You've come to a safe place here with people who truly care about everyone's situation. It's a club we'd all rather not be in - yet here we are. You'll get a lot of advice, stories, and opinions - all I have found to be extremely beneficial. In my opinion, if you're certain you want to file, and have tried marriage counseling (you may regret later not having tried - I would have), or your H doesn't want counseling, then it's time to read up on the laws in your state. I googled everything I could think of. Then, once you have some basic knowledge down and some terminology, start interviewing lawyers. Most give a free one hour consultation. This is a good place to ask the most pressing questions you have about custody and finances. Also, it gives you a sense of what type of personality you find matches you best. In my case, I interviewed my first lawyer 4 months after I told my H I wanted a divorce, and I found I really wasn't ready to start the process. I cried when answering every question that concerned my children. The lawyer good naturedly told me that I could cry to her all I wanted, but I could find a therapist to cry to for a whole lot less. You might want to get a therapist/counselor first, to make sure your emotions are under control but more importantly to bolster your (likely) declining self-esteem. Try to understand yourself first, how you feel, how you'll be able to cope, etc, and build up a support network. I found that even acquaintances at work were happy to share their divorce tragedies and tips for "success". There's a real sisterhood out there (brotherhood too).

Divorce is a very messy process, I had no clue as to how messy. I thought we could mediate, then someone on this site asked why I thought mediation would be a possibility given all I had said about my H's inability to communicate. He was right, H wouldn't mediate, so now it's all about the lawyers. I would advise not letting your H know of your intentions to file. It's best if you can get all of your paperwork copied, documents secured somewhere safe, and loose ends tied up before you let him know of your intentions. Your H might be a decent guy and not try to lie about finances, or he may be a scum bag who makes up stories and doesn't follow the law. Best to be prepared, because sometimes the decent guys turn once their children and $ are threatened.

Good luck and check the site often. Oh yes, remember to take care of yourself. This is probably the most important piece of advice. If you're run down to the ground, you won't be able to make the best decisions for yourself and your children. Make sure you eat reasonably, stay hydrated, and find a good physical outlet for releasing frustrations.

Hi, your story sounds like mine. I was told the same thing, love you but not "in love" with you. I was also blindsided but found about the other woman before I was told that. When I looked back, there were so many signs that I blew off because I never thought my husband would cheat. My instinct told me one thing but my heart said no way. I have since learned go with your gut. I know the heartbreak you are feeling. It's like a double whammy
Take care and hope you find lots of support here.

I heard that line too, i love you but, he was cheating in his
Heart and he had a hard heart towards his wife. Marriage
Counseling was a joke but we tried he would not be honest
About anything or what he was up to and didnt like getting
Called on his attitude.

Sorry you are among us and welcome HUGS

In my first marriage (two time loser here) I was married for 16 years when he told me he didnt love me anymore, was bored and needed a new life. I was blindsided when I heard the words yes but as I looked back all the signs of us growing apart were there. He was not cheating nor was I. We just grew apart and he was the first one to say the words. It was hard getting through the separation and divorce because I was still invested in the marriage when he told me. We went to marriage counselling but that allowed him to figure out that he didnt want to be married to me anymore so idk if counselling is good or bad in that respect. Now that Im looking at my second divorce Im at a point in my life where a relationship is not something I ever wish to pursue again. Too much drama, too much hurt, too much everything. Anyway I think you have come to a safe good place for all the wrong reasons and I hope you find what you are looking for here. Sorry you have to go thru this but you are not alone and if we can help we will try. Or you can just vent and we can listen. Peace to you.

I don't know how to say this but I went through a divorce two years ago. It all started because I told my ex that I loved her but I was not in love with her. I don't know how she took it but we are now we are divorce. I didn't have somebody then and I don't have somebody now all I was trying to tell my ex-wife was part she don't want to listen that. I didn't have somebody then and I don't have somebody now all I was trying to tell my ex-wife was a part she don't want to listen that. So make sure that he has moved on before you file for divorce. Good luck on whatever you decide

Hi There.... not an easy situation to be in.... not a decision to make lightly... whatever you decide to do and wherever your decision takes you.... good luck. There are no winners in any type of broken relationship and there is also no easy way to end a marriage, especially when there are children involved.

Thank you all for your stories and advice. It's nice not to feel alone. Do any of you have any thoughts or advice on the pros or cons of legal seperation vs divorce?

Hi Jen, sorry to hear about your difficulties. Concerning separation vs divorce: I'm going to ignore the legal aspects, as I am not too familiar with how separation works. I recall hearing from my lawyer that it is a lot like divorce, in terms of finances and custody and so forth. But I really don't know, and I'm sure it varies by state.

So, on to the practical/emotional aspect... I'm not sure I "get" legal separation. If a relationship is over, then it's over - get divorced. If there is a chance to restore it, then both parties need to be on board and trying to work on things. If there is some confusion and one or both parties is not sure, then in my mind you just delay the decision for a LITTLE while. But yes, a LITTLE while. Like a few months at most. If each party can't figure out whether they are willing to work on their marriage within a few months, then the obvious conclusion is that they DON'T want to work on their marriage. Also, one may be lying to the other, stringing them along while having an affair.

So my opinion is that, if there is a chance for reconciliation, you either START TRYING (both people) or give a short window of time for someone who is unsure to figure out what they want. Then you either START TRYING to reconcile (if both are willing) or you get divorced. I'm not sure what is to be gained by legal separation. It just sounds like a particularly hellish time for the spouse who is being left behind. You stay in limbo, can't truly heal, and allow the other spouse to keep you as a "backup plan". No thanks.

Best wishes to you.

My lawyer told me that in my state there is a "divorce from bed and board", which is basically a separation whose main benefit is to allow the couple to continue to share medical insurance. It's not a legal divorce, you're still married in the state's and insurance company's eyes. This was created years ago, maybe in the 50s, when there was so much stigma associated with divorce. You could live your lives as divorced, but didn't have to present yourself as divorced. It was PC at that time, I guess. There is no legal separation in my state, the "divorce from bed and board" is the closest we have. I said "no" to it. When I was done, I was D O N E !

In Canada you have to be separated for one year before a judge will grant you a divorce. It doesnt have to be a "legal" separation where you go to a lawyer and draw up an agreement but there has to be a date where you declare you were separated. During this time you can have a separation agreement drawn up and usually that separation agreement becomes part of or becomes the actual divorce agreement. Depends on the situation. In North Dakota (where I married my second husband) you just file for divorce and the judge signs the divorce decree 90 days later. I think if you are in the states you better google your state laws and find out specifically what you are going to be involved in with regards to a "legal" separation or just a divorce. I dont really understand the purpose of being separated for a year because like the other poster said if the relationship is over its over and you shouldnt have to wait.