The near-constant stress of being treated like garbage is crushing,

crushing,

crushing me.

He doesn't know how to treat women or kids. He never will. He's not for me. 

He never was.

He looks like your average white guy. I think I was drawn to his 'stability.'

He went to Harvard twice. That's something.

Right?

When I told my parents 'he went to Harvard twice' they had the exact same response despite not having spoken to each other for several decades:

"Why twice? He couldn't get it right the first time?"

I was so offended. How dare they make jokes at his expense. He is awesome.

He's not awesome. 

He's got all kinds of debilitating problems.

ADHD that he refuses to treat. He thinks his pills are placebos.

Workaholism. The day we got engaged that switched on and I was no longer in his laser beam focus.

Alcoholism that he refuses to deal with.

I'm a nagging bitch when I say 'I need you to limit your drinking to 2 glasses of wine.' (which he fills to top so they're really a whole bottle) 

Sex addiction, or porn addiction. Not sure what it is exactly but it consumes him.

He's a trust fund kid who never learned accountability.

He's a brat who ever learned the value in honesty,

He's a man but he has no integrity.

He's a mysogynist who tells me that I'll never be as smart as him.

I can't stand for him to touch me.

I haven't shared a room with him in years,

Probably because I have felt like I have to be his mother. 

I am only 39.

I am so sad,

because I know there's no way out. Not with anyone else, and not without anyone else.

I'm ruined by the past 7 years.

I would be bad for anyone else I met. They'd trigger the way I've been mistreated all these years and I'd break. It will take years of being alone to reboot myself into someone worthy. And by then I'll feel old. And even more feral than I was before I married him.

Is my life meant to be lonely?

I used to be proud that I could argue with a lover in a healthy, productive, empathic, respectful way. I haven't had that opportunity in years.

When I leave, I'll be even more broke, even more lonely, and he'll be much much worse to me. He will become the viscious thing he was when I watched him divorce his first wife.

No, I had nothing to do with that. 

I threw myself all in to this relationship. I committed. I gave it everything.

My stepkids will suffer in my absense. Maybe he'll never let me see them. I envision their mom letting me see them when he won't. Jesus. I'm not ready to be friends with her like that.

My son is too young to care for himself, and I don't trust my "spouse" to take good care of him in my absense. Maybe this reason should have gone first in my list but I am feeling sorry for myself (for a change).

Fuck stoicism.

In 14 more years my baby will be in college.

Fourteen more years in this hell for me.

In a few years I'll have my PhD.

Maybe in a year I'll have my body back. Doesn't look like that's starting today, though. Too sad to run.

In ten years, I should be comfortable in my new career.

Maybe I'll make a freind at my future job and we'll fall in love and I'll have that to look forward to.

Great plan. A work romance? Really?

I'd like to divorce two people, actually:

Him.

And the person I've become with him.