Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi Everyone,
I haven't been on this site in about 4 years (3.5 maybe???)
For anyone that is in a new and fresh break up, I want you to know that it does get better. I'm proof. The pain lessens each day until one day you've forgotten what it felt like to be that heart broken. The bitterness and mourning fades into joy. Good days will happen.
Anyway, thanks for clicking in and reading.
I had a major break up 5 years ago and two months ago I got re-married to my best friend.
About 7 days ago my wife had a mental breakdown and told me she needed to stay at her friends place for a while while she got helped and works on getting better.
We weren't fighting, she had been really depressed for about 3 days before left. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but a little to late I suppose.
We've had previous big ups and downs before and had actually almost broken up. We went to counselling and things had seemed really great. We have been getting along quite well I thought.
I understand why she needed to leave and I'm happy for her that she's getting help. She's been going to therapy, no drinking or drugs and she's been doing yoga daily.
I feel blamed. She keeps saying that she cannot support me and my children emotionally or financially. I never asked for either. We had decided together that I would work less and stay spend more time with my kids and taking care of the house. This was even her idea. I was gainfully employed at the time. So we did. I told her that I would get a job if she needed me to at any point. (I was working part time, so I was still bringing in money too)
Two months later she snaps. Blames it all on me and just bales! End of the month with rent about to come out and she leaves me here financially holding the mess.
She said she still loves me and doesn't want to breakup and that she just needs to get better. I believe her.
Right now I'm feeling really hurt, abandoned, angry. So angry. Angry because what am I going to tell my kids! Angry because they deserve stability, not "will our step mom bale on us when things get tough".
Angry because I have abandoment issues and feel really abandoned right now.
Hurt because she left.
Hurt because she slagged me to her friends and they literally hate me now! Even if it were to work out, I could never be part of that friend circle anymore.
Hurt because she is getting support from two of her ex's and not me.
Right now I don't think I can get over the hurt and am contemplating divorce. At the same time I know she needs support and I don't want to push her over the edge if I tell her that. I don't think she'd care to be honest. I don't think I would if she were to break up with me!
I've already started the grieving process. It kicked in when she told me Sunday night.
I've given her space. I haven't been texting her except on occasion to say hi.
I don't know what to do. Divorce has been on my mind for the last few days. I don't need to be supported by her, I don't want to feel judged all the time and I want some stability for myself and my kids. Life was easier when I was a single dad and it has gotten over complicated with her.
Any advice would be appreciated!!
Glad you were gone for 5 years, although sad about your circumstances.
Welcome
If there is one thing I can’t stand (now that I have learned a thing or two) it is people who don’t communicate. Don’t say what is wrong. Internalize everything and then lash out and blame others for the crap THEY have been imagining in THEIR head but not saying. Grown ups talk. Grown ups share hard things with their partners. How can you work through things if one person doesn’t say when something is on their mind.
So, I can imagine the hurt and frustration right now.
No real advice. Just empathy!
Baldr - The only advice I can give you is that it is going to hurt for a while. And there is no way but through! I can promise though that the pain gets easier and eventually goes away.
I think what helped me was fitness and hobbies and getting lots of sleep, focusing on friends, going to a counsellor.
I think what I would have added is that I would have gone to a GP and asked for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I have depression in general and I take meds for, but I didn't start until a year ago or so. I was so much more depressed after my big breakup 5 years ago and I think medication would have gotten me over the hump a bit easier.
As for my situation. I've cooled my jets. I mean let's be honest, if she decides to divorce me, then so be it. I'll move on be okay.
I'm still feeling angry though. I'm trying hard to accept what's going on and that she needs this, but I still feel angry, sad etc etc.
We went on a date the other night and had sushi and then came back to our place and watched a couple of episodes of the Mandalorian. It was really nice. Part of me feels like we'll be okay, but part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to leave the relationship (not that there is much of one now).
Anyway, thanks for the kind words.
And thanks Strong, we are of the same vintage lol.
I've worked on most of it and it just doesn't matter. She was distant and apathetic and gave zero shits about the impact on me. And I just can't do it. I don't trust her not to just run away again in the future and I need someone who won't just run away. So I broke it off.
