anything and everything she says or does should be questioned.
I know some people can still take some value from the "good times" they had in the marriage. But I actually regret the whole thing. I regret marrying her in the first place - it was all a big mistake. Even when things were better, she was certainly selfish, never all that loving, and her career imposed demands on me and kept us apart. The whole damn thing was the biggest mistake of my life. Ugh.
when it comes to hindsight, I have to agree with Missy.. it just brings pain.. I'm really trying to stay focused on what I CAN change.. and thats my future.. dont give her the satisfaction of hurting you more by dwelling on things you can't change.. you have a bright future ahead.. its just in the planning stages is all.. it just needs time.. we all need time..
My ex and I don't talk much, but when we do talk, it is a lot like old friends.
I remember being about where you're at now though, and I did the same. It was what I needed to do for myself. He was long over 'us', I didn't want to fall back into the rabbit hole. Keep the limits up that you need, don't apologize for them, and keep moving forward.
In my case it was my mistakes in ignoring all the red flags before we even got married.
I should never have married my ex! He was toxic from the get go, and even though I had my doubts during our engagement, I stupidly went ahead and married him. Iit slays me that I spent 29 years trying to make our marriage work, and hoping things would change, but I don't regret allowing my kids to live in one home instead of splitting their time between us. Especially for the safety of our daughter who was the youngest.
I will NEVER be friends with my ex, I can only simply put on a brave face and tollerate him for the sake of our kids when it is essential to be in his company.
I have just learnt to do what is necessary for my own mental well-being, and be around him or communicate with him as little as is possible.
Good luck in doing the same for yourself. We are the only people who know what is best for us, and mustn't feel bad for taking care of ourselves.
she gets none of me
my daughter had surgery," mz spider" her mother and i were there when my daughter went under anesthesia
after my daughter was wheeled back, mz spider and i were walking to the waiting room, mz spider put her arm on my shoulder to comfort herself - - - nada, no way, uh uh, if her "man" was there she'd have leaned on him
i will not be her friend, friends don't betray
i will not be her enemy, too much energy and too much about her
i will not pretend for the kids
the reality that she thrust upon my kids is
- - - why pretend it is not
my relationship with my kids would be stuck in that reality if it weren't acknowledged