Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi there, I'm reaching out because I don't really have anyone I can talk to and I feel like I'm spiraling downward. My boyfriend of ten years broke up with me a few months before the pandemic began, seemingly out of the blue. I know everyone says there are signs, and maybe there were, but I didn't see them. Things were going along fairly normally, we'd just celebrated our ten year anniversary, when one morning he rolled away from me in bed when I went to put my arm around him. I went to work that day and didn't hear much from him. Thought it was unusual but the "breakup" word never crossed my mind. That night, I'm dragging out of him what's wrong, what's wrong. He starts to cry and tells me he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, and that he's just not happy. I was in total shock and disbelief as he and I moved across the country to start a life together only five years prior, we've done so many incredible things together on this journey despite being so far away from family and friends, life seemed pretty good. I thought we were on an adventure together, when apparently he was unhappy for a long portion of that time. I never pressured him to propose, or to have kids, or anything. Honestly you'd think I was an ideal girlfriend in the eyes of most guys. I am having an extremely hard time getting past the fact that while I was happy, he was apparently so unhappy that he felt the need to bottle it up and break up with me after all this time spent together. We still live together for financial reasons, and sometimes things are good between us, talking and getting along, and that's enough for me in that moment. Many other times, he is so distant, we barely talk. He has a new set of friends he spends all his time with, and he feels worlds apart from me. Honestly it feels like a death. The person I've grown so attached to and loved so much over all these years has disappeared. Sometimes shades of his old self come back, and for a moment it feels so nice. But I know deep down in my heart that he is completely, 100% over me, I can tell. We've never broached the subject again after that initial breakup weekend. We just kind of avoid the conversation altogether. Me fearing rejection once again and fearing being left alone. Crazy as it sounds I'd rather he live with me than not, even after being dumped. What does that say about me?? I am devastated and don't know where to go from here. I don't have any family out here and the friends I do have who know about the breakup don't understand it either. His own family loves me and doesn't understand where it came from. Sometimes I feel so nostalgic it makes me almost sick to my stomach. He used to look at me like he adored me, how could that die so easily? He persued me at the beginning, it was all him. He made me fall for him, and now I'm the one left in the dust. He always used to encourage me to have more self confidence and believe in myself more, but how can I ever feel good about myself again when the person who was always there for me and seemed to love me unconditionally suddenly decided I wasn't worth the fight? Many will say to "just move on," but in the world we are living in right now it's difficult to make new meaningful connections with people, especially in your mid-30's. I like to be friends with a person before anything more happens. It feels like I will never get over this mountain in front of me; it's already been a year and very little has changed for me mentally. He doesn't seem super happy with himself either, I hope all this was worth it to him. I'm doing my best to keep busy and just focus on myself, but it is virtually impossible to ever stop thinking about him. How do I stop caring the way that he did??? What is wrong with me?
And you can't work on or address problems if the other person won't communicate that they're upset or unhappy. I went through a similar situation a few weeks ago with my ex of 3 years, and I felt just like you did. I never saw it coming, nor would I have guessed.
I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is to still be living there your ex. And you're not crazy for feeling like it's better to live with him than without. He was a big part of your life for a long time. Those feelings are deep. And being around him every day in the same place you lived doesn't really give you a break from that. There's definitely nothing wrong with you. It makes sense that you feel the way you do.
Living separately would help narrow some of those deep feelings, but like you said, it's not always an option. Roommates can be hard to find, and you can't always move in with family either. I hope you're able to find a solution that helps alleviate some of the feelings being there is causing.
As for making connections in your mid-30s, I hear that too. Even without coronavirus isolation and lockdowns, it can be difficult to find people to connect with. It's just a different scene, for lack of a better way to put it. I turned 40 recently and I'm still dealing with that and the friends I lost in the breakup (if only because she spends a lot of time with them).
I hope you're able to keep moving through this a day at a time, and are able to feel what you need to feel. You're mourning a loss, while also being reminded of it every day. That's really hard, and yet you're still moving forward and trying to keep yourself busy. There's nothing wrong with you at all.