Now I'm sad and alone
I am very new here and have been on a rocky road for 2 years. Got divorced last year but my wife and I have gotten back together and broken up 3x now. Each time she leaves me for the same woman. Its all I can think about 24/7. I know everyone says let her go-I deserve so much more but it's easier said than done. She was my best friend and my world. We were married 12 years and one day she tells me she cannot stop thinking about this OW. This OW was our neighbor who came on fast and hard to attach her self to my wife. 6 months after we moved in to our new house. I kept saying this OW who was 28, living at home with her parents wanted my life and got it. First time it lasted 3 weeks and my wife came back. 2nd time it was 6 months and my wife came back. 3rd time was 1 month ago. My ex says this OW has changed. My ex is go gullable she has fallen for it every time. And this OW says she never lets things go. She never gives up. I think she is a psycho manipulating bitch and she even hit my ex and my ex hated her when she said she was done. But 6 months later she reeled her back in. I sit here every day saying am I that awful that she keeps going back to this whacko and I know the answer is this is not about me at all. This is 100% on her. Whether its immaturity or mid life crisis or what I don't know and I have spent months and months and even 2 years trying to figure it out and there is no way to figure it out.
I could not agree more with communication. My ex did not communicate at all and I am a deep communicator. If just once she had talked to me we could have gone to therapy and worked together to make things better and move forward. But she chose to not say anything until she found someone new. Now I sit here crying every day for the 3rd time while they are living life. I have got to convince myself and believe that I can sit here crying all day long-what my ex is doing will not change. I have got to get up and start living. I am in therapy, on meds, surrounded by unbelievable friends and that is where I have to start. I have to learn to get my happiness from within and from my friends-not from my ex.
Last weekend I said no to friends hoping my ex would call and want to do something. Well I sat all day and she never called. It's a roller coaster ride.
Yes she is an ex but of course she wants the new OW and me as her best friend still. Not sure if its to fall back on again as far as a relationship goes or because I am a caretaker and have pretty much taken care of her for 12 years.
Sinclair79-just like you my ex gives zero shits about me or what I want. She calls all the shots and I allow it. It does make me feel shitty but I am so scared to let her go completely. So I sit here sad and alone as well but I talk to my ex daily. My therapist told me not to do anything I cannot stick to so if I walk away I have to not look back and if I am not ready for that then I am not ready for that. That's ok. I do have a great therapist
I also got the opposite. I got blamed for taking care of my ex and not letting her stand on her own two feet. For 12 years when I bought her everything she ever wanted and she never said no and I paid every bill. WHen she left that was a reason. So she was leaving to take care of herself and stand on her own two feet which was a crock. She left, got an apartment and the OW moved in round 2. Lasted 3 months after she hit my ex and my ex kicked her out. My ex could not afford the apartment herself so she got out of it and back with me. Now round 3-my ex got another apartment and they moved in again together this past weekend.
I got stuck holding all the bills that we accumulated and she walked away with nothing but her own debt. I have mounds of debt to now pay. I do have a good job and in time it will be fine but she just walked out and never thought once about what she was leaving behind for me to take care of
And I get all the I love you's and I miss you's and I think about you all the time but is it really true or is it a way to keep me engaged?
I do all of this and I hang on because I don't want to feel abandoned as I have most of my life. So a crumb here or there feels better than nothing which I know has to stop. I have to move forward.
Someone told me today-the best thing I can do for our relationship is to move forward and be happy and show my ex how happy I am. Either she will come crawling when I am happy and unavailable to her and then I get to decide if I take her back or not. And if she never comes back I am so much further along in the healing process because I am happy.
The best part is we had 90% mutual friends. Not one mutual friend has reached out to her. Every friend has remained my friend. They are still my ex's friends but because of how all this went down and the cheating and the lying our friends will never do anything with my ex's new woman. Ever. They didn't the other 2 times and they won't again. They will do things one on one with my ex but not the other woman
Rearrange the letters in depression and you get "I pressed on". Your situation is not your final destination