Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Here we go again

Koko
Koko

So the husband comes by to talk about his schedule through January.  I asked him about the divorce process and he says he has not talked to a lawyer yet.  I told him that it would be less expensive if I just hired a lawyer and he agree to the terms - which he agreed. The whole time I'm thinking why the hell am I doing all the work when he's the one who wants to get the divorce.  And I mentioned how we need to figure out days he will take the kids to school and stuff.  He rolls his eyes and says, "why do you have to change everything around?  Why can't we just do what we're doing now and contact each other about kids stuff on daily basis!? And hang out with the kids together like we normally do?  Why do you have to be so difficult?"  


Um isn't that what divorce is about?  Are we supposed to still act like a family?  Doesn't he understand that his rejection of me hurts?  When I told him that I'm difficult because he hurt my feelings he just looked at me like I was crazy.  Really?  10 years of marriage and I can't be upset about it?  

kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Don't accept his lameness as some ridiculous parenting plan. Time to grow up and accept the ramifications of splitting up. "Hanging" out together with the kids is over. There needs to be his time and your time with the kids.
imiru
imiru
Sounds like he's hurting. The way he's being standoffish and trying to keep things together with everyone in the family hanging out and keeping in contact on a daily basis he must be afraid of how everything is gonna change and doesn't want to acknowledge it. Hence why he's letting you handle everything. He probably feels like he's the only one right now feeling this way and doesn't seem to understand that your feeling pain about this too but in your own way.
Koko
Koko
Right? Isn't that what divorce is? He said I was being difficult for not wanting to hang out together with the kids. So he basically still wants the family time without the marriage. Selfish bastard
Koko
Koko
Imiru I understand he is hurting because he realizes he won't be with the kids all the time. But he's the one who said he wanted the divorce and he doesn't want to be around someone like me. That was a month ago. He needs to realize he hurt me very deeply. I need some compassion from him before we reach the stage of being "friendly"....
basnime
basnime
Koko exactly! They don't want to acknowledge our pain at all.
jojored
jojored
I don't think anyone understands the changes that divorce creates until they actually smack you upside the head. Both sides need to roll with the punches and figure things out as you go along, but yeah, family time is now a myth for you, I'm sorry to say. I would imagine it hurts too much to have family time with him now. I thought I would not be able to handle my son's high school graduation with stbx, but it was worse in my head than in actuality. But, I will not attend parties with him, or any other function that doesn't involve the kids. That means I've lost most of my old social network, but I don't care that much. They don't understand the reasons for the divorce, as stbx is The Great Coach everyone loves. Blech!

Regarding using one lawyer for your divorce, that can't happen. It's unethical in that one lawyer can't represent the best interests of both of you. He has to have his own representation or he represents himself. Or you both go to the same mediator/lawyer, then both present the agreement to your own lawyers for review. Trust me, I wanted to simplify the legal process but stbx was having nothing to do with that. Now many thousands of dollars into the process with nothing legally to show yet. It can get ugly. Hopefully you two can work it out like reasonable people.
Koko
Koko
UGH.