I have been on the fence about writing here....again. I have gone through my divorce (and still do, on that rare occasion) about 4 years ago. I met someone pretty quickly that I think deep inside I knew was not good for me. I think I had so much to process and hadn't because I needed to fill that void that was going to accompany my divorce. Rather than make this a long painful story, which I have a tendency to do, I will try to be brief.

I met someone online just a few months after finding out my marriage was going to be over due to infidelity. It was not a quick process as we talked via email, text or phone for three months before I decided to even meet him for a date. We seemed to hit it off ok, and then I could see he seemed pretty needy, but in my head it had been 20 years since I had dated so I thought maybe I was reading too much into it. Now the kicker is that I was still at home with my now exH bc he refused to leave our home and I wouldn't leave because I had no family or no place to go until we could figure out what to do. The man I met was also separated and living with his two kids aged 13 and 14 at the time at his parents house. They had an official separation agreement and had never had contact when he moved out. There were red flags I saw....but I know I continued to ignore them bc as I would say something he would talk me into staying or not leaving or doing this or that. We saw each other possibly meeting halfway from where we lived once a week and every other weekend. He has a boat so on my weekends without the kids I would stay there. It took me a whole year for me to introduce him to my kids and even still I was so busy with them and their activities we continued this path, him occasionally coming up to see them with my weekend with my kids. I kind of kept that at bay, and he didn't come to games bc my older son was stressed because his dad was there and he didn't want anything said to his dad or vise versa. So for 4 years my bf and my exH never met.

Here's where so much went wrong...my divorce drug on and for 3 years I lived with my exH until the courts could divvy things up and our house could be sold, which was in June 2012. I moved my kids and still live in an apartment until I can get financially on my feet. My bf still lives with his parents and desperately wanted out. He has had 4 jobs since I have known him, all short lived due to some issue or another. I have been with him through more unemployment than employment. I have paid our tabs when out pretty much the whole time, paid for a lot on the boat, paid for the slip (which he did pay me back), have given to his children, etc. All I ever wanted was to be taken out to a dinner now and then...and I don't mean bar food. That only happened two or three times in four years.

Recently within the past year, I suspected in my gut he was being unfaithful...I did something frequently I'm not proud of was check his phone and FB messages. And pretty much I was right. He denied it and said his FB had been hacked and he didn't write that, and the messages were misinterpreted. I believed him or so I thought so I stayed. I also found profiles on Plenty of Fish, which I questioned and he said they were old ones and forgot they were on there. They weren't based on how they were written and what he put in the bio. Yet again, I denied it. I WANTED to trust him especially after what I had gone thru with my exH and the cheating and emails, so again I was in denial and said nothing and went about the same ole same ole. I personally think I didn't want to lose another person, friend, lover, the closeness we had to end up alone and THAT is really sad on my part.

Within the year, since his youngest is now graduating, he has been more than hinting wanting to get out from his parents house and moving forward with us. I have disregarded marriage on several fronts knowing that is what he wanted and I was dragging my heels on us moving in. That means I would have to quit my job and move my kids, find doctors etc. I didn't want to do that...my gut was telling me not to. He has financial debt and the separation and his out was looming there...mind you we live a state away but only about 40 min from each other. I was dragging my heels.

Things have been off and on numerous occasions I asked if he would like to date others, maybe someone without kids. He always said no but I could tell for whatever reason that would have been best, since his kids are almost grown and he could come and go as he pleased (which he did anyway as his parents were often the ones home to take care of them while he was out--he had full custody). I asked him that again as recent as early Sept and that must have been the thorn in his side. About two weeks ago we had plans to do stuff on the weekend but that Monday his stbx emailed him out of the blue saying that she was looking for a new job and he would have to try to find insurance for the "family" as she wasn't sure what her job status would be. They had not spoken or no contact for 5 years except at tax time via letter. Since then they have been trying to clear the air I guess and she cannot take on the responsibilities of the house, as she has been battling breast cancer and it may have returned. Once that contact started that was the nail in my coffin. I think he had been looking for a way out or a decision from me. He never dissed me in his emails at all but said to her that he had moved on and had regretted what he had done in their marriage to make her want him out. He also said I was a lot like her, but "I was NOT HER". He missed their family, her I guess, everything. Now IDK, if they are planning or what to get back together, but since then he had not wanted to see me and last weekend she was with him at the boat. I knew something was up bc he would not answer my texts and I said I was coming down to talk about getting my car back. He said he was meeting her to discuss things. I'm sure discussing meant sleeping together or trying to convince her to give him another go around, as it's cheaper than divorce as I know. That broke my heart as I did get a call from a friend saying he was with a woman who matched her description at a local store. Yet, he kept my car.

Well last night I finally got it back and he told his kids what happened with us. With all that I wrote above and there is a whole lot more, I feel stupid because in the two weeks I have tried to change his mind, tooted my own horn on what I've done to help him how I made him feel, groveled if you will, tried to do what I could to fix all this. I just think he's done. Even his texts were one worded or short and business like. When I saw him last night I could see the pain and nervousness in his eyes and I truly believe inside he doesn't want this but doesn't know any other way, as I have dragged my heels too long. He could see the pain in my face and I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't want to talk about it...he's given many vague excuses why, but never will discuss it, says he can't. He did say that I will never trust him and that plays a part and he can't live like that (not in so many words but...). He has posted passive aggressive pics or memes on FB trying to elicit sympathy or whatever, but I know they are directed at me. It hurts to read those because he knows me so well and I know him. I'm just wondering if I have been played all this time. I feel like a fool but also I don't. I just want to know if anyone has any insight why he is so angry with me when he wanted this? I didn't ask for this he ended it. Why the anger at me? I asked him that three times and he said "It's not anger, it is what it is and I can't talk about it right now."

I guess I'm waiting for an answer I will never get and a broken heart that I didn't deserve. Last night was finality for me....and for that, I sit here and cry as I read this because I really wonder what a healthy loving relationship is since I can't seem to hold onto one. I'm pulled in 50 different directions, being a single mom of a 10 and 6 year old, havng no time for myself, and tried to have a relationship. I thought he would think I was worth the fight. I guess not. Thank you for listening I just had to get this off my heavy heart.