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help, I am so confused

gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Some of you have heard my story before but this is an update of what has been going on since she disappeared for three days and then dumped me. Everything was going so well. She gave me kisses over the phone every night, we talked for an hour at least twice a day, we had fun when we did, she texted me when she went to sleep, she was the one calling me. I thought her she was coming back and bam!, she tells me that she is seeing another guy, the same guy she told me before. And that she is feeling happy with this and she needed it. She said that we are having such a good time because we were friends but as a couple we were a disaster. She feels her last trip to visit me was bad. I was sick and under a lot of stress from my job so it is true I was more careful with not overdoing it with things like sex, because I had no energy and had to deal with my situation at work. I was fighting not to lose half of my salary plus I was trying to keep my job while I recovered. That was in October. She never visited again and did not want me to visit after that trip. She used to argue a lot about silly things, mostly postings from female friends on my facebook page. I told her from the very beginning that she was sabotaging her own happiness with this constant bickering. According to her I was the love of her life and she remembers every detail of when we were a couple in high school. I dont understand any of this. I am so confused. I feel she gave up easily because my illness is long term. Ironically, I am in very good shape now and I can do a lot of the things she complained about before. She says is not leaving me because I of my illness but because my behavior showed that I did not love her as she felt she needed. I loved her with all my heart. I wanted to marry her. I cant stop crying. Everything was going so well. And now she said she still needs my kisses and my conversations every day. What about the other guy? What is she doing? I feel she still loves me but what she is doing is a big question mark for me. On Presidents day weekend she disappeared for three days just after she told me she loved me. Then she dumped me the next day. I am sure she was with this guy. That is why she disappeared and why she changed so suddenly. I am so confused. She just texted me to say she wants to have a talk with me. Please advice me. I am very confused.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Gabriel,

Nothing will change unless YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN. She is mistreating you because you ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN. As long as you are available for her, she is going to keep doing this. She is stringing you along as the "back up plan" in case things with the other guy don't work out.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Please get yourself into counseling NOW! You need to find out why you are allowing this woman to continually disrespect and manipulate you.

You also need to go NO CONTACT. As long as she can talk to you, she is going to mess with your head. Get some distance so you can think clearly.

Gabriel, we can advise until the cows come home. It's up to you to make the necessary changes.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
I told her that I could not be friends with her. I want to be her lover. Otherwise I am gone completely from her live so that she can be with anyone she pleases. Her behavior changed completely. Now I will wait and see what happens. In the meantime I will try to focus on my work. I am so sad but I felt good after telling her that. I feel more respect for myself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
good luck, gabriel. you have really had it rough. know that we are pulling for you regardless of which way it goes.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Its over. We were having a very nice conversation but when I mentioned how nice it was to hear the things she said to me she told me that we could not be a couple, that she needed me as a friend because she has always loved me and my company. But that I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT SHE WOULD DISAPPEAR SOMETIMES. I asked her why we could not be a couple and she started with her list of complaints, mostly about my female friends posting things on my facebook page like "I like that song but play me this other song and make me happy"She said that was an insult to her and that it happened too often and that the problem was that I did not understand why that was so insulting to her. Then I told her that she was arguing as an excuse to break up completely because she was seeing someone else. She hung up. I felt I had screwed up because I wanted to end the relationship in good terms. I finally reached her and I apologized but I said what I said so that she would tell me if in fact she was seeing someone else. She said she was and that I could not continue to insult her and apologize. I said she had called me an asshole and never apologized. so she called me an asshole again. so i did the same and she hung up. so i failed at trying to end in good terms but she has been arguing every couple of weeks since june. i was trying my best to not fight again. I remained silent 90% of the time. But I feel she is full of anger inside. I am so fucking sad. I wanted to end in good terms but i guess with someone like this it was impossible. and maybe she got so mad because i said the truth. she is seeing someone else and that is why is so convenient for her to have a fight with me to end this without feeling guilty. what do you guys think. I am so sad.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
I liked so much of her but she has a serious anger issue that was doing a lot of harm to me. she also pretended to keep me as a friend who loved her while seeing other men and DISAPPEARING once in a while, as she said.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
In our last conversation I asked to please not end the relatioship in bad terms. Then she called me an asshole. I guess she feels she can do this because she has someone else already. Otherwise she would have been more reasonable. Or she has serious anger issues, something I have been noticing for a while.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You certainly are obstinate about hanging on to that which does not benefit you or give you pleasure. I really think you need to shift your focus. You have received lots of good advice and support, but still you stubbornly hang on. Good luck in learning how to let go.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Trying to end in good terms is not hanging on. I accept this is over and I dont want anything to do with this woman and her behavior anymore. I did my best to end in good terms but she called me an asshole too many times tonight. So I fell in her trap. Now she can tell everyone that I CALLED HER an asshole. And knowing her, she will remember that for the rest of her life.
hairymick
hairymick
Mate,

Please re-read your own last post.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
I found one important key to her behavior in reading about narcissism. If she did not get her way she would go into tantrum mode instead of asking for what she wanted or discussing/talking about it. She is like a baby, not an adult. I can trace every tantrum to some situation in which she was not getting that she wanted. Failing to go in July to spend time with her or feeling she did not get enough attention in the October trip were two major events that triggered weeks of tantrums and destroyed our relationship. Instead, she could have talked to me about finding a solution to my limitations due to my illness. But she never did. She just went into tantrum mode and constantly said that I just did not want to do certain things, namely, what she wanted. Realizing this makes me see how it would have been a nightmare living with her. She said we had communication problems. Yes! we did. She was unable to communicate as an adult when she was not getting what she wanted. It would have been very difficult to live with her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
OK, so it's over. Good. Now shift the focus to YOU! You have to allow yourself to truly feel the sadness instead of trying to do something about it (like get her back to make the hurt go away). It's OK to feel sad for awhile. Then pick yourself up and move on. Msot of the time it's not possible to end a relationship on a good note. If it was good it would not be ending. She is not the right person for you. It doesn't matter what she thinks, says or does anymore. She's not good for you. Feel sad, then go find someone that makes you feel good about yourself, and HAPPY for a change.
deleted_user
deleted_user
it is almost always the one who wants to keep things going that has to be the one who puts their foot down and stops the craziness.

whatever her problem is, she had better fix it before she runs another man around like she has you.

at least you tried. but, sometimes it is better to be alone than to be with someone who is just impossible.
deleted_user
deleted_user
She just isn't worth the aggravation anymore Gabriel. I think you have come to realize this. Good for you..

Now if you ever get the idea to contact her please come back and read all you said in your reply #27. Pretty much sums it up, right?

Good luck, hope your pain is minimal...someday you will let someone new and deserving in to your life :)
rbsingle1959
rbsingle1959
Stop asking what do we think? Do you really give a shit what we think? We have been telling you but you dont listen. You need help. You are such a sucker. Get off this site and let people who really care about taking advise from others be on here. You are wasting our time cause you dont listen. So stop asking what we think? Your issue is so overwheliming. I dont know how you have time for all this and think straight at work. You have issues.