I'm sorry to hear about your similar situation @Just2Cats - you spend all this time wondering how you could have missed the signs, but if they aren't communicators, like my ex too, you sometimes feel like you have to be a mindreader to know what's going on.
Living with him is hard, but every time I try and mentally prepare myself for the day he's like "I'm moving out next month" or "I've started seeing someone" I literally almost get sick to my stomach. Sometimes the thought randomly hits me that maybe he's seeing someone else at work or something and it almost puts me over the edge. I don't really have any evidence of that and when he leaves the apartment and I'm there, he usually says who he's going to hang out with. He's a good person and not typically one to lie, but who really knows at this point. Anyhow, the *point* is, I have to get to a point where I don't have that reaction every time I think about it, I want to just be able to let it roll off of me and not affect me. I wish it were like flicking a switch!
I don't know about you guys, but it's so hard to go on social media and see the "memories" that pop up every day - aside from seeing the nice vacation photos and fun things you once did, it's the mundane "I love you" type posts from exes that really stab you in the heart when you see them pop up, like "I can't believe he used to post this stuff on my page and now we barely speak." It's totally heartbreaking.
Anyway, thanks for listening. If you guys have any good books or tips or whatever, I'd appreciate them!
Here's the synopsis from Amazon:
"Walking into our stories of hurt can feel dangerous. But the process of regaining our footing in the midst of struggle is where our courage is tested and our values are forged. Our stories of struggle can be big ones, like the loss of a job or the end of a relationship, or smaller ones, like a conflict with a friend or colleague. Regardless of magnitude or circumstance, the rising strong process is the same: We reckon with our emotions and get curious about what we’re feeling; we rumble with our stories until we get to a place of truth; and we live this process, every day, until it becomes a practice and creates nothing short of a revolution in our lives. Rising strong after a fall is how we cultivate wholeheartedness. It’s the process, Brown writes, that teaches us the most about who we are."
My husband and I are separating but he still lives with us even though he's talking to someone I mean we been really honest, he didn't want cheat on me or disrespect me somehow that's why we put the cards on the table, but to be honest I dread the day he'll move out or move in with her, sometimes I just want him gone and most of the time I'm glad that he still here in the house, and I feel like I'm wrong for letting him do this!
Yes @Alexa987 it's been a year since we've broken up (about). I am still reeling as much as I was the day it happened, although I guess there are times I've gone numb to the idea of going to bed alone every night and just going about my routine. Covid really threw a wrench in everything because now it's harder and harder to go out and do things socially with people. I'm in a weird spot because my job has me working alone most of the time, so it's like this endless cycle of going to work (alone), coming home (I get home before he does in the afternoon) and being alone for a couple hours, seeing him for like an hour before he goes out with friends (or occasionally I meet up with a couple friends that like to work out in a local park together at night), come home and go to bed alone. I'm an only child so I've never had an issue with being alone a lot and entertaining myself, I have a lot of little hobbies and interests on the side, but for whatever reason I can't get past the incredible loneliness I now feel after being in a serious relationship with someone for a decade. It's insane! I used to be so independent, why can't I get back to that place of just flitting around, doing my own thing, being myself?? I think a lot of it is the perfect storm with the Covid thing, just not being able to physically be in social situations that I used to just take for granted. Really great timing. Ugh. Thanks for listening, guys!
I know in my heart he's cheated he's done it several times before and I should hate him but I don't I can't stop thinking about him and why is he doing this to me I treat him like a king I do everything he wants I wait on him like a servant vanishes into thin air and then if I text too much well he's gone begging him to come home asking him why he's doing this he threatens to change his phone number and he did once just a little while ago and then for one day he called with us restricted block number and then he gave me his new number it's just a power thing he needs to feel the control he has over me and unfortunately I can't stop thinking about him or wanting him for some really stupid reason so I do whatever he says.
I do plan on going to a therapist as soon as I can get in it's a little more complicated now with this damn virus thing going on I don't want to stick put up my nose to prove I don't have covid to be able to see a therapist.
I do understand how you feel